The Lard Arms

How to...do a Thought Record

I posted this on a forum...it might be helpful - even for new people doing LighterLife - why wait until week 7?!

What is a Thought Record? (In Mrs. Lard’s own words….feel free to adapt to your own words!)

A thought record is a useful tool (it's a process) for finding out WHY you have behaved in a certain way such as bingeing on something when you are in abstinence, getting angry at something but you don't know why or feeling incredibly emotional about something.

When would you use a Thought Record?

I think the major triggers for behaviour requiring a thought record tend to be when we are any of the following:

HALT - hungry, angry/anxious, lonely or tired. For me, being lonely or tired are MASSIVE triggers to overeat/come out of abstinence but it has taken thought records for me to understand where those feelings came from.

Why would you use a Thought Record?

Often, you realise with a thought record (once you've gone through the process) that the REAL trigger for overeating (or any other self-sabotaging behaviour) has nothing to do with what you think it might be. For example, you may think that you eat a bag of crisps because you fancied them and your rebellious child/chatterbox/inner voice told you to eat them "just because". But it may turn out that you were given crisps as a sign of love and you were really feeling unloved at the moment of wanting/eating the crisps but you may not have realised it at that very moment.

I think if you can understand the motives behind your behaviour, you can make lasting change - you can stand back and get into your adult state (very hard when you're in the middle of a binge or about to binge) and recognise that such behaviour isn't going to serve you (well) any more. At one time in your life, it did, but not now.

Have you noticed whilst doing LighterLife that patterns of behaviour keep emerging? For me, tiredness keeps being a trigger but I may not realise just how tired I am. When you feel yourself reaching for the fridge or for the cupboard, that may be the perfect time to do a thought record - it's like an intervention - stopping you in your tracks. Sometimes the urge to overeat/eat the wrong food may be so strong that you'll be in the middle of eating before you can have the presence of mind to say, stop! I need to do a thought record. Even after the event, if you relax when you do the Thought Record, can be equally effective and give you amazing insight.

What are Hot Thoughts?

These are the thoughts that lie at the heart of the matter – these are the ones that feel the most painful but they are not feelings!! See the green book for the difference between thoughts and feelings (p.104).

The Thoughts Record Process

Thought Records cut to the chase. No doubt about it and with that effectiveness comes...being honest with yourself. And that can be painful, emotional - you may rather do a Bush Tucker Trial than face those demons but I promise you if you stay the course, you'll feel liberated.

SO HERE'S THE PROCESS (and remember, ultimately, you could get these down to 5 mins max and in a small notebook because you will get used to identifying feelings very quickly)

What happened?

Keep this to bullet points - short and sweet - NO ESSAYS, particularly if you are in a hurry
Came home from work
Took off my coat and put my bag down
Walked straight into kitchen
Opened fridge
Saw leftovers from last night
Ate them while standing at the fridge door

Write down what happened.

What were my most important thoughts, i.e. Hot Thoughts?

I'm tired
I've had a hard day
I need to eat - NOW
I'll just (check what's in the fridge)
(AS YOU GO THROUGH THIS PROCESS, KEEP ASKING YOURSELF AND THEN WHAT/WHAT ELSE? IT’S LIKE A PROCESS OF ELIMINATION – YOU KEEP ASKING YOURSELF, AND WHAT ELSE, WHAT ELSE, ETC ETC.)
I've had a crap day at work
I deserve a treat
I deserve a treat because no one spoke to me in the afternoon
(KEEP ASKING YOURSELF and WHAT ELSE?...)
I feel judged
I feel afraid (and what else)
No one likes me (that may be your HOT thought) - you'll feel different when you identify the hot thought.)

