The Lard Arms

Help!

Someone has posted this on the comments:

"Help! I am on day 77 of LL foundation, have lost 38lbs, just changed jobs and this evening had the WORST lapse. After a headache all day and no sleep last night due to starting new job, I am wondering if these have been contributing factors to the lapse or if I am just making (yet more) excuses
Not sure if it's the positive attention I have got from people in the office, especially those I haven't seen for a while- very flattering, but I have spent my life hiding behind food and eating to excess to stay in the background and keep myself "safe"
Does this ring any bells with anyone- any support, constructive advice would be greatly appreciated???
It feels like a "what's the point- now I have well and truly failed" moment- oh and my counsellor is on holiday, no locum and 3 weeks "Out there" feeling rather weak and sorry for myself
How do I get beyond this moment and pull myself back out of the hole I am meant to be learning to walk around
Thanks in advance"

I don't know about you but when I can give advice, it spurs me on. Please can everyone post some helpful suggestions for this fellow LL'er and I will also suggests she gets straight onto www.minimins.com

My top advice, of course, is get out the Thought Records and get writing!

Have a good day and thanks for top advice re Sunday! I think smaller packages IS the way forward because I finished that tub of cottage cheese because it was neater/tidier. Hello?!?!?!?!?!?!?

BMI Freak Out (3rd May)

I had another freak out moment. Apparently, the latest thinking on BMI is that 18.5-20 is healthy for adult women. NB our LLC said that a BMI of 17 something is borderline anorexic but still, it’s a startling thought!

My weight at BMI 20 is 8 stone 11 – a weight I may have been as a child and that’s it. Bearing that in mind, WHAT will it be at 18.5? 8 stone3lbs (just checked) At BMI 25, it’s 11 stone on the nose so that’s one stone away, which is achievable.

I am desperately trying to have a balanced view here. But judging by my size now, I know I won’t be happy at 11 stone.

Another thing that our LLC said us that we should try to go all the way as stopping before we have, makes it doubly hard to start again.

She also said – in relation to someone defecting to CD – was that this was when crooked thinking kicks in big time. And we must be aware.

I said that I thought the mental side was getting harder. What was interesting was that she said you think you are hungrier but you are not. You have all the nutrition you need. You think you are bored by the flavours but foodpacks are just that – nutrition.

The slimmest girls in the group are also losing weight at a slower rate now and that worries me. Physically, I am not sure I could do another two months on Development and then three months on Management. It’s not the foodpacks – it’s the logistics of being in abstinence for even longer – the practicalities. The thing is I really want to stick with my LLC – I like her manner and approach. I’d LIKE to see it through to the end with her. I know it won’t be like Weight Watchers, Rosemary Conley or Slimmer’s World where you get to goal and everyone cheers – not that I’d EVER managed that – but I know people who have!

The other thing she talked about is finding a weight that you are happy with and that you can MAINTAIN. This is more of the unknown.

I don’t know what my final weight will be – 8’11 seems beyond comprehension to be honest. I can’t even imagine what I’ll be like and what I will and won’t be eating to maintain that weight.

Rationally I know that I can’t agonise about it – that will get me nowhere. Emotionally, I am feeling all over the place. Also I realise that I am feeling incredibly vulnerable. I saw a lovely friend today but now that’s another person who knows.

I feel the more who know, the less chance I have of success – an inverse relationship. I think it’s because – in the past – I've gone public, got support and then put on all the weight or given up or…or…or.

This time I want to keep it as private possible (living in a different location helps) so that I can just get on with it without being distracted by people, their questions, etc etc. I guess I am also putting off the feelings of deprivation that I anticipate I will feel if I socialise with friends (because I can't have what they are having).

Am I lucky that being removed allows me to stay on track or am I setting myself up for a big fall when I enter the real world of friends and loved ones and suddenly can't cope?

When in Doubt....

Go to bed!

It has been another long day (started work at 06.30am and finished around ... now). And there are still a few chores to complete.

