The Lard Arms

Potatoes not Prozac

 

Friends, I have been trying to get my house in order.  And myself!  I've been reading the remaining books on my recommended list that I wrote about on this blog (but never got round to starting/finishing).  I've been facing the fact that yet again the weight is creeping back on (because I keep eating!) and I didn't seem to have the capability to get a grip.

I'm working hard to get my driving licence, go to the gym (which involves a temper tantrum each and every time) and think about what is going to work for me in the longer term (food-wise).  

Regular readers will know that depression, feelings of failure, negative self-talk and lots of drama figure quite a lot in my day-to-day existence.  For a really long time now, I've been trying to 'sort myself out'.

And it's a process, it really is.  

Certain things/people have had a profound effect on me along the way.  The moment I started reading Dietgirl's blog, I was a changed person.  Shauna's writing spoke to me.  And, of course, when her book came out, I bought copies for all my friends (who think about weight!) because it was essential reading.  It made me laugh and cry, even though I had been reading the blog for years and sort of knew the story (but the book has so much more!).

Then I found LighterLife.  LighterLife is a controversial VLCD.  But it worked for me.  I had an amazing counsellor (which I think is absolutely critical) and I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  And I began to understand that my behaviour around food had all the hallmarks of an addiction.  I liked the fact that a fundamental part of LighterLife's approach was behaviour change - with lots of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).  LighterLife taught me two things - I could lose weight (so the core belief that I would never be slim got blown out of the water); I experienced being slim.  It also taught me that while food seems to be the culprit, there is much head work to be done, too.  Oh, and one final thing, it taught me (though I consistently chose to ignore it) that sugar is powerful and dangerous to certain individuals.

Through this blog and a forum, I found wonderful companions on this weight loss journey.  Some but not all had also been through LighterLife.

Life then got in the way - as it always seems to - and I lost my way.  I did various attempts at abstinence (going back on a VLCD regime) - lost weight for important things like surgery - but in many ways my behaviour didn't change.  And the negative voices in my head were getting louder, not quieter.

This year I found Beck - as in Beck's Diet Solution and again, recommended it and thought this is it.  I bought copies for friends.  And gorgeous Lesley sent me a copy because she had found it so helpful.  But do you know what?  I didn't see it through.  But it IS worthwhile!

And finally, this summer, perhaps because I was back at home (and had access to the books), I got round to reading.  

Eat, Pray, Love was another important book in the journey.  It really moved me - to tears.  In fact, I cannot wait to read it all over again.  Ditto Thin is the New Happy.  

And then there was a book that I bought more than two years ago called, "Why do you overeat, when all you want to be is slim?" by Zoe Harcombe.  In fact, I read it two years ago and thought it was great.  Now several friends are embracing the author's regime and raving about it.  At the heart of that book is the debate about sugar and the cravings it sets up.  Her book makes perfect sense to me.

I then read Lick the Sugar Habit by Nancy Appleton, which again really spells out the problems with sugar. There is a lot of science in this book but Dr Appleton takes you through gently.  Again, it was another important book.  

But the book that has really spoken to me, no absolutely shouted at me has been Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  I have a feeling that Peridot recommended this to me (Peridot - have you read it?) a long time ago.  Anyway, I finally got it.  And wish I had found it years ago.  There were so many things in this book that answered a lot of questions I still had in my head and it addressed the despair that I feel about food.  It's all about the chemistry; body chemistry.   And sugar sensitivity lies at the heart of the body chemistry situation.  Not all people are sugar sensitive.  But if there is a history of alcoholism in your family (ie parents), chances are you are probably sensitive to sugar.  Of course, I have been saying that sugar is NOT my problem.  My issue is pasta, pizza and bread.  I can go cold turkey on the sweets.  But what are pasta, pizza and bread to the body?  Nothing but sugar (once they've been broken down).  Doh!  Of course, I know this.  I do know it.  But maybe I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it.

