I had a lightbulb moment. Yes, ANOTHER one! That's the thing with having a duvet day, it frees up the mind! I have even kept the curtains closed in the bedroom.
I've been out, seen the sunshine and thought, I need to be holed up to take stock.
Yesterday, I saw the builder's partner and I sobbed into her arms - literally. I was walking across the park opposite our house and she was walking the builder's dog - well, he's her dog, really! She works in the NHS and decided to distract me and make me laugh instead. I was talking nonsense, saying the same old, same old - poor me story - no dog, no husband, no home, no food (no, I didn't say that!), no let up. Blah blah blah. The builder's other half is a sensible woman (and a massive animal lover) and she cut me no slack but DID give me a massive hug and a lift back to the b&b and I was eternally grateful. I really do think it was that heady mix of hormones and tiredness...well, that's my excuse.
Anyway, today is MY day - retreating and catching up. But I keep getting interrupted with good things (on the house front) and instead of feeling happy, I feel jittery and ill-at-ease. And I also want to eat. BIG TIME even though I AM NOT HUNGRY.
Apologies if I am repeating myself so I'll cut to the chase; this is exactly the sort of day where, in the past, I would have consumed a lot of food. Every time I felt remotely uncomfortable (mentally), I would eat. It might start with toast (or scrambled eggs on toast if I had walked the dog) - as a good start to a "productive" day - setting myself up for success, etc, etc. Then I may have had some more toast and think about 'popping out' to get some food - just in case - just in case my energy flagged (which couldn't possibly be allowed to happen because I had SO MUCH to do) and so I was taking the pre-emptive strike approach. A short trip to the shops would include buying crisps (well, you could have guessed that one!), some Tunnocks Caramel Wafers if I was feeling tired and/or hormonal or just lots of savoury snacks - pitta bread and hummous and/or guacamole, slices of pizza (only one at a time), sandwiches - always bought A LOT of sandwiches and always the same varieties - egg and cress, egg mayonnaise, cheese and pickle, cheese and onion, cheese ploughman's (a particular favourite), cheese and tomato or egg and tomato. I used to go to Sainsbury's Local where sandwiches are MUCH cheaper!
Or, sometimes, when I lived in London, I would go to Tesco Metro and buy the three-sandwich pack, which was even better value. And I usually bought two packs of those, along with the crisps or other potato snacks - salt and vinegar twists, chipsticks, onion rings, cheesy puffs/balls (God, I loved those - just like Wotsits!).
(I've just read what I've written and it sounds like party food, doesn't it? What's THAT about?!)
Anyway, I digress because this is about something much deeper than Wotsits! So, I did a thought record - since I can't eat anything - not that there's much. It's slim pickings in the fridge as my husband isn't here.
I wanted to nail, once and for all, why I can't seem to handle these days - ones that I LONG to have, look forward to, have great plans for yet...in the end, they all go a bit Pete Tong.
I thought it was because I feared success - yes, I really did. I even bought a cassette entitled something like OVERCOMING YOUR FEAR OF SUCCESS! When Porkchop and I worked together and I had my most successful day ever (career-wise), I couldn't cope and had to hide in the loo to cry, after our CEO had come downstairs to praise my team (and me).
But do you know what? I don't think it's fear of success - I think it's something quite, quite different. And I think it's something that Porkchop and I have done, independently, since we were small.
When I was doing the thought record, I realised I was excited about today - not anxious. But, in the past, I think I would have not understood that it was excitement - given that I am catching up on deadlines, which I have always dreaded (or have I?!) - I have mistaken excitement for fear. I took this day off because I was worried things were getting out of control, on all fronts and I "needed to catch up".
And as I continued with the thought record, I wrote down "excitement is wrong" - "being excited and joyful is wrong". Oh my goodness, I thought (well, it IS a thought record!); I have been suppressing that excitement for years - years and years, in fact. And I think Porkchop has done the same.
Mini-Porkchop (also the name of a snack I give to my dog!) is Porkchop's daughter and my goddaughter. I absolutely adore her (and she me, which is lucky!) BUT she is full-on! In a good way, obviously! I have often said to Porkchop that Mini-P reminds me of...me, as I was. Porkchop has worked really hard NOT to suppress her daughter and I have often commented that the older she gets, the more I see what I could have been like, had all the dysfunctional stuff not got in the way. But there are many people around Porkchop and her other half who are only too quick to try to calm their daughter's natural energy.
When I went to stay with them, it was exhausting; no two ways about it. But my goddaughter loves life, I know she does. She wants to grab it with both hands and run and run (she's very sporty!). She has a phenomenal energy.
After I came back (from giving the talk), Porkchop emailed me and this is what she wrote:
"We both learnt at early age not to trust/act on instincts - because we were told not to or made to feel stupid when we did. Trivial example in my case being on a diet at 10. (My) instinct was to eat all the chocolate in world especially as we were in France - but the response thou shalt not eat chocolate by my parents resulted in me becoming...PORKCHOP (ie a fatty thing). This made me swerve away from all the things I wanted .... My thinking went "Want it, must run away from it". Ditto being a slim, highly successful version of self - I ran away from it. Anyhow, just occurred to me."
Porkchop was a shy child (a shock to anyone who meets her now!) and a clumsy one (apparently) but I am now wondering whether, in fact, Porkchop (just like her daughter) had a natural oomph about her that was too much to handle?!
And somehow, along the way, we've both learned to suppress our natural joie de vivre by eating (or doing other destructive activities). I don't think it's co-incidental that Porkchop and I both have a tendency to overpromise and under-deliver at work (in spite of MASSIVE overservicing) - simply because we have stretched ourselves so thin, trying to do everything because, deep down, we're probably overcome with excitement.
Postscript
If I am posting personal stuff, I like to check with the person first. Porkchop emailed me right back..
If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is surely absolute power (hahaha)....Cheese balls, hmm, I can taste them now - with my other fave - salt and vinegar chipsticks...
And I never knew that, even after more than a decade of friendship!
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