The Lard Arms

Too Busy To Eat?

During the VLCD epic journey that is LighterLife, there have been a few moments when I have said things that have gone against my fundamental/core beliefs and I have prefaced such sentences by saying, "I can't believe that I am about to say this...but".

For example, when I first started LighterLife, I remember thinking, I will be SOOO hungry because how can you go from carb-loading for Britain to four food packs - or space food, as my friend said yesterday when I showed her the packets. BUT I wasn't hungry! Fortunately, my crooked thinking wasn't so resistant at that stage to try to sabotage my efforts. I had to trust the programme and the process and accept that physical hunger was unchartered waters. Before the diet, I rarely allowed myself to experience physical hunger because I was too busy snacking trying to suppress ANY feeling.

Another phrase I found very strange saying was, "it's not about the food"! But as I have continued with LighterLife, that's exactly what I found to be the case.

And yesterday, when my husband came back at 9.30pm and I was still working, I said "I haven't eaten since breakfast...I've been too busy to eat!" My husband reminded me that when he used to say that to me, I would challenge him because it really was beyond my comprehension that anybody could be too busy to eat! Particularly my husband, who is a big guy (v.tall, etc). We had a very quick exchange about it and I explained that yesterday's schedule was one meeting after another with no time to stop in between. So I was faced with the situation of having to have three packs (meals) at one sitting where I had chicken soup, strawberry mousse (new flavour) with banana custard.

I believe that this is a first for me - recently I have found myself, on more than occasion, fearing that I might not get through a day because I would have eaten most of my packs by the afternoon.

At least I drank my water, yesterday! At the moment, we are both (hubby and me) doing long hours - getting up before 6am and not finishing work/house stuff until 10.30pm, getting to bed for 11 but then having update conversations until nearly midnight. This is not good but it should even out when I finish my short-term contract at the weekend (Sunday) and if new job settles down.

I haven't even had time to acknowledge the comments on this blog or check everyone else's progress. (Sorry!)

Today, I am doing two separate jobs before heading off to London for my week 13 session. All I know is that we will be having our photographs taken and our LLC mentioned last week to wear something nice! That will be a challenge with my one pair of jeans, which is all I am wearing at the moment (unless they are in the wash)!

It will be another long day so I must be organised. Before LighterLife, I would not have even considered my eating strategy for the day. I would have woken up and run through what I was likely to eat during the day - like a conveyor belt full of food passing before my eyes - without giving any real thought to whether I would be hungry or not. There would be no delayed gratification because I would have pre-empted any "hungry" moments with my "just in case" moments, which means eating, irrespective of hunger. Prevention is better than cure and all that was how I used to justify such behaviour to myself.

This morning, as I type this, I realise that if I stick to eating when I am genuinely hungry, I can't predict when that will be so I need to be flexible and be ready for those situations.

What I find amazing is that yesterday, I was too busy to eat. I am not knocking it - just delighted that it happened because it's proof that I can work really hard without needing to reach out for food to get me through.

Incredible!

So Long, Mars, Snickers, Galaxy, Twix, Bounty, Milky Way, Maltesers and Minstrels, It's Been Nice Knowing You

So, Masterfoods have shot themselves in the foot and been caught out by NOT advising their customers that their products - Mars bars, Planets, Snickers, Galaxy, Twix, Bounty, Milky Way, Maltesers and Minstrels - will now contain animal rennet (produced from the lining of a new-born calf's stomach).

Here's the lowdown on the story:

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23396142-details/Veggies+vow+to+boycott+Mars+bars/article.do

Apparently,"any bar with a 'best before' date after October 1 this year is now no longer classed as vegetarian".

So, that's that! By the time I come out of Management, October 1 will be long gone and my relationship with Mars will be over. While I am no longer a vegetarian and however compulsively I eat, there will be no more tins of Celebrations! at Christmas (always our favourite). Or Mars Ice Creams on a summer's day. I probably ate two a year!