Something really clicked for me this week.  I have been going to the gym.  A lot.  This is major.  Each day my husband has asked me if I feel great.  No, I reply.  A sense of achievement?  Absolutely not.  What about all those good feelings that exercise is supposed to create?  A big fat zero. There is no runner's high for me. Well, after reading Potatoes not Prozac, I am beginning to understand why.

If you think sugar senstivity might be an issue for you, here's some questions taken from the book to help you:

• I really like sweet foods (as I said, I am not crazy about them - I can easily go without desert in a restaurant)
• I eat a lot of sweets (funnily enough, in a car, I can consume far too many sweets, even though I say sugar isn't my thing!)
• I am very fond of bread, cereal, popcorn and/or pasta (yes, yes, yes and I will go to extraordinary lengths to have any and/or all of these)
• I now have or once had a problem with alcohol or drugs (I've always been super paranoid about the former)
• One or both of my parents are/were alcoholic (sadly, yes)
• One or both of my parents are/were especially fond of sugar (yep!)
• I am overweight and don't seem to be able to easily lose the extra pounds (errrrr, yes)
• I continue to be depressed no matter what I do (this was the one that was really important for me)
• I often find myself overreacting to stress (guilty, as charged)
• I have a history of anger that sometimes surprises even me (shamefully, yes).

We all have to find what works for us.  Everyone is different (and several blogging chums have found what does it for them).  This, for me, is where I wish I had been able to go after doing my hardcore VLCD.  But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The next stage is starting the programme.  I like the fact that Kathleen DesMaisons has set up a website - with a forum (I LOVE a forum!) - called Radiant Recovery.  How fantastic is that?

I really, really, really did not want to have to go down the anti-depressant route and maybe, just maybe, I won't have to .  I am going to commit to this programme (oh my goodness, I've said it, on the blog!) because it makes sense.  I have to see if it can work for me.  Essentially, I don't think I am a miserable person but, of late, my bad, sad moods have made me really want to find a solution.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Who am I? Who are you? Who are we?

OK, as promised, some big stuff to get our teeth into - and straight after a Bank Holiday, too!  I promised you a great post - which I believe this is - and a guest one at that.  It's based on numerous conversations I've had with fellow weight-loss chums and I've asked my blogging pal, Tiger Girl, to summarise a meaty theory into one neat post!  I only really began to understand it about a month ago and like all good studies, I loved it and then...forgot it.  Well, no more!

Over to Tiger Girl...

So the saying goes that 'our beliefs drive our behaviour', which is all very true but what about the stuff that drives, shapes and forms our beliefs?  It's a complex lifelong process, but for the dieter knowing who we are and understanding how this impacts on our weight management is an absolutely critical piece of the jigsaw.

Our identity sits at the core part of us all.  If you try to answer the question, 'Who am I?' all sorts of answers will pop up; I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a friend, I'm a wife, I'm a colleague, I'm a sister, I'm a lover and so on.  But for us dieters, we need to scratch the surface and dig a bit deeper than that to start putting our whole story together.  

The great thing about beliefs is that they can and do change, and with a bit of work you can re-programme them all to be exceptionally empowering.  We hold very helpful beliefs about some aspects of our lives, and some spectacularly unhelpful beliefs which limit us or hold us back in certain areas.

Live Case Study moment!  

I have a very empowering belief about my work:

 'I love my job and I'm brilliant at it'  

And what do you know, I've got an uber mega job and an enviable CV.  However, 'I'm rubbish at long term relationships' sits at the opposing end of the scale, and here I am as single as can be. (It's a work in progress!)

Our beliefs drive everything that happens in our lives.  The better you get at 'trapping' them and understanding which ones help and which ones hold you back, the more change you can create.  The best and most simple way to do this is to do your own Identity Audit.  You will be amazed at how some of your beliefs and values have shaped who you are and how you behave.  And for the dieter, answers will come at you like a train.

