The Lard Arms

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Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow

Just a little update; went to Development last night and have lost 4lbs. This is, quite frankly, nothing short of a miracle as it's the most weight I have lost since...week 13!!!

This takes my total weight loss to 4stone11lbs - 5stone is still being VERY evasive! But I was really pleased because I SOOOO needed a physical "lift" to spur me on.

I am working at my friend's house today and I am finding it hard to be motivated so I keep finding distractions. And yes, I want to eat. But hey...

Anyway, here I am, at class last night, wearing my size 12 Autograph trousers and my new H&M t-shirt that I bought on THAT shopping trip:

Until later, fellow fat fighters! xxxxx

Let's Hear It For The Boy

I don't know whether it's being on site today, all day, with tradesmen galore but I can't get this song (Let's Hear It For The Boy by Deneice Williams) out of my head.

Anyway, there's no doubt that the fat-fighting blogs seem to be by written, mainly, by women so it's great to find a blog written by a bloke. And it's even better if the bloke blog is about LighterLife!

Ice Moose (Mike) did a great blog last year http://mylighterlife.iblog.com/ - a real nuts and bolts, how to do it blog - about his LighterLife journey. And now Guinea has been busy writing about HIS LighterLife experience http://guineasblog.blogspot.com/ and I really like what he has to say; I like the different perspective.

Now fishing really isn't my thing but I have been fascinated by it, having read about it on Guinea's blog. Sometimes, it's just so refreshing to read what it's like - LighterLife - for a guy.

Anyway, another reason I want to mention Guinea is that he posed a very important question - on this blog - and it got me thinking. A lot!

In Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 8, I asked:

Is it all too good to be true?

Do you ever get the feeling that this won't last? This whole LighterLife, changing behaviour, full-on focus that this process has become?

And this is what Guinea had to say:

"...rather than ask the question "can it last" we should be asking "how can we make it last". It will not happen without effort. My plan looks similar to yours. Try to create an active lifestyle. Get out running, get on the bike and do whatever it takes to get fit."

And then, lo and behold, last night's Evening Standard ran a double-page spread on...triathlons! Well, not triathlons in general but a personal perspective entitled, "My iron woman challenge at 47 - Caroline Phillips on why she decided to train for a triathlon"

This is what Ms Phillips wrote:

"A walk around Selfridges was once my idea of aerobic exertion....But at the age of 47 and with two children, a mid-life crisis was looming. Not to mention a sense (a legacy of having had an eating disorder) of never seeing myself as slim enough, plus a desire to get really fit and raise money for ChildLine."

"Looking back, I've loved my recent training, and its intensity, have enjoyed meeting triathletes and have revelled in my new-found focus, positivity and energy. I'll miss having a goal and feel out of sorts on day s when I don't exercise.

"But I feel apprehensive about the race. I feel scared that I may be unable to complete the swim...And I feel nervous that I may not be able to manage a run after all that biking and swimming. But that's how I felt before Blenheim. Anyway I don't have to be fast. I'd just like to finish the race."

I thought those last sentences were pretty profound.

My neighbour opposite - sadly now moved away - had also done the Bleinham Triathlon and I must admit, I was intrigued and inspired...yes, I really was!

I think Guinea's question "how can we make it last" is fundamental to our long-term success; he is a wise soul, indeed.

In the meantime, if you want to see Caroline's charity site, here it is: www.justgiving.com/carolinephillips

Portion Control

After yesterday's mammoth effort to post, post and post again, today is going to be the opposite as I have to be on site at 7.30am before the electricians arrive and box up my office. The builders have already created the sandy beach effect in that room and my bedroom (from all the dust) and now it's time to salvage what I can before my belongings are damaged forever.

Most of our stuff is indeed in storage but I still needed to work and have access to my files....hmm, should have done this a few weeks ago methinks!

Anyway, Chris (http://livelifelighter.blogspot.com) is starting Slimming World and we've been cheering her on (hope the first weigh in was GOOD) and thinking about...portion control!

Is portion control an appropriate metaphor for life, I wonder?

Ages ago, I wrote that I wanted a life in balance and then realised that was LighterLife's strapline - doh! Well now I've gone into feast or famine mode in ALL areas of my life and it isn't good! Not at all.

So, maybe I need slightly more structure about writing up the blog, etc so that it isn't this all or nothing scenario (Chris - I HEAR you!).