Underline/highlight your Hot Thought/s

Ask yourself and write down the answer to “How I felt”

Tired (AGAIN, KEEP ASKING YOURSELF and WHAT ELSE?)
Angry
Sad
Determined (AND WHAT ELSE – KEEP DIGGING/PROBING!)
Defiant
Lonely
Afraid
Scared

% (PERCENTAGES OF FEELINGS)

(You can then break those feelings down by percentage but I don't bother with that - by the time you've got to identifying your feelings, you want to make progress and fast)

What I did/might have done in the past

Eaten the leftovers and a loaf of bread/family pack of crisps/gone to the chippy
Ordered a takeaway
Raided the freezer

Write down what you would have done in the past (in this situation).

Evidence for Hot Thought

This is where you have to see whether the hot thought has any validity ie would it stand up in court? In other words, what would your loved ones think about your hot thought (something that you fundamentally believe about yourself)?

If the hot thought is “No one likes me” - ask yourself - what, no one? Not one single person in the world? OK, so the girl in the canteen might not like you. The girls in your class at school may not have liked you. You are basically looking for evidence of how you came to this conclusion - and there WILL be evidence (ie supporting facts that back up your view that people don't like you it's just not clear how many).

Write down the evidence.

Evidence against Hot Thought

This is the opposite so you are trying to prove that the statement (hot thought) – “No one likes me” - isn't actually true. Well, my husband likes me/my best friend likes me/the postman likes me/my team like me...my dog likes me! Whatever/whoever it is, you are trying to stack up the evidence AGAINST such a generalization that couldn't be true.

Write down the evidence. Keep it short.

More realistic thought

If you were to stand back and analyse both sides of the argument, you could probably say ok, some people don't like me but all these people do.

Write down your more realistic thought.

How I feel now

I feel calmer.
Less stressed.
Less afraid.

Write down how you feel now.

How I might behave now

Next time I come in from work after a hard day, I might go straight into my bedroom, change out of my work clothes and have a shower/bath.
I might check my emails.
I might have a glass of water and…wait.

Write down what you might do differently.

And by looking at what you would do differently (and how), you can devise a new, more effective (ie kinder to you!) strategy.

Good luck.
_______________

Post-Week 11 LighterLife Session (2nd May 2007)

Well, what a session that was. I had been meaning to email my LLC about the next stages in terms of which days she runs development and management sessions. And lo and behold the DVD this week looked at what’s next so we were able to discuss this together as a group.

Development is on a Tuesday while Management is on a Wednesday so the very slim women we saw after our first week’s session were on management!

Here’s another thing I didn’t realise – management does not start (like Foundation) at the same time for everyone ie you might be the only one in your management group who is in Week 1. Our LLC assures us that this is fine (there are no DVDs) because everyone ahead of you can share their positive and negative experiences. I think I felt very sad because the people I really had hoped to do development with, can’t do Tuesdays. The other person wasn’t there so I am really hoping that at least she will be with me on the next stage of the journey.

I know it’s all about comfort zones; I am comfortable in my group, I like them and feel safe. But our group is already getting smaller. We lost one person after week 2, another person has had to change her day, one person has disappeared and one person has decided LL is not for her. So with another one absent for the session, we were a tiny group. I also saw how much smaller we all are physically; that is very noticeable.

Another issue that came up today was “goal” weights. Our LLC said that for those of us who don’t know what that is yet, don’t worry. Apparently, we will feel it. Four of us (out of six) have no idea. We’ve never been slim as adults – or at least not for any significant amount of time. The other two know their goal weights; one is discreet about it while the other one likes to tell us all.

I have a real problem with her and I have to admit a problem with slim people – BUT let me explain!

One of my friends was once chunkier than she is now but for the past two years she has been a tiny size 10. (Of course, size 10 is tiny but you know what I mean.) We spoke on the phone this week – she has no idea I have done LighterLife – so for all she knows, I could still be obese! She talked about being unfit and need to get back to the gym – nothing wrong with that – but when she said what a LONG road ahead it is, I just felt really angry. Of course, I said nothing. I wanted to say, look, it’s NOT a long road – you can do it. You’re already further than you think. I also, to be honest, wanted to say “try thinking about having to lose six stone”! I guess I thought the comments about having a long way to go were not very tactful. I no longer have six stones to lose and even when I started LighterLife, I reckoned I had about five to lose (two years ago I had about seven stones to lose) but that was how I felt.

