The Lard Arms

Here but...not here!

Just back from Development 4 (yes, it's 10.30pm!). I have half written several posts, which I will put on the blog when I get a chance. Hopefully, I will be able to catch up tomorrow evening - with my own blog and with everyone else's.

Feel as if I have been to hell and back this week - all will be revealed.

In the meantime, I thought I would give you an update after Peridot's comment - if it inspires others, it has to be a good thing!

Here are the vital statistics:

I have lost 3stone11lbs = 53lbs in total, I think.

This week's loss was 3lbs - thank goodness because the weekend was NOT good!

My BMI is now...in the normal range - just under 25.

I have lost:

6 inches off my bust (chest in the LL white book)

13 inches off my waist (yes, a whole foot and a bit more!)

6.5 inches off my hips.

TOTAL INCH LOSS - 2.1 feet. Blimey!!! Oh Riley!!!

How am I feeling? A bit detached from it all, really.

If you are starting LighterLife, just do it! And don't cheat. I don't consider my NYC eating as a cheat but I have been nibbling here and there - particularly since the end of Foundation - without any justification. Your weight loss will slow right down. I've also noticed that being smaller (than when I started), I am much more sensitive to moving in and out of ketosis.

I'm not where I want to be yet but without LighterLife, my fellow bloggers, my own support network (Best Friend, Mrs Jupiter and my mum) and the forum, I certainly wouldn't be here.

After being all at sea with Development and the end of Foundation, I seem to have discovered some resolve - from somewhere. There is no doubt that crooked thinking was to blame for me going off course and more than ever, I am acutely aware of just HOW powerful it is. I haven't mastered it - far from it - but I guess awareness is half the battle.

Hope everyone is doing well, feeling well and staying focused.

Development 3 Session

Well, I think I have got into the swing of this Development malarkey. It really is rehab for fatties, no two ways about it.

For the third week running, I have had to introduce myself and talk about my weight loss to date, blah, blah, blah. This was for the benefit of the new person in our midst but it didn’t add up, initially, because we know that Foundation has finished and we are too early for yet more Foundation people to join us. So how come we had a solitary newbie?

It turns out that the new person did Foundation and then went off the rails.

There was much talk of abstinence – AGAIN – and less chat about how people fell off the wagon, which they did – me included, of course.

Lots of people WEREN’T there tonight yet we struggled to have enough time so am not sure how we will fit it all in if we all make it to class again, particularly when the current Development groups merge into one. Will it be standing room only? I guess not because our LLC, as I keep saying, runs a very tight ship!

Two things struck me about tonight; since we are in abstinence, or supposed to be, any persistent rule breakers are NOT tolerated!

Two people have come back having lapsed – one AFTER Foundation ( the solitary newbie) – and one during Development, I think. Anyway, neither did Management. BUT (sorry, so many caps, tonight) the repeated lapser has been told that if she is not in ketosis next week, she must go straight to Management. A sort of three strikes and you’re out. Our LLC said this was about boundaries – for the person concerned and for our LLC. Has this happened to anyone else? I have to say I was fascinated and, of course, understanding why it must be so. It seems fair enough.

Then the new person introduced herself and we heard her story. It seems that one meal really was her undoing. I was fascinated – again (!) because I have read about such people who have fallen off the wagon from one meal and never really understood how this is possible. Of course, it wasn’t the meal that she had to eat (her words, not mine) that undid her, it was the chocolates in the hotel, later that day. The reason that I know this is because I asked her! Outright. Both our LLC and one of the Developers tackled her crooked thinking and challenged her to think again.

The underlying message from both of them and presented in different ways was that unless this person changed her mindset, she would not succeed. Well, you just can’t argue with that but I did think the successful Developer who tackled Solitary Newbie was very brave to be so upfront. It was a necessary discussion but…I would not have been so bold, however passionate I may feel.

My fellow Foundation chums all had bad weeks; the three of us have lost 3stone7lbs, 3stone8lbs and 3stone9lbs respectively. I found that a bit spooky. We are so close to each other, aren’t we?

When I look back at my notes from the session, there is still so much more to say! One thing that my Foundation Friend said was that the shorter session is very noticeable and I agree; we just can’t seem to cover everything, yet all we seem to have done for three weeks is introduce ourselves!!

Tonight I had to say my name, my weightloss to date, what have I gained the most from losing the weight and how my week has been. As it was so close to the end of the session, I tried to keep it short.

There had been many comments – before me - about how clothes shopping is a joy, how compliments are a double-edged sword and…how great it is being smaller. Hmmm. I just don't feel like that.

I said that although this is a food programme, the biggest thing for me is how it has made me feel mentally. I explained that I still have massive issues about compliments but that “I’m ok with that” and I said that I had managed to pull myself back after a bad week. But, funnily enough, I am beginning to get a sense of the real me; yes, I am!!!

It’s just a fleeting feeling but I can’t help but imagine that by losing the blubber, I will find the real me – somewhere! Or the real meal will emerge. I don’t feel as if I am there yet BUT just to get those fleeting feelings is a good sign, I think.