For the dieter, we all know that 'eat less, move more', and 'planning', and 'resistance', and 'control' and on and on and on are all messages that we've heard, read or been told to do.  Endless strategies around dieting and exercise will have served us well momentarily at certain times in our lives.  But if your beliefs and identity don't stack up in line with these messages and strategies then that's when the wheels will probably fall off. It's a bit like trying to de-seed an apple by gently picking the skin off - so just cut it in half and get straight to the core!

The theory goes, 'to make the most profound impact on your behaviour, change your belief'. And if this doesn't register with you for any reason, just think about the times you've lost weight and been thrilled about it, only then to re-gain it and feel desperate.  It's probably because everything has changed in your environment (ie. apple skin has been picked at) and nothing has changed at all in your belief system (ie. the core!).

There's an NLP model which covers all of this in more depth.  Developed by Robert Dilts, the 'Neurological Levels' suggest that learning and change can take place at different levels, but the biggest changes come from the very core levels, and when aligned to the higher levels...harmony rules!

He says we operate on six levels:

1. Spirituality

This is the deepest level where we consider and act out the great metaphysical questions:

Why are we here? What is our purpose?

2. Identity

The next level is our basic sense of ourself:

Who am I?  What is my mission?

3. Beliefs

From our identity, come our beliefs.  These are the rules we live by based on what we think is or is not true.

4. Capability

Our skills and strategies that we use every day.

5. Behaviour

Our actions.

6. Environment

Our surroundings and the other people we meet.

An example of a hugely successful weight holder who has all of the levels perfectly aligned would work like this:

Environment: No matter where I am - the office, home, on holiday - it has no negative impact on my diet.

Behaviour: I eat 3 balanced meals a day and have 2 good snacks.

Capability: I know how to manage my weight well and have learned X strategy/X strategies to consistently do this.

Belief: I will always be a successful weight holder/maintainer.

Identity: I am a successful weight holder/maintainer.

Notice the differences in this example around holding a belief that you cannot stick to your diet when you're on holiday:

Environment: I don't stick to a diet when I'm on holiday - I see a beach and eat cake/drink cocktails!

Behaviour: I allow myself to go a bit mad with food when I'm on holiday.

Capability: I don't know how to stick to my diet when I'm on holiday.

Belief: I let go of all of the food rules when I'm on holiday or I don't enjoy myself.

Identity: I am a failure at managing my weight consistently.

Understanding what's going on at your identity level can really help you understand what's not working at the higher levels.  Think of it like peeling the layers from an onion and look at what's truly underpinning your frustrations, or, of course, discover how to further celebrate your successes if your levels are in pristine alignment already! 

*Neurological levels by Robert Dilts, adapted from 'Introducing NLP' by Joseph O'Connor and John Seymour

So, to the work!  It's your turn to get thinking...

Find out exactly where you're at by completing these sentences below.  This is your very own Identity Audit and the trick here is to write down the very first and immediate response that comes to mind.  You don't need to craft any answers, this is about discovering exactly what's going on for you in the belief system and working out the helpful stuff (which you will keep, and make even more powerful) and the rubbish bits (which you'll be putting in the bin - forever) that are getting in the way of truly building, re-shaping or fine tuning an identity which screams 'I am a hugely successful weight holding godess and love myself and my life'

Grab a pen and piece of paper and scribble down the answers that come to mind first on completing the following sentences:

1. In order to succeed, I must...
2. In order to get what I want, I need...
3. The most important thing about being my best physical self is...
4. As a dieter, I am...
5. As a friend, I am...
6. As a I woman, I am...
7. As a success, I am...
8. As the person I am today, I am...

And now the really important bit...

When you're done, go back and read your responses.  How true are they for you?  What rules are you setting yourself?  Are those rules helpful or holding you back?  Which of your responses do you want to make even bigger and better?  How can you do that?  Which of your responses do you want to get rid of?  How can you do that?

Become your very own identity detective and start piecing this stuff together.  Enlightenment awaits!