It’s like I find it really hard to listen to slim people complaining about how much they weigh. I guess I have weight envy!!

And yet, as I read about management, it’s clear to me that I may become one of those people, particularly if I get down to a low weight. As someone on the DVD said, suddenly 2 lbs becomes more significant/a bigger issue that 2 stones were when she was bigger!

Is that what the art of successful weight management/maintenance is all about? Focusing on pounds rather than stones? Keeping your eye on the detail so that you don’t get out of control? Am I going to be someone who says “I’ve been really naughty/I’ve really overindulged and I’m going to have to cut back. I’ve put on a couple of pounds.”

I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that.

How Low Do You Go? - Week 11 Lighter Life Session

NB - I am posting these as I write them up from my notes. They will be put into chronological order.

What’s Another Stone? 2nd May

This week the DVD talked about the LighterLifer’s change in attitude; where she might have once thought “what’s another stone?” ie what does another stone matter, she now believes that 2lbs means more than 2 stone. Fascinating!

You can’t change 10 years’ worth of crooked thinking in 10 weeks. Well, that’s true!

And if you’ve been in trouble with food, you look like it (ie your problem is visible for all to see).

Some people have emotional triggers to food but others have physical triggers (to food).

If you follow the Route to Management, you will learn to have control around food, particularly your trigger foods. (I am fascinated by this – at the moment, I don’t feel as if I have any control over them.)

If you go back to your old life – physically – the weight will go back on again.

If you continue through to Management, you will explore new ways of doing things and coping with stress, anxiety and difficult situations.

Ultimately, you will learn to separate the conflict caused by hot thoughts versus balanced thinking. And balanced thinking should win!

Core Beliefs

This topic was covered in Week 8, when I was away in America and although I read the Green Book and have a vague understanding of what they are (it sounds an obvious concept), I need to go back to the book and work through the basics of core beliefs.

How Low Do You Go?

This week we discussed what happens after Foundation.

If you have more weight to lose, you go into Development for however long you need. Our LLC was on foodpacks for 7 months and she has encouraged us to use Development to go as low as we can in one hit (ie get there, see how it feels and decide if it’s the correct weight) BUT for that level to be what feels right for us. LighterLife does not prescribe any goal weights, apparently. We may find that the lowest weight is not sustainable in the long term…but it may be.

Here are some BMI stats of my own:

If I were to have a BMI of 20 (the lower end of the “healthy” range) – I would weigh…8stone 11 (that’s another 3 stone away and I haven’t even lost that amount yet).

BMI 25 – 11 stone (that weight I can think about achieving because I am already in the 11stones range, even if it is at the top end!)

BMI 30 – 13stone 13 lbs

BMI 29 – 12stone 10 lbs.

Hmmm. I am going to have to think about this. Just how low do I go?

Week 14 - Every end is a new beginning

To be honest, I didn’t know what to think about Week 14. I’d done my homework (but not all of it because I haven’t done the exercises from week 13 but they will be done…a bit like my write up of the same session – it’s a work in progress).

As it was, I arrived early – 15 mins – and unlike so many of the sessions where I have to wait outside in the rain, this time I could sit outside in the sunshine and read Grazia magazine, which included the headline, “I went to sleep a size 14 and woke up a size 10”. Obviously I was curious about that particular diet story.

The maximum number of people in our group tonight – the Adios Foundation! group – would have been six. No one is usually late but when there were only two of us for the beginning, I was worried, particularly as the other person with me has already started management.

So, I had my weigh in and it was a big fat zero! Null points for me.