I have pre-TOTM hunger pangs and pains like no other and as I had the last of my packs several hours ago, I am acknowledging the tiredness and going off to bed. My aim is to be asleep by 8.30pm. Ah, my husband has just arrived and needs help with some work stuff. So that will be 9.30pm instead.

I have stuck to foodpacks only so I am back on the straight and narrow. I am extremely bloated and put on a couple of pounds but I know this is "hormonal". Well, I HOPE it is otherwise I am going to be extremely worried that half a wrap and some snacks can make me gain THAT much in a few days. It would be like the time I finished the Scarsdale Diet when I was a teenager; we went to a friend's house for dinner and I put on several pounds by the next day!

Right now, I feel like I need to consume a bottle of Aquaban (the enemy of water retention) to sort myself out! Of course, I won't!

Goodnight everyone and FULL updates (that were promised on Sunday) will be written tomorrow.

Size Matters

Very recently I talked about being smaller and feeling vulnerable. Someone emailed me ([email protected]) to talk about their own experience of being bigger and smaller and the effects it has had on them. I thought what they wrote was so interesting that I have decided to post it here (with their permission):

“I was really fascinated by the points you made in your blog yesterday a) about not recognising yourself and b) about feeling vulnerable.

“As for feeling vulnerable, I think if you’ve always been bigger than you should be, you do feel vulnerable when you peel off the pounds. When I got down to 9st12oz (yes, I was that weight once...) at Weight Watchers, a friend put their arms round me and said “But you’re so little!” And I did feel ‘little’ and quite fragile.

“This is a strange sensation when you’ve always been seen as a (big) strong woman! Or been regarded as strong simply because you are big. When you are big, people never assume that you are scared or vulnerable or quaking inside. (And, of course, you’ve psyched yourself into thinking you have to be a strong woman. Well, we are strong in lots of ways but we have chinks in the armour.) And, needless to say, like many big people who become smaller, I hadn’t got a clue how to do – and indeed didn’t want to do - the ‘helpless little woman’ routine, which is what people seemed to expect!!! (Still don’t have clue in fact.)

“So, the challenge is how to be slim, remain comfortably strong and avoid behaving like a ditsy airhead! (Ooh, silly me, could you just show me once more how to change a light bulb?)”

What do other people think? Has this been your experience?

I have always had weight “issues” and my weight yo-yo’d, particularly when I was a manager. Sometimes I was assertive, sometimes I wasn’t. At my very biggest, I had been roped in to “manage” a friend’s wedding on the day ie make sure that what needed to happen…happened. I wasn’t a bridesmaid or Maid of Honour (or even Matron of Honour) so I was ‘free’ to oversee arrangements. She asked me because, she said, “I don’t trust anyone else to do it”.

I had to hassle the staff constantly throughout the day and, yes, people did think I was someone who couldn’t be messed with. Was it my size? Did my size help me to feel ‘stronger’? I don’t know although, ironically, I had agonised for months about what I would wear at this wedding. I bought Emma Hope shoes (so, so, so expensive) but had to wear a black tent because nothing else fitted. I don't remember feeling invincible - just a big fat failure, particularly on the clothes front.

Being busy at the wedding and telling people what to do made me feel ‘in charge’ and having a role or purpose did make me feel slightly more in control. With hindsight, it made me feel less distressed about just how big I had got – it was the perfect distraction. And interestingly, I am not in any of the wedding photos apart from the group one.

Lots of people would say I was a confident person but it’s a false confidence.

Pre-LighterLife, I used to hope that I would NOT be the biggest woman in the room but secretly know that I probably would be. Whenever I arrived somewhere, I would scan a room and suss everyone else out and then I let the situation dictate how I would feel. And yes, I think I grew into the role of the strong, big woman – cracking jokes about my size, etc. Looking back now, I think I had just got so used to blocking out how I really felt, that it became a habit. A habit so ingrained, I didn't even have to think about it consciously.

I feel vulnerable now because I feel more visible yet, ironically, I am less visible! My current size does not mean that I stand out as much. I remember reading comments by larger women saying how much they wanted to hide away in the corner but how their size made them more visible than ever. That was me.