                                                                     

Mrs Lard here...I thought it would be helpful to give you a couple of examples to see how different people answer these questions:

Example 1

1. In order to succeed, I must...practise, learn, practise.
2. In order to get what I want I need...to share and laugh and lighten up
3. The most important thing about being my best physical self is...my strength
4.  As  a dieter I am...very successful
5.  As a friend I am...loyal and supportive
6. As a woman I am...liberated and learning
7. As a success I am ...fulfilled 
8. As the person I am today I am...where I want to be

Example 2

In order to succeed, I must love myself

In order to get what I want, I need to relax

The most important thing about being my best physical self is, my strength

As a dieter, I am successful

As a friend, I am loyal & supportive

As a woman, I am vulnerable

As a success, I am recognised

As the person I am today, I am happy & contented

Example 3

In order to succeed, I must be perfect

In order to get what I want, I need help

The most important thing about being my best physical self is...(love)

As a dieter, I am a failure (confused)

As a friend, I am fabulous

As a woman, I am...(lost)

As a success, I am ...blank (couldn't answer)

As the person I am today, I am OK (enough - but I don't believe it) 

**Massive thanks to my weightloss friend, Tiger Girl, for writing this. The words are hers!  I would be really interested in any feedback you may have; do you think it helped you?  Please let me know! Feedback really, really welcome!  Just email me at [email protected]

I found the process particularly...enlightening (!) and have been trying to make this post happen for a while now.  Shauna's recent post and Lesley's work with Dr Steve Peters prompted me to get TG to put pen to paper!  And then, of course, I had my own core belief moment last night with the pizza!!!

And finally...any TypePad chums out there who know about formatting?  I soooo cannot sort out the editor thang anymore.  Grrrrrr.

When is enough, enough?

Believe me, there's nothing like chronic pain to put someone in a bad, bad mood.  Or should I rephrase that and say nothing beats chronic pain for putting me in a b*tch of a mood?

Today, I am not loving life.  And I feel bad for that.  Bad, sad, spoilt and brattish.  I want to give myself a slap! And say snap out of it, lady!  Life ain't so bad, particularly in the Western World!  But do you know what?  A lot of my tried and tested methods for feeling better are simply NOT WORKING.

When I texted my lard-busting gal pal, she replied, "It's OK to be angry.  About everything. xxx"  That made me feel better. Momentarily.

It's as if a part of me is shouting, like an American coach, "I want results, people, results!"  And the rest of me is saying but we're working as hard as we can!

Here's the thing:

I have taken the maximum dosage of painkillers and they are not even touching it (the pain, that is). My pain laughs in the face of heavy-duty drugs.  And then some.

I've been doing this hardcore diet and the scales are NOT shifting.  Not one single ounce.  There I was, blithely saying that I'd be happy with 11 stone (BMI 25, on the nose) for the surgery.  The surgery was not 100% definite but it is now.  But guess what? In almost a week, I have lost...NOTHING. Nada.

The other thing that pain does is make me super resentful.  Of everyone.  Of everything.  Particularly about the things that I want (can you hear the feet stamping - just like a spoilt child) but can't seem to have/get/achieve...blah blah blah.

If you've seen Sex and the City, you'll know it's moments like watching your friends get a partner/hot date/get hitched/get pregnant/get a dream job.  You WANT to be happy for them but there's a part of you that says, "why not me?" and "Why isn't it ever enough? (sub-text, why aren't I enough?)."

When I am not in this hormone hellhole, I am like a different person.  I've worked really hard to be as true to my true self (or as the psychologists like to say, my authentic self) as possible.  I wish health, wealth (not purely monetary) and happiness to people I encounter.  I try to educate myself about being a better person because, as Ms Winfrey says, when you know better, you do better.  For yourself,  for your loved ones, for peoplekind.   (And animals, in my case!)

So you get the picture.  But once the hormones have taken up residence, rioting in my body, I am friend to no one, least of all myself.  And rational thinking has made a swift exit.