At least I haven’t put on! But after drinking three litres of water this morning, I deliberately stopped an hour before the class so it wouldn’t affect my weight loss. Ha ha.

I so needn’t have worried about that one!

But my LLC was reassuring and said, don’t worry, I am seeing a lot of water retention this week. You will still have lost 3lbs of fat but we’ll see it next week instead of this. The change in weather means…we’re all retaining water! Well, that’s ok then…

I must admit I do feel bloated but had put it down to PMT. I even said to my friend en route that the size 16 jeans were feeling very snug indeed. I was also wearing the same top (Evans, size 18) that I started Foundation in and my friend said was far too big for me. I don’t see it but…more of that later!

Our final group totalled four people. Tonight we got back our before and after shots; in my misguided (or should that read crooked thinking) way, I didn’t expect to see much of a difference. Our LLC handed out the photos, one by one, and gave the person time to digest the contents. The photos were laminated and presented as an achievement certificate; I thought it was such a lovely gesture. Did other people get the same? We got a before and after from the front view and then, on the other side, a side profile before and after shot. My photo was last – we even did the person who wasn’t there before me – and my anxiety levels were rising.

When I saw it, I was shocked. I think I was most shocked about how scruffy I looked because I don’t remember feeling I looked SO bad.

All the photos were dramatic; no two ways about it. Yes, we are all smaller and slimmer and thinner (side profile particularly) but more than anything we all look younger. Years younger.

I have been agonising recently about the appearance of wrinkles on my neck – from my chin to my neck – nice vertical creases; to be honest, I had been feeling sad because I thought…I am looking older. I even managed to catch see Oprah’s special on ageing with Nora Ephron, who’s written a book called I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman. But when I saw the photo, I looked younger – from a distance! In fact, I looked like a different person!!

Even the way we were all standing in Week 1 was different; it seems as if we are all splayed out – arms out to the side but as someone commented that’s because there was a pillow of fat under the arms to make them stick out!!

Everyone was comparing their photos with everyone else’s. It was extraordinary. I don’t know what I felt but I said to my LLC, I feel ashamed and she said that was normal and that we would go through a range of emotions.

When we started, there was a book of success stories (our LLC’s own) and I thought I would never want my photo in there. Even today I thought I wouldn’t give permission if she asked but then I know just how inspirational before and after shots can be and it would be churlish of me not to share. LighterLife has saved my sanity so if someone sees my photos and feels motivated and encouraged, then that is more important than my obsession (and shame) with protecting my identity. It’s all about feeling shame – shame at having got so big and when I started LighterLife I was NOT at my biggest.

I am going to ask my LLC to email me the photos and if there’s a way I can hide my identity, then I will post them! And that’s a promise.

So what of the session? Well, it was very disjointed; initially, my LLC and person 2 discussed management while I read the new magazine. I suggested this because they were talking about non-LL food and I just didn’t want to listen. I was also completing my food order for the week.

Then the others finally arrived and we watched the Men’s DVD (Brian’s video diary, which was fascinating for several reasons) and then our own Week 14 DVD. I had asked about the Men’s DVDs and our LLC is such a good sport that she showed it to us. It really was fascinating!

To be honest, we didn’t pay much attention to the DVD because the photos had taken precedence.

Afterwards, we went through the questions (How was it for you?) and it just goes to show that everyone is different. What I had loved about the programme, someone else hated and vice versa.

We discussed what people got from the programme.

One person said that it had enabled them to ‘feel’. Our LLC said that this was huge. When you overeat, you suppress the feelings. Once the feelings come out, the urge to overeat should reduce. Must check that out.

The others said they had started to feel indifferent to food or at least thought that they could start to say no (or choose to say no as our LLC suggested).

The issue of an LLC’s size came up too; our LLC asked us whether the person’s size would make a difference to us? I had made it very clear that I had chosen our LLC precisely because she had done the programme and lost a lot of weight. But she is not a human hairpin.