But suddenly I don’t have a “role” to play; I don’t know how to be … me.

It was the same when I stopped being vegetarian; I remember exclaiming to my best friend, “But being vegetarian is who I am!”

Does anyone else feel like this? (Not about stopping being vegetarian but about being smaller.)

Goodness me, soon I’ll be saying “I don’t know who I am”! Enough already!

Ooooh, What's Gone Wrong?

It's been a rocky few days - food-wise. Is that why I haven't posted? Not at all, it's just been so busy. And that's the problem.

On Friday evening, after having a really good day - I suddenly went into meltdown. My husband was going to be really late and instead of being sensible and saying, ok, well I am going straight to bed and we'll catch up tomorrow, I felt bad because he was saying how much he missed me and could I stay up and wait for him to come home. And could I put the oven on for him (for another ready meal)? The thing is, I know this new job is really taking it out of him and so I did stay up and asked him to make sure he brought some crisps home. I know, I know - this is BEYOND crooked thinking - encouraging someone else to help me ditch the diet.

As it was, I went to bed but took the laptop and then got up when my husband came home when I did indeed tuck into the crisps. BUT I didn't eat the whole packet (I can imagine the shock and frustration in my fellow bloggers!); if I ate a third of the packet, it would be a pretty generous estimate. But, yes, readers, I did indeed enjoy every moment of the Walkers Salt and Vinegar crisps.

Why? Because I was tired and when I'm tired all rational thinking goes out of the window. How many times must I learn this lesson?!

The next day was the sort of Saturday my husband and I really hate - he had work to do and I had to, finally, tackle the paperwork. I'm not talking about an in-tray's worth - I had at least four HUGE plastic boxes full of paper - in no particular order. It's stuff that I haven't sorted since before the move and that I have just piled into box, after box, to clear the floor in the office. It's a mixture of work and personal stuff. Ironically, at my new work, my desk is immaculate but do I treat myself/my home office with the same organisation? Of course not! A self-esteem issue, methinks!

There was no getting away from tackling this problem; we move out in two weeks' time and I am leaving the two metal filing cabinets here (leftover from running my business at home) but that's it. The house will be emptied and put into storage. I need to prioritise what goes away for 3 - 4 months, what comes with us to the B&B and what stays here, possibly inaccessible as the house becomes a building site.

In the past, I would have done ANYTHING to avoid this paperwork because it felt so overwhelming; eaten, gone out, stayed in but avoided the paperwork, watched TV, read - you name it, I would have done it - but the guilt would have made me feel super anxious. So I probably would have eaten some more - just to help me get through the monumental task. When I had a team (at work), they used to laugh at me as I struggled with a clean desk policy; I used to sweep everything into the desk drawer - just to hide it! Organised administration has never been a strong point - ideas come more easily - but a logical, methodical approach? Forget it.

So I started yesterday and it was all going well. Then I had a cup of coffee (with milk). All fine. Then I had a bar. Again, all fine. I was working through the boxes. OK, the milk was not allowed unless your LLC has given you the go-ahead during "milk week", which our LLC has not mentioned at all. Then, as I kept taking mini-breaks from the admin', I decided to do a thought record. It helped...for a while. I also did some surfing. And then I gave up because I had to go out for my acupuncture appointment.

When I came home, the FA cup final was on - hubby was watching it - and he wanted us to watch it together. Before we were a couple - when we were "just friends", we watched the FA cup final, sitting - very chastely - on the same sofa but apart! We laugh at it now! Anyway, what did I do? I felt guilty about the house being a complete tip, felt guilty about the unfinished paperwork and slightly annoyed that my husband hadn't washed up so I went into the kitchen and busied myself doing chores. Remember, I am NOT a domestic goddess. So, what was that about?

My husband had lots of snacks in the house (which he asked me to buy him). Whilst watching the footie, he munched his way through Hula Hoops and Haribo sweets and...I joined in. I know, I don't even eat Haribo sweets because they are not vegetarian! I had about 8 sweets and about half a packet (if that) of Hula Hoops in total. I just couldn't seem to stop myself (I know, with hindsight, of course I could!) but you know what I mean....