Anyway, anyway, however angry this post sounds (and I confess, it really does!), I want to end on something positive.  Refuse to Regain's latest entry talks about Martha Beck's take on being/having enough.  It's sooooo relevant to those of us who despair along the weight-loss way.  I urge you to read what the maintenance guru has to say.

I also really like Martha Beck (not related to the other Beck in my life - Dr Judith Beck!) and I really like 

O' Magazine.  I've just found the original article, entitled, When and How to Say "Enough!"  Again, it's really worth reading.  Martha Beck's suggested exercises could really help when the moments of despair (and rage) seem stronger than anything else.  See how you get on...

The best way to effect this shift is to use these simple exercises:
1. List 10 times you thought that there wouldn't be enough of something and you survived.
2. List 10 areas where you have too much, not too little.
3. List 20—or 50, or 1,000—wonderful things that entered your life just at the right time, with no effort on your part. Start with the little things (oxygen, sunlight, a song on the radio). You'll soon think of bigger ones. Most of my clients realize that the most important things in their lives showed up this way. 

So,  I hope it helps.

PS I soooo wish I could get my head round TypePad's new editing tools.  Apologies for the wonky formatting...blame the hormones!

Photo Library - Overload

The photo library clearout continues.  Today I have deleted over 3,000 duplicates and I haven't even finished. I was beginning to think it was a totally thankless task until I had a lightbulb moment.

I was going through the photos of our first New York trip in 2004 and to give you a sense of just how much stuff has been sitting on my server, I thought I'd share some gems:

I had six - yes, six - copies of Fluffy's Cafe and Bakery (!):

I had five copies of Carnegie's Deli (made famous by Woody Allen):

My husband reassures me that this is due to the fact that we switched from a PC to a Mac rather than me being so obsessed....

And then I had four of these pictures of the restaurant sign at Central Station:

Apart from the very obvious theme to my NYC photography, it struck me as so sad.  There are very few photos of me/us together in New York.  Why?  Because I was so fat.  

So that's reason number 1 why I want to lose weight; I simply would love to look back at photos and not feel shame.  I'd like to look back and think that was a lovely moment and that's a nice photo.  End of.

Post 800 - "Today is going to be a great day. Yesterday is over."

Well, I don't know what the weather is like where you are but here, in the south east, it is cold and sunny. A totally gorgeous day.

Porkchop (aka best friend) sent me an email, which made me smile so I thought I would share it:

"Today...is going to be a great day - yes. Yesterday is over. You must be well ahead of the game in chore terms as you were choring through glumness so WELL DONE YOU*!!! More than ever today am I realising that I am the hostage of hormones (I have just read Lard Arms) and that they dictate my moods and eating. Today joyful - not hungry - Monday/Tuesday not joyful despite very best efforts - ate own bodyweight. 

You know what I am thinking may be the secret for 2009? Running towards things we may have run from in the past ie saying YES not NO and no to the pizza and pies!!! I am going to hunt for some adventure for us too. 

Those are the wise words of someone who went to the post office with her t-shirt tucked into her jumbo purple pants exposed because her low rise jeans have to go below mount tum."

That just made me laugh.  But I also think the Hostage of Hormones has a really important point - yesterday IS over.  All we can control is now!

* We used to work together and we had a boss who was very patronising.  They always used to say "well done you" but we could tell they didn't mean it!  So we like to replicate it at all times and it makes us laugh! 

This is my 800th post for this blog  (TypePad prompts you).  Blimey!  I feel as if I don't know anything, anymore (particularly on the weight front) but I do feel as if I've made some amazing connections through this blog.  So massive hugs all round! Gosh, that sounds super cheesy!!! xxxxx

Overdrawn... at the scales

I wrote a very long post yesterday and then didn't publish it.  It didn't feel right.

This morning, I got on the scales and did not like what I saw.

I've had the food equivalent of cash handouts - lots of free meals - but they have come at a price.  I have exceeded my own non-negotiable of 13 stone.