And it's not just vegetarians who will boycott Mars; strict Muslims will also give the choccies a wide berth (I heard an interview on Radio Five Live). But the sweets are still considered Kosher.

It will be interesting to see how Masterfoods handles this tricky situation; there will be a rush on chocolate, without a doubt and it leaves me wondering whether this was planned. Sadly, this is unlikely because Masterfoods never made a formal announcement. Quite the opposite, in fact. Had some vigilant consumers not checked the ingredients with the company, none of us would ever know.

Of course, with my LighterLife hat on, this is probably good news - now I really can't try a packet of Planets. No bad thing, I guess but it's with a heavy heart that I say goodbye.

Sigh....

I'm on the Seafood Diet

I have always loved this joke: "I'm on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!" Boom boom.

And while I was posting on a forum yesterday, it came to mind because we were discussing our compulsions to eat.

Yes, I am in abstinence - 99% of the time - but there have been a couple of moments when I have eaten something, so fast, even though I was not consciously thinking of any particular foods. For example, when my hubby is tucking in, sometimes I just can't resist. Invariably, it's crisps. I might not even be craving crisps but I have a couple.

What's that about? I've decided to do a thought record on it and be brave enough to post it (see below) although the answer was not what I expected, at all. The impulsive eating usually happens SO quickly that I am not even consciously aware of my thought process. I'm like my Labrador who sees a snack and swipes it! And the funny thing is, this may be food that has been sitting in our kitchen and I haven't touched it for days. Yet there is something about me that is determined and willful...and quick. I don't even have time to argue with myself because, whoops, I've eaten whatever it is already! I've noticed it's not a good habit for me to have, particularly when I do move onto food so I want to sort it out.

So, here's a thought record on the Salt and Vinegar Twists that sat, unopened, in our kitchen for several days but when my husband started eating them, I was like a woman possessed.

What happened?

I ate five twists.

What were my most important thoughts ie hot thoughts?

I want some of them.
I want them now.
It's not fair if he can have them and I can't.
I deserve them
Why should he be able to eat them?
I want to be like everyone else
I want to fit in.

How I felt

Defiant
Hotheaded
Angry
Jealous

(Bear with me, I know we're only talking about five savoury snacks!)

What I did/might have done in the past?

I ate the five twists and didn't care (initially) and I thoroughly enjoyed the taste. I felt guilty and annoyed with myself afterwards.

In the past, I would have eaten many more - perhaps even have had my own packet.

Evidence for Hot Thought

I want to be like everyone else - well, I want to be like some people.

I want to fit in - because fitting in is the easier option.

Evidence Against Hot Thought

Well, there are lots of people that I don't want to be like.

If you fit in, you don't stand out - and my school report said I had a tendency to be "too individualistic". Having fought this urge to be different all my life, I'm beginning to see that being different needn't be a bad thing or a reason for conflict.

More Realistic Thought

Eating crisps is not going to make me "like everyone else". It's my husband's snack and his choice to eat it. I don't need crisps. I can easily conjure up the taste in my mind, should I want to.

How I Feel Now

Calmer and very interested to see if this works in the next few days.

How Might I Behave Now?

Try to stand back - count to 10, if necessary - and wait, try to understand what the feeling is behind the urge to smash and grab some crisps!

I found this a really useful exercise because never in a million years would I have associated the urge to steal my husband's crisps with a desperate need to fit in.

When I was younger, I ate really healthily thanks to my mum but it was too healthy (sorry, M, as she reads this blog!)! I didn't want to have the healthy packed lunch that was different to everyone else; I wanted to eat things that other kids ate. But we didn't (apart from Saturday evening). Of course, I was lucky that I did have a super healthy mother (way ahead of her time) but as a child, you want to fit in. And with divorced parents at a very strict Catholic junior school, I was already very different. It's funny to think that having separated parents is the norm now but when I was growing up, it really wasn't. There was a genuine stigma, particularly as I joined the school quite late due to the change in our circumstances.