Development 2 Session (June 5) - Hello, my name is Mrs Lard and I am a food addict

I didn't know what to expect of Development 2 AND I nearly didn't make it because the trains to London were f***ed. My boss couldn't get in for a meeting and the traffic (for those with cars) was horrendous.

Anyway, when I got off the Tube I saw one of my Foundation friends who didn't make it last week so tonight was her first Development. We haven't seen each other for three weeks. We greeted each other with much amusement and she uttered the immortal line, "Well, who is this pencil?!" It made me smile; we really are both much smaller than when we first met. We hugged and walked to class. (This is significant and you'll understand why as you read on.) En route, we saw another Foundation friend who is still in Foundation - she had to change her days so restarted with another group. She was blown away by us both and because she is struggling, she said we were inspiration. That was so nice - for us and for her - I think.

When we got to our LLC's house, there were new people who are long-term members of this Development group but this time I didn't feel nervous (of the new people). So that's progress.

It was the same setup as last week - we sit around talking while we all get weighed - individually - and pick up our orders (ordered ahead). There is definitely an odd feeling in the room; I can't quite pinpoint what it is but when I look back at the session as a whole, it's was clearly one of two halves. It had an uptight air to it and I can't work out if it's certain people's issues that are colouring the whole atmosphere or whether it's the fact that some people are really struggling and Development is all about waiting and feeling as if you are in between. It's limbo time, isn't it? Foundation is over and if you have a lot of weight to lose, you're in for the long haul.

In Foundation, even if you don't have the same amount of weight to lose, you all start together. And you all finish together - well, those who stay the distance do. In Development, you may start and see people just going and vice versa, just as you may be finishing, new people will be starting. If Development proves to be hard, it must be even harder to see new Foundation people arriving, full of optimism and "fizz" (Katie Hopkins word from The Apprentice!!). And if you are in Development for a very long time, just as it's good to be able to wow the newbies with your amazing weight loss, it must be hard to know you still have some way to go.

This may explain why there were several comments last week along the lines of "well, that's such a fresh from Foundation set of answers". I didn't get it last week. Now I do.

Anyway, I was feeling upbeat because I had seen my Foundation friends and, yes, it felt familiar. My FF and I also took some photos of each other to mark our 100 days. I didn't see it as a celebration but I just really wanted to document it.

After what seemed like a long time, our LLC came into the room and said that as there were lots of new faces (people coming back, new Foundation people, etc), it might be good to introduce ourselves, reveal our weight losses and explain how we are feeling today.

What struck me about THIS session was how upbeat most people were feeling; it reminded me of Foundation 1 when most of the group were looking forward to wearing summer clothes. And to give you some perspective on the weight losses, at 3stone6lbs down, we (FF and I) are the lowest losers by a long way. Five stone is the average. I don't see it as a competition but I wanted to demonstrate that these women have serious weight losses under their belts and THAT is impressive; not the weight losses themselves but the changes that these losses have made to their lives. The Developers are living their lives differently or making big changes that are beneficial to them. The weight losses have freed them.

If someone mentioned something that was pertinent to all, our LLC discussed it further. So, tonight, for example we looked at the Cycle of Change. In the yellow Development book this is described thus:

"Cycle of change: review how you came to decided to take action towards your new, healthier, lighter future - and how lapsing can be one of the most important times of growth and learning".

Our LLC had a nifty little diagram of the Cycle of Change and she gave some brilliant examples of the various stages; of course, I was so busy trying to copy it in my Development Notebook (also yellow) that I didn't catch everything she said.

I am going to post separately about CoC, particularly for those of you not doing LL (Chris and Mel and Claire).

We compared Foundation, Development and Management with each other; F & D are all about understanding how you got to the bigger weight whilst getting smaller and then Management is all about holding that new weight.

I think there is a sense that the tools from Foundation will be making a regular appearance - thought records, crooked thinking, etc, etc.

For the strugglers, there was this message - abstinence is all or nothing. It IS a sacrifice BUT you have to weigh up what you are giving up with what you want to get more of (health, slim figure, whatever, whatever).

Development is slim on the ground for new "toys" - we just get one yellow book (nothing like the opus that is the green book!) and a yellow notebook. The yellow course book is full of medical certificates and a sample menu of what we can expect in Development, so here they are:

Crossing the River

Cycle of Change

The Pros and Cons of Change

Egograms (continued from Foundation)

Awareness

Discounting (I want to work on this as I didn't really get it during Foundation)

Core Beliefs (as above)

Self-care - definitely one for EVERYONE!

Reflections

Boundaries

Assertiveness

Miracle Day.

So, a cheeky taster of what is to come.

Oh yes, the end of Development 2. I was the last person to speak so there wasn't much time. I talked about feeling very uneasy about receiving compliments (APART FROM fellow LighterLifers), about being out of control and generally...feeling as if I was on a runaway train. Of course, extreme tiredness did not help!

This time I did NOT cry during Development but I did manage to weep all the way to the mainline station. I shall document that separately.