I didn't go mad - I could have eaten a whole packet but .... but I went out of abstinence. Again.

And then, in the evening, we went to our local and I saw someone who I haven't seen for at least 8 weeks. She commented immediately on my weight loss (she's been both big and small) and so we chatted about LighterLife and diets but I didn't go into detail beyond the food side of things.

When she left, I started to eat my husband's dry roasted peanuts. I probably had about five nuts in total but...again, I have been in that pub loads of times since doing LighterLife and NOT touched anything.

What the hell was going on?

Two things, I think - I was still tired (we got woken up at 6 am yesterday -not good) and instead of congratulating myself for starting the administration, I felt bad that I hadn't finished. In fact, I was very angry with myself for letting things get so bad...Sounds familiar? It's exactly the same feelings I had about my weight. "How had it come to this?!?!!?", I just said to myself, over and over again.

And then, instead of relaxing with my husband and spending precious time with him - in a nostalgic way - I felt guilty about the house and felt I should be doing housework (no pressure from my husband) and so I didn't do either thing with any joy. I know the peanuts in the bar were all about eating earlier (punishing myself by eating more) and just generally having a crap day.

If I'm honest, I am also finding the comments about my size slightly disarming. They ARE good, they ARE meant well but...for someone who doesn't really like attention, this is new, unchartered territory. I make myself say 'thank you' for the compliments and last night even made a joke about saying accepting compliments but...even so, I felt uncomfortable.

We soon left the pub because I told my husband I just needed to get home and go to bed or at least remove myself from food.

I can even hear the comments "STAY AWAY FROM THE CRISPS" that were posted on this blog!

Sadly, the hormones are playing up right now and I am genuinely more hungry again (this has been a pattern during LL and TOTM), have abdominal cramps and feel tired. It's not a happy combination.

Today has been better; I cooked for our friend and my husband - no problem. But when they went out to take her back to the station, I ate some of ciabatta bread that was left over. Well, I didn't exactly eat it, I chewed it and then spat it out. This bread has been in our freezer since I started LighterLife and I haven't been tempted. If I had thrown it out when I cleared the plates, that would have been better. But I left it on the side and when I walked past, I thought, ooh, there it is, must have some.

I think this is the worst weekend I have had at home; it's not a major binge - far from it - but it's problematic enough to make me question what is going on.

I am anxious about the house (the cost, the logistics, the thought of living in a B&B for three months), I am anxious about the IVF (can we go ahead? what will happen? blah blah blah), I am anxious about my husband working away (he hasn't got an assignment yet) and I am extremely tired after a very long week. I am missing my dog and I am anxious about work.

This isn't to make excuses but after having such a fantastic result on Wednesday, I don't seem to have been able to follow it up with being kind to myself (by staying abstinent). I am worried that the self-sabotaging behaviour is kicking in, particularly after crossing the 3 stone barrier which, psychologically, was of monumental importance to me.

In fact, instead of feeling proud of myself, I just feel ... pretty rubbish.

What's gone wrong?

Harley Street, Here I Come

Today was a long time coming, in many ways - nearly half a decade since I was first told "you may never have children". I was going to find out if IVF was going to be a possibility for us, as a last chance option. But even if I got the all clear today, it was only half the story and we will still need other tests. But half way there is further than ... where have been until now.

I tried to keep really calm and had given myself lots of time to get to the clinic. I rang them in advance to see if my appointment might be delayed (it was last time) and was told it might be but it might not be and I should, therefore, get there on time.

I put my foodpacks out, ready to take them and only when I got on the train, did I realise I had forgotten them. Before leaving where I live, I had several errands to do around the town, which were making me feel anxious (work-related). I think I need to write down essential items for being away from home all day - when in abstinence. Having survived a whole day before (without eating), I thought I would be ok and wouldn't automatically assume I needed to eat, just because I didn't have my packs. That lack of panic...is progress. (Last time I ate at the station...just in case!)