It also reminds me of the love affair I had with white bread as soon as I was an adult, particularly Sunblest or Mother's Pride (does that still exist)? It was the one thing we didn't have in the house - we had healthy brown bread - and it's the same situation. Because it was forbidden, I wanted it more. It was the same with sweets, although I grew out of my chocolate fixation as an adult.

Of course, my mother will read this and feel guilty! No need. As she always likes to quote to me - in a joking way, mothers are always wrong and once you've accepted that, you can get on with being a parent!

I'm not sure if I have made any sense at all or whether my fellow bloggers think I'm barking. I just hope it helps someone, somewhere. And thought records...rock!

Set Point Theory

A very quick post - sorry no time to reply individually right now - but THANK YOU for such lovely comments this weekend. Really appreciate it.

Basically, I must put all the washing away before my husband gets back, otherwise he will know I have been doing some surfing...when I should have been doing project management/budget files OR trying to impose some order before we move! Sadly, my domestic skills leave a lot to be desired, as was confirmed this weekend. While my husband was sorting some paperwork, he found my old school report when I was at a convent (early secondary school). I got C+ for needlework and B- for housecraft!!! That made him laugh out loud for ages - I could hear him in the office, chuckling away.

Anyway, the book I read was one of many (a bit like the diets) but it MIGHT be one of these; sadly, I don't have them anymore. Gave them to charity - not because I had it cracked but I think because I thought...I can't do it. The other thing to say is that it would have been at least 10 years ago. Whoops!

I think it's the first one but I am really not sure, sorry:

Overcoming Overeating (Paperback)
by Jane R. Hirschmann (Author), Carol H. Hunter (Author),

Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating (Paperback)
by Geneen Roth (Author)

And for details on the Set Point Theory, to which I added my own interpretation, I realise, here's a link that I found:

http://www.region.peel.on.ca/health/commhlth/bodyimg/setpt.htm#1

While I was thinking about weight this weekend, I vaguely remember this theory. Clearly, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Part of the reason for my writing this blog was to document how I felt as the diet went along. I have read so many diet books/success stories that seem to miss out certain key points, that I was left wondering "why did that happen?", "how did they do this or that?" or "how did they feel?" at critical points in their weight loss journey.

Well, I've reached a critical point in the LighterLife journey. To be honest, up until now, I have felt (experienced) the emotional changes (I've been aware that they were happening and felt them) but the physical changes have been a whole different ball game. Rationally, I have known I am losing weight and there have been some weight milestones - reaching my "operation weight" and then reaching the 12 stone zone because ... I was suddenly in weight loss mode (anything above 13 stone I considered getting back to where I had given up before). So these, in a way, have been more emotional milestones than physical ones because I really haven't felt the differences in my body. I know that sounds mad but I genuinely did not feel that different.

But in the past 48 hours, changes have been afoot! Yes, they have. Suddenly - and it really has been quite sudden - I am aware and I can feel that I am losing weight. This is a first for me.

And I can see the difference too - in the mirror. Again, up until now, I could see changes in my body, in the mirror, but these changes weren't registering at any deep level. Maybe this is part of the reason I found comments on my weight loss unsettling. It didn't fit with what I was feeling.

This weekend I can see tangible proof that this diet is working and I am beginning to look different. This is also very bizarre because when I look in the mirror, I KNOW it's me but...I don't recognise myself. That is a very spooky feeling! I took a couple of photos of myself, not to be vain but to check out the theory. Did I really look different?! I haven't done any comparisons yet...

Also, in our bathroom, we only have a small mirror so I can only see my top half but I can see...bones and shoulders rather than looking oval shaped. Again, very, very strange. I am beginning to see a body that I don't recognise.

We have a full length mirror outside our bedroom and although I look at it every day, I haven't taken in the changes. That's different now too; I can see my body changing.