One person said they would not be happy with a very large person but I said that it really depended. It would depend on why they were big. If they have got a handle on the food, then they would understand what we were all going through.

One of the other issues that came up was an LLC’s own experience – whether they had done LighterLife for themselves or purely as part of the training (ie they didn’t have a weight problem – or food problem).

From my own research of talking to LLCs before I started, if they’ve done the programme, they have real empathy..

That was the crux of the matter for me. I have no idea what it’s like to be an drug addict– I can be sympathetic but not truly empathetic.

Someone said that because our LLC had gone through the process, at no point could she say to the LLC “You just don’t understand/You just don’t know what I’m going through”.

I thought that was very poignant.

Our LLC said that when groups are tightly-knit, they have a better success rate.

I don’t think our group is tightly knit at all; there certainly isn’t the level of support that I need. I feel closer to my blogging chums and the people on the Minimins forum – even though I haven’t met you. Yet! I feel a closeness there to the online support network that I don’t feel with the group AND even more significantly with my own friends (apart from ‘Mrs Jupiter’, my BF, my mum and my husband).

I guess it’s about interest; even my husband is not that interested in how I am doing this programme. One of the group said that having a partner made a difference ie you could talk to them about it but I was trying to make the point that that is no guarantee. My husband is supportive but he’s not that interested. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care but the level of detail I like to share (and want to share) is too much for him.

How do the others feel about that? If you are in a relationship, are your other halves interested? In the detail? I’d really like to know what it’s like for you all.

Is it a gender thing?

What I noticed about the male video was the lack of shame. He was up front about eating too much and needed to stop that bad habit. It was simple and straightforward in his mind.

Brian was NOT hungry but missing food. Would a woman say that? I’m not so sure that she would see it in such a straightforward way.

Back to our own female DVD, one of the LL founders talked about bingeing (in relation to introducing food that makes us binge in management). She said it is unlikely that if we saw six lettuces in the fridge that we would go for it (in the same way that we might if it as chocolate or chips or other trigger foods). Sadly, she is right. I have never gorged myself senseless on lettuce. Chips – yes, pizza – yes, chocolate – years ago, yes, bread – yes, crisps – don’t even go there!

My LLC doesn’t even eat crisps. Goodness me!

Another comment made was about the availability of the LLC. Funnily enough, it frustrated me early on but once I had found Minimins (for practical solutions) and then the blogs…I didn’t need to wait for answers from my LLC.

BUT what was very interesting was that she talked about the fact that it was all about her NOT being a crutch. We all need to work out how we get the support we need in our lives (beyond LL). Yes, we may go to management meetings (this is my take on it) but the LLC cannot solve our problems. There cannot be a culture of dependency. We need to learn coping strategies – whatever work for us – so that we can live our lives in the future, without being dependent.

It suddenly made sense to me; what was initially an irritation – was actually a benefit in disguise. I know it forced me to look for answers elsewhere.

So, at the end of the session, which didn’t really feel like the end, we said goodbye but three of us will meet next week and the person who has already gone into management – well, there is a good chance that we will see her there. I think the three of us will be out of Development before (her) 12 weeks of management are up.

If anything, what with the zero weight loss, etc – it was a bit of an anti-climax. Last week felt like the end (of part one of the journey).

So next week starts the wonderful world of Development. I don’t know what to expect and maybe that’s no bad thing! Watch this space.

(Chris – our LLC has said repeatedly, every week in fact, that we should (she probably doesn’t say should but you know what I mean) do our homework because people always say they regret it at the end of Foundation. One of our group definitely agreed.

It may be good to get out the green book, even as you follow your own regime. I will definitely be going over some gaps so let’s see what it throws up.)

How was it for you? Preparing for Week 14 Session

I hate endings. Maybe I hate endings because I hate change and I know I hate change because it’s all about the fear of the unknown and since doing LighterLife, I have really seen for myself how much I operate in fear.