In the meantime, just want to say massive thanks for all the encouragement coming my way - you are all so generous in our own 'circle of trust'. If you've seen Meet the Fockers, you'll know what I am talking about! I LOVE that film! When I read your comments, I just smile and smile - talk about positive strokes!

Anyway, I'd like to ask the regular readers some advice (one for Lesley, maybe?) - it saddens me to say that someone has been all over this blog like a rash and is pinching ideas for their own! I've seen it with my very own eyes but it's so subtle that I almost missed it! Even the copyright notice has not deterred them! Like all bloggers, I'm more than happy to be quoted and credited and vice versa. Anything used by The Lard Arms, gets a full-fat credit; after all, if it's your idea or your words, you should be acknowledged!

But now that person is creeping around my site, trying to hide the fact that they are here. This is what I'd like to say...just as in Meet the Fockers, I see you (and if you could see me, you'd know that I'd be making that little move that Robert De Niro does when he clocks what's going on!).

We're all on this lardbusting journey together - it's about sharing and supporting each other, cheering each other on as we pass yet more milestones. There's no need to be sneaky and you'll be found out in the end. Yes, you will!

Everyone's journey is different; we want to get to the same place - peace and calm in the world of food - but our experiences make each journey unique.

Lovely bloggers...what should I do? I definitely don't want to name and shame!

Porkchop (and Mini-Porkchop) and Mrs Lard - Cut from the Same Cloth

I had a lightbulb moment. Yes, ANOTHER one! That's the thing with having a duvet day, it frees up the mind! I have even kept the curtains closed in the bedroom.

I've been out, seen the sunshine and thought, I need to be holed up to take stock.

Yesterday, I saw the builder's partner and I sobbed into her arms - literally. I was walking across the park opposite our house and she was walking the builder's dog - well, he's her dog, really! She works in the NHS and decided to distract me and make me laugh instead. I was talking nonsense, saying the same old, same old - poor me story - no dog, no husband, no home, no food (no, I didn't say that!), no let up. Blah blah blah. The builder's other half is a sensible woman (and a massive animal lover) and she cut me no slack but DID give me a massive hug and a lift back to the b&b and I was eternally grateful. I really do think it was that heady mix of hormones and tiredness...well, that's my excuse.

Anyway, today is MY day - retreating and catching up. But I keep getting interrupted with good things (on the house front) and instead of feeling happy, I feel jittery and ill-at-ease. And I also want to eat. BIG TIME even though I AM NOT HUNGRY.

Apologies if I am repeating myself so I'll cut to the chase; this is exactly the sort of day where, in the past, I would have consumed a lot of food. Every time I felt remotely uncomfortable (mentally), I would eat. It might start with toast (or scrambled eggs on toast if I had walked the dog) - as a good start to a "productive" day - setting myself up for success, etc, etc. Then I may have had some more toast and think about 'popping out' to get some food - just in case - just in case my energy flagged (which couldn't possibly be allowed to happen because I had SO MUCH to do) and so I was taking the pre-emptive strike approach. A short trip to the shops would include buying crisps (well, you could have guessed that one!), some Tunnocks Caramel Wafers if I was feeling tired and/or hormonal or just lots of savoury snacks - pitta bread and hummous and/or guacamole, slices of pizza (only one at a time), sandwiches - always bought A LOT of sandwiches and always the same varieties - egg and cress, egg mayonnaise, cheese and pickle, cheese and onion, cheese ploughman's (a particular favourite), cheese and tomato or egg and tomato. I used to go to Sainsbury's Local where sandwiches are MUCH cheaper!

Or, sometimes, when I lived in London, I would go to Tesco Metro and buy the three-sandwich pack, which was even better value. And I usually bought two packs of those, along with the crisps or other potato snacks - salt and vinegar twists, chipsticks, onion rings, cheesy puffs/balls (God, I loved those - just like Wotsits!).

(I've just read what I've written and it sounds like party food, doesn't it? What's THAT about?!)

Anyway, I digress because this is about something much deeper than Wotsits! So, I did a thought record - since I can't eat anything - not that there's much. It's slim pickings in the fridge as my husband isn't here.

I wanted to nail, once and for all, why I can't seem to handle these days - ones that I LONG to have, look forward to, have great plans for yet...in the end, they all go a bit Pete Tong.

I thought it was because I feared success - yes, I really did. I even bought a cassette entitled something like OVERCOMING YOUR FEAR OF SUCCESS! When Porkchop and I worked together and I had my most successful day ever (career-wise), I couldn't cope and had to hide in the loo to cry, after our CEO had come downstairs to praise my team (and me).