And the weight gain has happened pretty quickly.  3 lbs between Friday and this morning.  And 4lbs in the week before.  Half a stone in a week.  Ouch.  But I know my body...these figures are a result of several weeks, not simply one week.  It's just showing up in this way.

It reminds me of last Christmas; there wasn't lots of excess, there was just consistent eating what I wanted - unchecked and over a few weeks - without any exercise to work off the extra calories.  And alcohol. Again, no binge drinking - just sustained alcohol intake over many weeks.

All things considered, I haven't been comfort eating BUT I have been eating too much...because I could.

Up until recently, I would have used this information to have a mental argument - with myself - and had the whole self-chastisement rant off pat.  I also would have freaked out and felt incredibly resentful about how I can't eat what I want, like other people, blah blah blah.

And ... how I would have to lose the weight, quick as you like, which would be hard, hard, hard.

You can probably hear my feet stamping from where you are!

Well...I can't behave like that.  It's not the answer.

What I also know is that if I hadn't allowed myself to exceed my own non-negotiables of 11, 12 and now 13 stones this year, the job facing me now would be a lot easier.

A revisionist approach is always very easy but one thing I know for sure; I started January 2008 knowing that I had put on 10lb over Christmas.

What I should have done (yes, I really mean that!) is focus on losing the 10lbs.   And holding my weight between 10 - 10.5 stones. 11 stone tops.  I was toying with the idea of abstinence and my LLC urged caution, which, ironically, was the right answer.  I think it could have been the perfect opportunity for...learnings. Learning to cope with food situations out of my control (well, not really but you know what I mean!) and then working around the consquences.  Instead, I didn't really make a decision - I started this or that but nothing with any consistency.  And then the weight see-sawed for a few weeks before I got pregnant.  And then all sorts of spikes set in.

Once I stopped abstinence last year, I became fixated with food, which was the opposite of what I wanted. I never wanted to be someone who was obsessed with what they eat.  And with that resistance came an inability to follow Route to Management with the same determination and diligence.  There was much falling off the wagon!

One message that I think everyone who has followed a VLCD needs to remember is that WE CAN LOSE WEIGHT.  And keep it off.  Before doing LighterLife, I associated dieting with failure.  Because I had failed so many times.

The irony is that when I started on the VLCD journey, it was all about trying to stop being fat.  I genuinely didn't know what being slim felt like.  I can barely remember it now but I do remember it felt better.  It definitely did.

What I also understand now is that I can be slim.  I really can.  It's a possibility.  Two years ago, I would not have believed it.  And I can eat nice things.  I really can.  I just can't eat them all the time and not do any exercise.  But I also know that I have lots of behaviours that need work so that I don't turn to food to block out the feelings.  Food is my coping strategy when I am tired, lonely, stressed, happy.

I definitely need to learn new ways of dealing with life without the crutch of food.    THAT is the challenge!

Have a great week, everyone.

No comfort eating = discomfort. Aha!

So, I'm back home with more admin' tasks to finish and/or start (like...Christmas cards!).  And try to tackle newspaper mountain - I am a bit of a news/magazine junkie.

Anyway, as I haven't been here for a while, I decided to multi-task and catch up on all my Sky + programmes (basically, Oprah Winfrey and Little Dorrit).  I still haven't watched the latter.

There as a special on Mariah Carey, which was I was going to delete but then...  Well, one thing she said caught my attention.

Apologies to any Mariah fans - I just don't know that much about her - but apparently she has lost weight this year.  So she was talking about comfort eating and if you don't comfort eat, you feel...uncomfortable.

So obvious.  So, glaringly obvious yet I have never thought about it in this way.  It just shouted at me. Sooooo, if we take away the comfort eating, we're left with the discomfort.  Soooo, that's what we have to tackle. Rephrase...that's what I have to tackle.

Of course, I've just labelled the issue - based on my LighterLife Counsellor's discussions - as feelings. But it's the discomfort that comes when those feelings are overwhelming.  So they can be happy or sad feelings because I've eaten my way through both.