So, it started well and ended up opening the biggest can of worms. Gosh, I can't wait for more!

Development 1 Session

Well, that was an experience I don't feel inclined to repeat in a hurry!!

I've already said that I felt uncomfortable and apprehensive about Development - the great unknown and all that but it was so much more intense than I expected and I've come home feeling vulnerable, out of sorts and generally quite antsy.

My overwhelming feeling is that this feels like rehab (or what I imagine rehab to feel like).

AND although I want to eat a pack (hot banana custard), I know that if I ate it now it would be purely to stop feeling so ... scared.

Of course, I appreciate it's not going to be the same as Foundation; how could it be? But, if I'm honest, I had started to feel happy in Foundation - you know, like the swot at school - doing my homework, contributing, being honest BUT feeling safe. And succeeding!

I remember I cried when we did the Mastery session, which was totally unexpected and, therefore, uncomfortable but at least I didn't feel judged by the others.

Tonight I think I went with the wrong attitude; I told myself I was nervous and...I went in nervous. I didn't find the group initially very warm; clearly there is a confidence and an intimacy between them so my fellow Foundation people from last week (two others and me) felt like the new girls at school ie outsiders.

During Foundation, weighing, etc is over and done with very quickly (particularly when we were down to four) and then we had a DVD to watch; there was a lot to fit into the two hours and our LLC is super efficient and, when I look back, not that much time for chat.

Tonight, there seemed to be a lot more time for chat - before we stared properly - but it was difficult because we don't know each other.

It just felt...strange. The fundamental difference is that we are at different stages; suddenly, we are in the company of women who have had phenomenal weight losses. Up until now, apart from our LLC, I have only known successful LighterLifers through the internet. I had so many questions to ask them; I guess I was a bit star struck (that's the only way I can describe how I felt - I was in awe of their achievements).

We then did the questions that Lesley did in her Development class; here they are:

What colour best describes your personality TODAY and why?

I said blue because I felt apprehensive.

What vehicle best describes how you see yourself TODAY and why?

I said a Ford Fiesta because it was reliable (to be honest, I didn't know what to say).

What style of footwear best describes you today and why?

I said MBT because they are good for walking (and it's what I was wearing).

If you were an animal, bird or fish, what would you be and why?

I said dog simply because I am missing mine so much.

What famous character do you most identify with and why? It could be a fictional character, dead or alive.

I said Oprah Winfrey but purely because I really admire her and think she is truly inspirational and has done such a lot for women (not because she was once bigger!).

We had to interview the person next to us and introduce them to the group with their answers rather than our own.

We then had to introduce ourselves with the following information:

How much weight have you lost with LighterLife?

What was the reason for you choosing LighterLife?

What has been the biggest change for you so far?

I volunteered to go first "to get it over and done with", I said. I started with the weight loss - 3stone3lbs to date (lost a pound this week!) - and then talked about having moved out of London, my eating being out of control, considering Rosemary Conley for their big losses (but doing nothing), feeling depressed, etc.

I then said the biggest difference to me was exceeding my own expectations and then...I started to cry. Where did that come from? I talked about the fact that LighterLife had saved me; I said it wasn't so much about the weight loss right now but the dramatic difference in how I feel mentally. And then I cried some more. I believe I said it had saved me about three times!!

I then felt incredibly embarrassed and vulnerable and...just utterly exposed. I'm documenting it now because I think it is so important to note it.

No one else cried and that compounded my feelings of ... inadequacy and acute embarrassment. (As I read this back, I want to say, get over yourself!)

Fortunately, I was able to walk back with two women from the group (who seemed so different to each other) and apologised for crying. They, of course, were totally lovely and supportive and said they weren't just trying to pacify me with their reassurance. We had a really frank discussion on the tube, which was SUCH an eye opener. They are at a different stage of their journey and I guess I had so many questions, I didn't know where to start.

As I am mindful of respecting everyone's privacy, so I shall make a decision as we go along to see what I write about and what I don't.

The other thing that strikes me - with a bit of physical distance and space from the meeting - is how much pain was in that room. Yes, these people have made dramatic changes - not just to their physical appearance but to the way they live their lives - and they are upbeat and positive but when describing what brought them to LighterLife, it was incredibly sad. Not so much for specific events but the effects that overeating and being overweight had created for them. More than once, I heard the phrase "could not bear to look at myself in the mirror" and more than once people alluded to the fact that they had stopped "living". Well, of course, I know I had stopped "living" too but hearing people talk in this way was...unbelievable - I just haven't been in any situation like that before. (Actually, that's not strictly true but it was for a completely different reason and grief was the trigger.)

But, if I think about it some more, I realise that the pain that I observed is also my own pain, which I am only really beginning to understand and appreciate. The end of Foundation is all about gearing up for the next stage and reaching a milestone; Development is more introspective and uncertain.

I came home feeling really out of sorts but now, having written this, I feel better. I am going to head for bed after having a bath and a hot chocolate. Banana custard can wait!