I walked to Harley Street and stopped in Marks & Spencer en route; this time, the shopphobe managed quite well! Normally, I would feel very anxious in a clothes shop but I looked at the merchandise and thought, wow, shopping might be fun. It might not be so scary anymore. Of course, I didn't buy anything - that would be a step too far - but at least I ventured in and didn't freak out! I did have to keep breathing. Slowly.

I then walked to Marylebone and past a very famous beauty salon; I thought, aha, I know how I can reward myself (for the weight loss), I'll have my eyebrows done. As I walked in, the editor of Vogue walked out! This, I realise, is how food addicts can celebrate their successes; by doing something different and that's FOR them! Of course, the salon didn't have an appointment that fitted in with my schedule but at least I walked in and enquired.

Then I got to Harley Street.

My experience, to date, of infertility clinics has been mixed but one thing is sure - eye contact is absolutely not a feature of any waiting room. There were several women already sitting there and when I walked in, everyone averted their gaze. And it stayed like that for ages because I had to wait a LONG time! I tried to smile at people but to no avail. Since most of us were on our own, surely a connection with someone else would have made a difference? What happened to sisterhood?

The appointment went well - better than the doctor expected, I think because he repeated - "ok -considering your age"!!! But then I was asked to wait - to discuss the results. An hour later, I had a one minute chat with a nurse who didn't tell me anything new and who was so patronising about the diet, I wanted to smack her. I was so tired (fell asleep in the waiting room) and so cross about being kept there for so long for ... in my eyes, nothing. I left feeling thoroughly wound up. What a poor service coupled with an obviously mismanaged system! Fortunately, my friend was still free and so I walked round to her office, vented my spleen and felt a whole lot better. Food-wise, I had been fine; I drank water all day and then had a cup of tea at the office. No food passed my lips!

I then made my way up to North London for my other appointment; I was starting to feel hungry but not desperate. I went to M & S and bought a wrap that, should I need something, I could eat it. I thought about salad but it wasn't practical.

After my appointment, I made my way back to the main station where I arranged to meet my husband. We weren't due to get home until about 9pm (8.30pm, if we were lucky). To be honest, I was mildly hungry but I was pretty exhausted. In the end, I ate half the wrap and gave the other half to my husband. I felt full and didn't eat for the rest of the evening. So, apart from my vanilla pack in the morning, that was it. I didn't beat myself up over the wrap; I ate because I was hungry, didn't touch my husband's snacks and....didn't eat when I got back.

The next morning, I wondered whether I should have not eaten anything and waited until I got home; I guess I could have done that but who can say?

Today was yet another personal milestone and if I had been organised enough, I could have stayed completely abstinent. At least I managed 21,000 steps.

LighterLife Updates

We're seeing a friend from London for the first part of today and I am also looking after a Cocker Spaniel (Lesley - immediately thought of you and Shelagh) BUT I shall be doing a thorough update - including session notes from Weeks 11 and 13.

I've also had some fantastic comments - very thought provoking - so I want to respond to those and share them.

I have earmarked a few hours later today while my husband does some more online training for his new job. Gosh we're an exciting couple right now, aren't we?! LOL!

So, it's a glorious day here and I'm looking forward to a Sunday walk by the River and catching up with our friend. When she sees our house, I think she will be amazed at its technicolour glory (thanks to previous owners).

I hope everyone manages to get out and enjoy the sunshine. I'm aiming for 15,000 steps minimum!

Until later. xxxxxxxxxx

Mars U-Turn - Consumer Power or Shrewd Marketing Ploy?

So, Mars has done a u-turn (owned by Masterfoods) and conceded that it can't put animal rennet in its products.

Everyone was up in arms - even meat eaters; there was something distinctly unsavoury about a Bounty bar or Twix containing such ingredients.

There are many, me included, who aren't sure whether this isn't just another example of a large company thinking that it would it dip its toe in the water to gauge customers' reactions IF it changed its offering. Anyway, the Vegetarian Society is seeing this as a consumer victory and Mars can play the "we listen to you" card. It's a win:win situation.