Anyway, a bit of a lightbulb moment or, as Oprah would say, an aha! moment.

Could Cycling Be The Answer?!

My so-called last days of freedom have been taken up with matters domestic and technical. Our four days of relaxation will now be squeezed down into two. The husband is not happy but needs must.

I am not sleeping again, which is purely down to ANXIETY! About the commute.

I did a dry run a couple of weeks ago just to test it out; it was my husband's last day in his London office and the irony was not lost on either of us. He won't be commuting to London at all - quite the reverse, in fact, while I WILL be doing almost the same route as him with some added extras at either end.

The dummy run proved that the journey cannot be done in under two hours, even with the best connections in the world. The tube journey alone is at least 40 mins, connections permitting, which does not allow for the 20 minute walk from the station at the London end.

The tube bit of the journey is the worst; no two ways about it. It will be peak rush hour and on very popular trains. There will be very little I can actually achieve on that part of the commute unless I am carrying a pocket-sized book. It's all about being up close and personal at that time of the day.

The route is too far to walk; it's almost 5.5 miles, according to Google maps.

BUT it IS do-able by bike. I remember being struck by an article in the Evening Standard by Andrew Gilligan (yes, he of the whole BBC/Radio 4 - The Today Programme/Government/Weapons of Mass Destruction scandal).

Of course, it caught my eye because it was talking about weight loss - he managed to shift four stone in a year. Just by cycling.

Now, the solution for me would be to take my bike up to London and leave it there permanently. I would cycle to and from the mainline station, morning and night. There is a shower at work, so that might solve the daytime change needed. And in the evening, well, I'd just have to be hot and bothered on the train.

Initially, the thought of cycling in London again filled me with fear. I have read too many horror stories of cyclists crushed under lorries. There is something incredibly vulnerable about being on a bike in the city. But hang on, I cycled there A LONG time ago. Things have changed. Cycling is fashionable; even the Mayor is doing it!

Unfortunately, there isn't time to test out the route before I start work and it will be a massive shock to the system - cycling in the city, for more than five miles and let's not even think about the weather. BUT it could solve many problems with one hit - fitness, travel time, sense of achievement and seeing London rather than being stuffed in the Tube with all the other sardines.

So, I've got the plan. I just need to execute it.

When is a diet not a diet?

When is a diet not a diet?

Well, how's this for crooked thinking? I never used the four-letter word to describe my time on Foundation or Development (or Route to Management, for that matter). I don't think I ever used the phrase, "I am on a diet".

I used all sorts of euphamisms, talked about detoxing, rehab', programme, regime but never the 'd' word.

Because diets for me = one thing and one thing only. Failure.

Now, of course, LighterLife IS a diet! Like any VLCD (very low calorie...diet), it's the mother of all diets!

I'll be honest, I've had to give myself a good talking to this weekend because the nonsense had to stop.

I really fu***d up Route to Management - almost from the offset. And I beat myself up, relentlessly, about how badly I was failing to 'do' Route to Management and beyond perfectly.

The pounds didn't go on straight away, as most of you know, but now, I am closer to a two stone gain and that's no good.

I probably have written this somewhere else and apologies if I have but it's time for another reality check. One of my LighterLife group said that Route to Management must be viewed like any other diet; you've just got to do it. But that notion sent me reaching for something unspeakable like crisps, cheese or pasta - in sheer defiance of doing yet another diet. Sadly, the notion of dieting (abstinence aside) brings out my rebellious child big time.

But I have realised something this weekend; my way has not been working since before Christmas, which means at least three months. Three months of consistently undoing what I spent the previous 10 months trying to achieve. How mad is that?

I reckon, since pre-Christmas, I have felt every emotion going and compensated for it/negated it/run away from it/embraced it/rejected it ....with food when the going got tough. And slowly but surely, my old habits crept back in.

Even though I bought a load of foodpacks last week with the intention of doing abstinence, the reality is it just isn't going to happen. So I need another way.