I remember years ago reading a book about compulsive eating (read the book, did nothing about it) and it talked about set points, ie we all have our own set points on the scales where a relatively small difference of one or two pounds can look dramatically different on the person. Well, I think I've reached a set point.

According to my scales, I am only two pounds (three at most) lighter than last week but the difference - physically - is quite marked. Well, I think it is. I feel as if I have lost more than the two pounds.

Last week in my LighterLife session, I tried to explain to everyone that I felt more vulnerable because I was smaller. I'm beginning to wonder, as I type this, whether it was just discomfort with feeling at odds with what people were saying to me. For readers of the blog, you know I have kept myself very quiet while I did LighterLife but then, in one week, I saw several close friends...and my secret was out! They commented on my weight loss - at some point - but, but, but...I didn't feel it.

Tomorrow I am seeing one of my oldest friends and I am nervous. Do other people feel like this? I know she will be thrilled for me and she will want to know all about the diet but...I am nervous about telling people about the nuts and bolts of the diet.

I guess I am worried about being judged, I worry that by being more public, it will stop working for me (by being a hermit, it HAS worked so if I go public, will it be like Samson and his hair...the power disappears). These are not obsessional thoughts that occupy me all day; they come up, fleetingly, particularly when I write.

When you are on LighterLife, you are making a statement. And a fairly strong statement at that. In a way, it's like being vegetarian (which I was for almost 20 years) - I never had any views about other people's eating habits (I married a confirmed meat eater!) - but at social events, my diet (as in being vegetarian) ALWAYS came up in conversation. I had to justify why I was vegetarian and, to be honest, I absolutely hated this scenario. And I guess that is why I have been so secretive about LighterLife - I just haven't wanted to face such close scrutiny.

Anyway, this was meant to be a quick post as it's Monday morning and my to do list is longer than my arm. Even my husband acknowledged we have a lot to do in the next two weeks.

So, I wish everyone a good start to the week. Just think back to how many diets you started on a Monday morning; I know I did. But this is very different - in a good way. You just get on with eating the packs, drinking the water (6 litres versus 4 is better for my skin although only managed 4 yesterday) and...walking or whatever exercise you do. I have still got to venture into the gym but that's for another post.

For the changephobe that I am, I feel remarkably chipper! Happy Monday! xxx

Home-Made Cakes and a Sweet Tooth

With this week having been so busy, I don't think I really talked about food and how I coped with everything that's going on. And for my own sake, I want to document it!

The first evening hubby was late (his first day at the office!), I was tired, emotional and found coping with the diet - at that critical time (evening) - really hard.

But by the next day, I was fine. In fact, I went the other way and I was too busy to eat. Hello!!! I don't ever remember THAT happening in my life. In the past, if I was too busy, I often used to make sure I ate...just in case I wouldn't be able to eat later. It was a bit like my travelling eating - doing it out of panic, just in case something happened. Not rational behaviour but well and truly mastered!

Anyway, one of my new neighbours - don't know them - put a note through my door, announcing a coffee morning in aid of Breast Cancer Research. Before LighterLife, I can guarantee I would have thought about it, wanted to go but, in the end, NOT gone. I would have found some excuse - too busy, not enough time, blah blah blah - and then obsessed about how I SHOULD HAVE gone.

So THIS time, even though I was genuinely stretched, I was determined to go! And I'm so glad I did, for all sorts of reasons but since this post is about food, I'll stick to that for now.

I have never been to a charity coffee morning before so I wasn't sure what to expect. When I went into the house, the dining table was laid out with a huge selection of home-made cakes. Now cakes really aren't my thing...unless they are home-made. I said how absolutely gorgeous they were and explained that I wasn't having cake at the moment but could I take something for my husband. I had one cup of coffee (with milk) and that was all. I took a piece home for hubby (a huge slab of coffee and walnut cake with three layers), put it in the fridge and then left the house.