But do you know what? I don't think it's fear of success - I think it's something quite, quite different. And I think it's something that Porkchop and I have done, independently, since we were small.

When I was doing the thought record, I realised I was excited about today - not anxious. But, in the past, I think I would have not understood that it was excitement - given that I am catching up on deadlines, which I have always dreaded (or have I?!) - I have mistaken excitement for fear. I took this day off because I was worried things were getting out of control, on all fronts and I "needed to catch up".

And as I continued with the thought record, I wrote down "excitement is wrong" - "being excited and joyful is wrong". Oh my goodness, I thought (well, it IS a thought record!); I have been suppressing that excitement for years - years and years, in fact. And I think Porkchop has done the same.

Mini-Porkchop (also the name of a snack I give to my dog!) is Porkchop's daughter and my goddaughter. I absolutely adore her (and she me, which is lucky!) BUT she is full-on! In a good way, obviously! I have often said to Porkchop that Mini-P reminds me of...me, as I was. Porkchop has worked really hard NOT to suppress her daughter and I have often commented that the older she gets, the more I see what I could have been like, had all the dysfunctional stuff not got in the way. But there are many people around Porkchop and her other half who are only too quick to try to calm their daughter's natural energy.

When I went to stay with them, it was exhausting; no two ways about it. But my goddaughter loves life, I know she does. She wants to grab it with both hands and run and run (she's very sporty!). She has a phenomenal energy.

After I came back (from giving the talk), Porkchop emailed me and this is what she wrote:

"We both learnt at early age not to trust/act on instincts - because we were told not to or made to feel stupid when we did. Trivial example in my case being on a diet at 10. (My) instinct was to eat all the chocolate in world especially as we were in France - but the response thou shalt not eat chocolate by my parents resulted in me becoming...PORKCHOP (ie a fatty thing). This made me swerve away from all the things I wanted .... My thinking went "Want it, must run away from it". Ditto being a slim, highly successful version of self - I ran away from it. Anyhow, just occurred to me."

Porkchop was a shy child (a shock to anyone who meets her now!) and a clumsy one (apparently) but I am now wondering whether, in fact, Porkchop (just like her daughter) had a natural oomph about her that was too much to handle?!

And somehow, along the way, we've both learned to suppress our natural joie de vivre by eating (or doing other destructive activities). I don't think it's co-incidental that Porkchop and I both have a tendency to overpromise and under-deliver at work (in spite of MASSIVE overservicing) - simply because we have stretched ourselves so thin, trying to do everything because, deep down, we're probably overcome with excitement.

Postscript

If I am posting personal stuff, I like to check with the person first. Porkchop emailed me right back..

If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is surely absolute power (hahaha)....Cheese balls, hmm, I can taste them now - with my other fave - salt and vinegar chipsticks...

And I never knew that, even after more than a decade of friendship!

Limiting/Core Beliefs - UPW Part Two

The next part of UPW dissected looks at limiting beliefs, something that LighterLife covers in Foundation (otherwise known as core beliefs).

If you acknowledge that fear comes from meaning (the meaning YOU give to events/words), that meaning comes from belief and your belief may be limiting...one or more areas of your life.

All beliefs carry consequences and there is a much-used quote, "whether you think you can or can't, you're probably right", which sums up the power of limiting beliefs.

If you think about your limiting beliefs - ask yourself, what have they cost you? Think about something that you want in your life and why you don't have it! Before you started LighterLife, did you ever think you would be slim? I know I definitely did not.

Recently, I had to give a talk at a girls' grammar school; it was called, "Languages Mean Business" and the aim was to demonstrate to the students that languages were a worthwhile subject to learn because you would learn skills that you could have for the rest of your life.

Porkchop organised it, which is how I got involved. She thought that a combination of LighterLife and UPW (Tony!) would set me up nicely to do a good day's presenting and teaching.

The day was full-on, no two ways about it. Speaking to groups of teenage girls and keeping them engaged was challenging to the extreme, particularly as the speakers were rotated around the room. After running the same session six times, my mind began to get fuzzy.

In the second half of the session, we had to run language taster sessions; I can't believe I let myself be talked into doing it (I studied a modern language at university).

By the end, I was a wreck! We went back to the staff room and some of the feedback forms had arrived. I checked out my own feedback and it didn't seem very good - a couple of critical comments - and that is what I took away from the day.