Several of the successful weight holders in our group say that cutting out alcohol is a good place to start (stemming the slippery slope progressing any further); some say that bread/wheat really aggravates the bloatedness (and I guess lardiness) feelings so that has to be re-evaluated. And some say that sugar is the devil incarnate and must be avoided at all costs.

I am determined to discover what works for me. Permanently. And I am determined to find a way of eating and living (not existing). Lesley has prompted me to think about Weight Loss Resources (I think). Alison (Losing the Lard) is making me rethink weight loss, as is Peridot's.

I don't know the answer but this weekend - with time and space - has given me the much-needed rocket to stop messing around. I have made a decision; I am going to look after myself. Properly. This is radical and alien behaviour but it's time.

Since I have started temping, I have made poor food choices because...I haven't had time, I haven't had the inclination or the know how to do anything else. I have never taken any pleasure in feeding myself ie preparing tasty food just for me. Well, now is the time to find out how.

So, post-Easter, you find me on a mission. I don't think it will be easy but I am determined to do my best. What a revelation it will be ... to enjoy my own food!

I have so much to learn but I think it will be fun! xxxxxxxx

And So To Bed

Of course, she who is NOT eating whatever she wants (or planning it), can blog to her heart's content! And so I have.

I've got a good friend going through abstinence right now and it's hard. I've recommended the old bedtime routine - bath and bed; it works a treat!

I did it myself tonight and because I haven't had a bath for AGES (don't worry, I shower everyday!), I was really able to appreciate it. I read The Times T2 section - why marriage doesn't matter anymore - and a story about a writer who battled against an eco-shoe maker down in Totnes. Not exactly uplifting but I managed to switch off (from food).

Anyway, I then lay on my bed and I had a lightbulb moment; living like this isn't glamorous or exciting but it's necessary!

I think there is a nationwide belief that being slim equates to having FUN! All the time! And living life TO THE MAX! Permanently! If you think about your weight loss adventures, chances are you fantasised about a slim, new you - going here, there and everywhere. Shaking your booty! I met someone today, who is contemplating LighterLife and when I asked her about how she would feel, being slimmer, she said she would be ecstatic! When I talked about the time of vulnerability, which seems to strike so many of us (suddenly we're smaller and we feel more exposed), she was lost for words. That definitely was NOT part of her slimmer future!

Anyway, I am getting sidetracked; I want to write something that my LLC has said several times. Apparently, if we can keep the weight we have lost, off, for five years ie if we can maintain a lower weight for half a decade, then, and only then, do we have a strong chance of keeping it off for life. Yep!

So, when my anniversary comes next month, I'll be 20% through the process. This IS going to take time. This IS going to be tough on some days, easy on others. With all the ups and downs, the key thing is to stay the same!

LighterLife is all about balance - ultimately - but I think the early days require serious nuturing, serious headwork and serious...time for oneself. I still maintain there is an addiction at the heart of this and most people out of rehab, unless they are Britney or Lindsey Lohan, steer clear of the party scene for a while. The challenge for the food addicts is to keep the party AWAY from their home AND themselves.

For two evenings, I have been at home with my husband. There is a part of me that feels boring (not bored) but this is exactly what I need right now.

I realise I have just unearthed one of my major stumbling blocks with Route to Management; I associated eating food again as a release, from the straightjacket of abstinence (how I look back to those days with NOSTALGIA!). Eating 'normal' food represented a chance, a real chance, to be part of REAL LIFE. Suddenly I was back in the game of life and I started to pick up old behaviours! But the NEW WORLD, my NEW LIFE, cannot be like that most of the time. It requires NEW RULES, which I have not learnt. Yet!

Maintaining weight is going to require commitment, effort and attention to detail. It isn't glamorous, it isn't exciting (in a head-rush way), it doesn't make for great social chit-chat. But hey, if I can nail this, it will be SOOOOO worth it.

I may feel boring but I just have to hope that I am not!