I had to go to my LighterLife session, which is a marathon effort because it takes up most of the afernoon and most of the evening. But it really is worth it. I realised as I was rushing for the train that I had forgotten to have lunch and forgotten to take anything for the journey. However, I knew I could pick up a bar at my class so stopped worrying. Again, this is new behaviour; when I have been in this position before (going to London, having forgotten my packs), I have worried and thought, well, I'll have to eat something...just in case. Even if it's a cup of tea (with milk).

I drank peppermint tea on the train (am maintaining THAT habit whilst travelling, which is v.good) and lasted until the class where I ate my nut bar!

The cake stayed in the fridge until Friday night so I saw it a few times but wasn't tempted. Again, this is new behaviour. In the past, I would have seen it, thought about it (a lot) and even though I might not be hungry or particularly in the mood for cake, I woudl have eaten it. Just because. When we had our housewarming party, we ended up with a lot of cup cakes. I had planned to give them to either one of our neighbours, both of whom had small children. Did I? Of course, I didn't. Slowly but surely I ate my way through a tin full of cupcakes that I didn't even particularly want. What was that about?!

This week I also started my new job and the first day I stuck to tea (with milk) - I had two cups. If I'm honest, I could have had peppermint tea but I associate starting the day (in an office - even a home office!) with a tea or a coffee. That will be a habit I have to break. Since being on LighterLife, I'd be amazed if I have had more than 20 cups of tea in total - which, considering I was drinking at least 10 every day, is not horrendous.

I didn't eat at work and wasn't tempted. I have also upped my intake of water to 6 litres because this week, one of the other women lost 6lbs after increasing her water. She lost 1lb the week before.

On Friday night (another weak point for me in the past), after juggling my two jobs and my charity work, I tried to work out what was best for me. My husband had said he wanted to go out with me when he got back but I was SOOO tired. I suggested that maybe he shouldn't be going out as he too was absolutely shattered himself. In the end - we spoke several times as he was en route home - he agreed so I ordered him a curry, which he wanted and that they could deliver. I had a bath and didn't eat. I also stayed away from the curry, which is still callling out to me!!!

So, it's been a good week food-wise apart from one thing. I LOVE the new LighterLife flavours - banana and strawberry and have become slightly obsessed about them. I haven't eaten them all in one go BUT I do find myself thinking about them. A lot. Is this bad? Is this crooked thinking? Is this addictive behaviour? I know I sound a bit neurotic BUT I had stopped thinking about food - particularly when I woke up - but those thoughts have come back again and they are all about which LighterLife packs I can have. I used to wake up everyday and think about food. This is not a welcome return and I don't know if it's just co-incidental that it's happening now or it's the packs. The other thing is that I only make them up as a mousse, which is another sweet thing that I love.

I would never have said I had a sweet tooth (although with all the carbs I used to eat, I was obviously packing in the sugar) but recently, I have been having and craving sweet foodpacks. I thought it was just hormonal but now I don't think it is. By now, I would have returned to the savoury packs but my soups remain, largely, untouched.

What is happening?

Challenging Times Ahead

At last it's the weekend! It's been a very long week, even though it was only four (working) days and we both have to work this weekend, which is not so great.

My husband is reeling from his new job - long hours (with a two hour commute each way), lots to take in and the uncertainty of where he will be based in the longer term. We have been passing ships in the night.

I felt fired up by my new part-time job, thought we had got the pay sorted (ie agreed an hourly rate) and then I got an email this morning from my new employer (let's call him employer 1) suggesting a lower rate but with some "incentives". The thing is, I will be invoicing for my time so I don't get any perks or basics like National Insurance, pension provision, holiday pay, sick pay, etc and I will have to pay an accountant. I guess I was a bit shocked to get an email but employer 1 (who I like) is going away for four days next week.