Porkchop knows me very well and phoned me later to give me the full feedback report and it was much more positive. But, to a certain extent, the damage was done - the negative feedback confirmed my own limiting beliefs about myself. This is in spite of 64% of students reporting that my language sessions were "briliant"! Some of the girls even said I was inspiring!

Porkchop decided to circulate the feedback to Mrs Jupiter and my mum, since they are all supporting me on the LighterLife journey. And this is what Mrs Jupiter had to say:

"Something nagged in my brain about this list from the moment I read this and I couldn't work out what it was. Pretty quickly I identified that everything on the list was the direct opposite of what you say in the blog about how you feel, but something still nagged. Anyway, this morning while shaving my legs, it came to me. It could be unoriginal, it could be wrong, but I thought it was brilliant (ahem). I feel as though you've been working on feeling these things in order to believe them which does make sense, but it's proving a difficult road. What if you decided to believe all the things people told you about yourself without question? Eventually maybe you would feel it, and in the meantime you could enjoy it. What do you think?"

Hmmm...what indeed?

Emotional Flood - UPW Part One

I don't know why - well, actually, I think I do - but I have resisted writing this post because...I wasn't sure how to convey what a challenging but illuminating weekend I had in London a month ago.

I attended a Tony Robbins course - Unleash the Power Within (UPW) - and it was better than I hoped. But, like Marmite, Mr Robbins is either someone you love or hate - depending on your mood and state of mind.

There were elements that were very evangelical (it could so easily have been Billy Graham on the stage but without the religion) and I didn't walk across hot coals (too tired and went home early) BUT I got an enormous amount from the four days. There was a lot of physical movement and, as a result of that, I began to feel connected with my body, something I haven't done since I was six years old. That, in itself, made it worth attending but there was so much more. I have talked about the urge to move in this blog and it was at UPW that the spark was ignited.

(Lesley and Tiger Girl - I think this is where you are streets ahead in the LighterLife journey - by exercising, you have been connecting with your body during the whole process rather than after 19/20 weeks, like me.)

There is a process during the weekend that is called Emotional Flood and, the name, for me, sums up the weekend. It WAS full on, it WAS challenging, it was both a turn on and a turn off but it seemed to be perfectly timed with what I was doing on LighterLife.

It's definitely not for the fainthearted but my view is, if you are doing LighterLife, you are ready to go/do hardcore! It was incredible to access some peak states (feeling incredible) and connect those states with moving, physically. If you remember the Green Book from Foundation, there is a page about NLP - well, Tony Robbins has taken the best of NLP and developed his own take on it.

I am deliberately NOT promoting the weekend, even though it had a profound effect on me for the better because it's such a personal thing (my husband hated it!) but it helped me and I got a lot out of it. I told my LLC about it because we're all looking for things that work and don't work.

Tony did an intervention with someone who had had a very traumatic event in her life and as he was working with her, he said that not one of the cells in her body from that time now existed; all the cells had been renewed. She was NOT the same person. I thought that was very powerful, particularly as we relive traumatic events over and over again in our minds. That process resonated with me - after LighterLife, I will have a new body and I really want to see it in that way; I don't want to mistreat it in the way that I have for the first 40 years.

Some other issues/questions that came up, included:

What's your core energy? Well, I don't know yet - I am only beginning to find out but I do know that I suppressed my true energy when I ate so much - I literally stuffed down everything - to suppress any and every emotion!

Do you know how to be YOU? Well, I thought I did but again, LighterLife is bringing out a very different person. I am the same but changed - fundamentally. That doesn't mean that I am taking being slim for granted - quite the opposite (and I still haven't got my head round it) - but post Route to Management, I will need to learn how to be me! And so will you (have to learn how to be the real you)!

You can't control outside events but you can control the meaning YOU give to them.

If LighterLife has taught us anything, surely it is this? The meaning I gave to things involved a licence to eat!

Maintaining Momentum - UPW (Introduction)

Like so many Developers, I have been struggling. I've gone round and round in circles, in and out of forums, writing, thinking, writing, thinking and...still struggling!