Of course, for me, Mars products aren't going to be a big part of my life in future - not that they were before. They were an occasional treat. Now if it were Walkers - purveyors of fine crisps - threatening to put meat stock in its Ready Salted crisps, I'm afraid I would have been phoning that hotline straightaway. Shame on me - a former member of the Vegetarian Society - but at least I am honest!

Must go now as I've got a LighterLife breakfast to have - suitable for vegetarians and an absolutely guilt-free meal!

Self-Worth and Boundaries

Somewhere, probably amongst all the self-help books I have, is some information about life lessons (that we need to learn) and when we are ready to learn them. There is also that quote, "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you'll always get" ie expecting something different is a bit of a mug's game. In other words, unless you change your behaviour (particularly if it is affecting your life in an adverse way), your circumstances won't change.

For the LighterLifers amongst us, can you remember what prompted you to start? For me, in my heart of hearts, I knew it was time for a change. At last, I finally acknowledged that even if I went to the gym six times a week, adapted my own diet, my eating habits and weight would not change permanently. I didn't have LighterLife in mind when I came to this realisation; I just knew I had to do something.

And I have reached that point again about...something else.

Lesley's comments were absolutely spot on:

It seems to me that a lot of your disbelief at your sucess, your desire not to tell people about the diet and your desire not to "boast" comes from not assigning to yourself your true worth.

In our week 13 session, which I will document separately, we ended up talking about boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Where there are no boundaries, there is no self care. If you are busy saying yes to everyone else (because you are worried about the consequences of saying no), the only person who will end up paying a higher price (mental and physical wellbeing) is you.

I was busy trying to talk this through with one of our group (trying to help her) when, really, I think I need to sort this issue out for myself.

The whole saga with employers 1 and 2 continues. Today employer 2 is back from his vacation and we are going to have to have the money discussion. I met my accountant on Tuesday, which was really good and she helped me to see things from a different perspective and I felt a lot better. But that was then and now, just two days on, there have been developments that I am bitterly regretting.

Employer 1 has still not paid me AND has asked me to do some more work, which is going to be so badly paid that I should have (yes, using this language) said sorry, no, I can't do it. Did I say that? Of course, I didn't. I said yes. And I have been put in an awkward situation because I gave them an opportunity to behave well (cash-wise) but all they've done is say "I don't feel right charging you for this but...I am going to. What do you think?" In other words, they have left the decision to me, which is tricky.

The sum involved is not very much BUT the principal is. The problem is, employer 1 has two areas of business and they have now asked me to look at the other area, which is better paid and more in tune with what I used to do. I would like to do this work but I am going to be charging a lot more (relatively) so it's a delicate balance. I feel, in all of this, I have got myself into a very difficult situation; a person with high self worth would not be here! Fact. They would have their boundaries in place and people would know not to cross them.

I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about this; how wrong (in crooked thinking terms) when really I should have been focusing on other matters, particularly yesterday!!

I went online - because I couldn't rest - and found a website called selfesteem4women.com - where you can do a free self-esteem assessment. I scored 44%, which means my "self-esteem is not in good shape and is likely to be having a negative impact on the quality of your life at the moment". Er, yes!

Part of the reason I scaled back my own business was because I had been so busy overservicing my clients (at detriment to myself) that I had run myself into the ground. Before that, when I had a team and big budgets, I did exactly the same. I made myself ill through working so hard. When I left one job, they split the role into two because there was an acknowledgement it was far too much for one person. Yet I had done that role for two years.

Our LLC says that if we do thought records, we will start to see a pattern of recurring thoughts. Well, I am also seeing recurring patterns and I really do want to sort this one out.

Lesley - any tips? Anyone else? What do you suggest for someone who needs to increase their self worth and set some healthy boundaries?

There is much to think about. But at least I am not reaching into the fridge for the answers!!!

"You're disappearing before our very eyes"

That is what a neighbour said to me, as I ran across the road, after commenting how well I looked. I just smiled because I couldn't stop to chat. She has only seen me fleetingly but it was such a lovely, lovely moment and made me feel pretty fantastic.