I realise I would get more money by stacking shelves in a supermarket (no disrespect to anyone who does this job - I've done it too but I was a teenager) or by being a cleaner. When I wound down my business (it was too stressful), I needed a break, which I had. And then we moved and I knew that if I took a job locally, I would be taking a pay cut.

I also have to acknowledge that I lost a lot of confidence after running my business and with all the extra weight...well, it was not a happy combination. I'm not as confident as I was (work-wise) but, if I'm honest, I haven't been for years. This has really affected me and my ability to value my skills. We did an exercise during our LighterLife session (will put details on later) and I could see just how far I still have to go to value myself.

This area of work (the new job) is totally new for me and I could learn a lot but even so, I somehow feel peeved. I guess it's because, if I'm honest, I think they have got me on the cheap! At least I have made some progress (ie recognising that I might be worth more). I chose the job because it was near home, minimal stress, very little responsibility and.. convenient for what we've got on in our lives - the rebuild, the infertility investigations/IVF situation, husband's new job, etc.

The other problem is that I am also doing some work (short contract, very low pay but was helping out a new friend here - employer 2) who now thinks that I could do the same for their business. And without having to pay very much! I think I have somehow, by being so friendly and helpful, presented myself as someone who can be used for other people's advantage. When we moved here, we knew no one. And it was really lonely. I used to run my business from home but had a network of friends and neighbours who were close by. Coming here meant starting from scratch all over again. So, I guess, I was desperate (literally!) to make a good impression.

And now I don't know how to handle the situation because I got the job through local contacts and it's all very informal - working from their home, etc. I know employer 1's wife (and I really like her) and she is a close friend of employer 2. This is a small town so relationships are critical and need to be managed carefully!! You can see I've got myself in a mess.

I guess it has soured what I thought was a really exciting opportunity and I don't know how to handle these two situations, particularly since they all know each other.

Mind Games with the Scales

A very quick post because it's another fun-packed day ahead and I shouldn't really be on the laptop at all! Last night I couldn't sleep so spent a lot of time on the net...not so good!

Yesterday was better than expected in many ways; I thought I would be sad and lonely without my husband BUT with my long list of things to do, it wasn't as bad because I was so busy.

Good news; I got the job! I start on...Thursday. It's all a bit last-minute and unknown but it feels the right thing for me. This is why I am now in overdrive because I am juggling my two-week contract, going into London this afternoon for LL (Week 12 session), getting more quotes in for the house (this time removal and storage). At least it will keep me from moping around the house.

By 7pm last night, I was very tired (had been up at 5.45am) and my husband texted me to ask me to get him some stuff from the supermarket, which I did. While I walked there, I suddenly felt really lonely and miserable. When I walked through the supermarket (just Sainsbury's Local so small!), I felt sorry for myself and looked longingly at all the food. I know that if I had gone earlier in the day, it would have been a completely different experience. I would have felt detached, focused and just got on with it.

Early evening used to be a bad time for me - for years - either when I used to get home from work or, once I started to work from home, when I finished for the day. It was when I had worked all day but still had chores to do around the house (sadly, I am no domestic goddess and it's a struggle!) and I had no idea what time my husband would be coming home. And that's when I would eat and then, invariably, eat supper much later with him (hubby). And, hands up, I wasn't snacking on some carrot sticks and salad!

All the time that he was off, I never felt like that yet last night it all started again. This time I didn't raid the fridge, just had an extra cup of Marigold instead. I think I need to do some work here because this pattern of behaviour can't continue, particularly as this is how we are going to be living (if he's not away Monday - Friday) for many years to come. It seems to be a mixture of tiredness and loneliness mixed up, even though I may have seen lots of people in the day.