What I have noticed is that we seem to be struggling in similar ways and with the exception of Fishface and Cerulean, total abstinence has become a dim and distant memory. We dip in and out of it; whereas weekends were hard before, now we're more complacent. I think it's ok to make these generalisations; I know I am not alone. Earlier on in the LighterLife journey, I would not have contemplated having the food I did at the weekend but, truth be told, I would not have gone out! Full stop. For me, the programme only really worked when I had self-imposed exile. And routine. Now it's summer and my husband and I are being more social and with that social activity come...opportunities to eat. Interestingly, we went to see friends on Sunday morning and whilst my husband tucked into a brunch of his favourites - bread and cheese, roasted peppers, crisps, etc - I stayed abstinent and didn't even give the food any thought at all! I managed to zone out completely.

At the weekend, while the shed was being built on Sunday afternoon, we saw our neighbours - one of whom is starting LighterLife very soon. She has her introductory session this week and, although I feel uncomfortable writing this, it is down to me that she is embarking on the LL journey. We sat down to talk it through (while our respective husbands joked about the LighterLife men's support group!) and I offered to give her all the support she needed; as I explained, I knew no one, absolutely no one, who had ever done anything like this. Hence the blog, hence the forum activity, hence the secrecy - what if it failed?!

Anyway, our conversation got me thinking about what worked and what didn't, what she would need and what she wouldn't! And then someone posted on the forum, asking for tips and advice for a beginner and so this has prompted to me write a Beginner's Guide to LighterLife.

In the meantime, back in the choppy waters of Development, I have met someone who finished Development (5 stone down), moved to Route to Management and then...came back to Development. Basically, she had a celebration, ate what she wanted and then...as she says, it was a slippery slope. But what really struck me about her experience was that she said how incredibly easy it was to slip back into old habits.

This has been much on my mind, to be honest; I remember watching a DVD during Foundation, where there was talk of having a clean slate with food. It sounded so amazing, so fantastic and I still believe that is possible.

Part of my concern about prolonged abstinence is that there is a possibility that food may take on even greater importance - absence making the heart grow fonder and all that - and not in a healthy way. As a former bulimic, I have tried to loosen the hold that food had over me. I had specific counselling for my bulimia and it was drummed into me that restriction = screwed up thinking about food. I have already posted about my new-found love of sweet things and that worries me slightly.

Anyway, what I am going all around the houses with, is a question - how am I (how are we/how are you) going to maintain the momentum we had when we started LighterLife? Mine has definitely diminished; absolutely no doubt about it.

And then, at the weekend, I saw my friend with whom I did a course in London - more than a month ago and again, it struck me that whilst I had been fired up, highly motivated and determined, immediately after the course, that momentum has...stagnated, too.

There is something about Development (and maybe life) that - with less structure - comes less attention to detail, less focus which then equal fewer results and dissatisfaction.

Porkchop has been a massive support to me over the past few weeks and she keeps reminding me that the answers are within, not outside. I think that's right and I also think that mutual support - from others going through the same thing or with the same goals - is absolutely critical. We need to cheer each other on, even after the goal has been reached!

My food heroine, Dietgirl, is over in America right now at blogher blogher.org and she has been wondering about what to do now she has reached her destination (goal weight). Blogging was a huge part of that journey (several years) and, as I commented on her most recent post, she will need to set new goals to maintain momentum.

And this leads me, quite nicely, into the next post about recapturing my own enthusiasm, which seems to have run away and hidden somewhere.

I know I definitely had it at the Excel Centre, London last month.....

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Monday 30th July)

Who said that? None other than ... Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz.

It made me smile. It's been a hard, hard day and I was about to raid the builders' supply of teacakes (M&S does a selection of chocolate biscuits and I worked out the least damaging) when my mobile rang - it was the kitchen fitter - so I sat down in front of the computer and this arrived in my inbox.

It's my utterly gorgeous girl - ok, I am biased but this picture reduced me to tears and so I've forwarded it to the builder as a prompt to keep moving fast. I am missing my dog! So this was my chocolate fix for the day. Not bad! And the builders' supply is safe!

Technically Challenged But Determined

There have been some fantastic comments on this blog that I'd like to share so will try to do a round up today; many of them are thought provoking. I can't work out how to display them and respond to them! Doh!

I've decided to have a duvet day. I'll go down to check on the builders but this is a much-needed catch up day - with my favourite activity - admin! But I am also going to catch up on all the posts that I have half finished so, sorry Chris, there will be even more to read. Ha ha.

Hope everyone is managing to stay strong; I'm not but taking a step back is no bad thing!

HAVE A GREAT DAY ABSTAINING (if you are meant to be right now)!