The other thing that is bothering me (mildly) is the scales. I've written about it before, including yesterday, but they still haven't shifted. Cath and Chris are right - see the bigger picture and/or don't weigh yourself - but I guess part of my monitoring is for the longer term when I am not doing any form of LighterLife. Clothes will be one gauge and the scales will be another. I'm not close to my goal weight yet but obviously a lot closer than I was and this is fantastic but I am worried about maintaining a slimmer figure in the future. I didn't used to weigh myself - particularly when I was much heavier - and because I don't want to go back to those days again, I see weighing myself as a useful tool. It's just that while I am doing LL (to the max), I am looking for something more from the scales, perhaps more than I should be! I admit it, I am looking for weight loss. And when it doesn't happen, it's frustrating. It's not the end of the world and if it wasn't a weigh in day today, I would just be getting on with it but I am more frustrated today about the lack of movement on the scales than I was yesterday. Tomorrow I won't mind - the weigh in will be over.

Of course, the weekly weigh-ins are not as they used to be with any other slimming club. I used to dread them and feel it was going to be a hit or miss affair, while on a VLCD I feel differently. I've really tried hard (if you forget Thursday) to follow it to the letter and, yes, in the great scheme of things, I know at some point, the weight WILL come off. It just might not be today. I also want to lose three stone by the end of Foundation and, at this rate, that is not looking likely. To be honest, there is a sense of trying to get something done by a certain date ie some pressure and that is fuelling my frustration.

I'm not giving up (the old me would have said well, it's not working so I'm not bothering anymore, it's not going to happen ie losing the weight) but it's moments like this that the crooked thinking comes in big time.

Yes, these are the mind games with the scales.

Trim Secrets

As I was falling asleep last night, I heard Michelle Mone (she of Ultimo bra fame) talk about her new business, which makes the weight-loss wonder pill, Trim Secrets (http://www.trimsecrets.com/default.aspx). The secret formula has been devised by celebrity naturopath, Jan de Vries.

The difference in Michelle is..breathtaking - all five stones of it.

I've hit a weight-loss wall - again. I've noticed I have several consecutive days where my weight stays the same, seemingly too stubborn to go any lower. Ultimately, it comes down and the weight loss happens but anyone who thinks that surviving on 600 calories a day will give you lower readings on the scales, every day, is wrong. It just doesn't happen like that. I used to get disheartened (I can't say I'm over the moon about it now) but at least I have to trust that the scales will go down...eventually. I just hope that I see a bigger loss than 2lbs this week, otherwise I will be disappointed, to be honest.

Hope everyone has a good week ahead, now that it's back to work!

"Confessions of a Reformed Dieter"

I bought a book, "Confessions of a Reformed Dieter - How I dropped eight dress sizes and took my life back" by A J Rochester at my local charity shop.

One of my fellow volunteers thought the title said "Failed Dieter" and asked me why I was reading it since it clearly didn't apply to me! I was so gobsmacked, I was almost lost for words (but not quite)!

This is a volunteer whom I don't see very often but she said that I was obviously doing really well and it was noticeable. I was so surprised that she noticed, that she felt able to comment and...well, while my rational brain knows that I have lost weight, I guess I can't believe that other people can see it.

This is, I think, going to be one of the biggest challenges for me - handling the compliments and comments. Part of me is absolutely thrilled that anyone WOULD notice and part of me is scared. I haven't been in this situation before and I am not even near my ideal weight. I am just a lot smaller than I was.

I'm in that funny in-between phase - I know it (I HAVE lost weight) but I can't believe it and I don't know when it's going to hit me either. I catch myself in the mirror and can't believe what I see - I'm still me but...I don't look like me. Or maybe I do and I had just switched off from really seeing myself when I was big. I think I was in so much denial that while I may have looked in the mirror, I wasn't really acknowledging what I was seeing. I think I was switching off every time I saw myself.

My body is changing, the skin is, sadly, not as tight and taut as I would like but while the process of LighterLife continues, I am trying not to worry about the end result. My face has aged (sad but true but NOT as much as Nigel Lawson!) but I look better (so people tell me!) so again, I am trying not to agonise too much.

If anyone has any advice about handling outside feedback, please send it my way!