I see from the book that tomorrow we’ll be asked the following questions so I decided to prepare in advance:

What did you think was helpful about the programme?

The counselling – exceeded any expectations – beyond my wildest dreams.
The weekly commitment to focus on this.

What didn’t you like about the programme?

The fact that foodpacks are not really portable; the new flavours are a dramatic improvement. But while travelling, you will have lumpy “food”. That has affected me.

What activities did you find most useful?

Week 4 – Ego states
Week 6 – Lifeline Exercise (an eye opener)
Week 7 – Crooked Thinking
Week 8 – Thought Records
Week 12 – Instant Gratification and Mastery

What activities did you find least useful?

Week 2 - Your four selves (Johari Window), Resizing your window panes,
Week 10 – Drama (Game) Triangle
Week 11 – Action Planning and Experiments (may well revisit)

What aspects of the Programme were most challenging?

Getting my head round the fact that I wasn’t hungry.
It was a massive shock – physically – and for the first few weeks I felt really dreadful – no energy, tired and unable to do much beyond ‘exist’.

What do you regret about the last 13 weeks?

That I didn’t have the confidence in myself to believe I could do it.

I don’t regret the times I have eaten because I have learnt from them (or tried to learn from them and understand why they happened). I am hoping that although it may have slowed my weight loss down in the short term, by the time Management happens, I will be more aware.

(In our group, there has been NO mention of breaking abstinence. I don’t know who has and who hasn’t so I am expecting a sharp intake of breath when I say the above sentence!)

What are you taking away from Foundation that is most significant for you?

That I can exceed my own expectations.

The realisation that if I don’t put myself first, no one else will (and be responsible for myself). Maybe I had realised that already but I didn’t have the tools to do it; Foundation has given me the tools and shown me what I need to do to make it work.

Tiredness is the enemy! Of everything! When I am tired, I want to eat – no matter what and the drive to eat is scarily strong.

So, how was it for YOU?

Blown Away

Goodness me, what a hectic 48 hours! I feel as if I have hardly stopped for air.

Anyway, today was week 13 of Foundation and I was really hoping that, somehow, I would hit the magic 3 stones milestone but I was pretty certain that I would be just under. In my heart of hearts, I didn't think it was going to happen. But it was not something I obsessed about.

I was late for my class - our LLC is very strict about time keeping and I could tell she was slightly annoyed - because no sooner had I come in the door than she asked me to complete my week's order. I hadn't even taken my coat off. It's the first time I was late and there were only four of us again, although not the same four as last week. One is back from holiday and the other has gone on holiday. One of us is moving straight to management and the rest of us continue into Development.

So, I stood on the scales (after ketones were checked - you know what I mean) and because the first weight is in kilos, I had no idea what the final figure was. Then it switched to stones and I saw that it said 11stone6lbs, which I immediately calculated to be a total loss of 3 stone 2lbs. Yes, 3 stone, 2 lbs or...44 lbs. I have lost 10 inches off my waist!

OH MY GOD!

I burst into tears, hugged my LLC and she was so lovely and said I thoroughly deserved it. I write this not to boast but just to record what happened because, if I'm honest, I am in shock. This week I have lost 7lbs. Yes, friends, 7lbs!!! Blimey. How did THAT happen?! I think it's my biggest weight loss to date (in one week).

For the first few minutes of the session, I just cried. I was completely overwhelmed. I texted my mum, husband and best friend. I know it sounds silly but I just didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't taking in any of the DVD. I could just hear a voice saying over and over again, in my head, "I don't believe it. I have lost 3stone 2lbs". In fact, although I participated in the session, I really was somewhere else. Quite where, who knows? But somewhere else.

With a bit of distance - geographical and time - I'm wondering what I really felt. I was so gobsmacked. And now, when I think about it, I realise I didn't believe - at the beginning - that I would lose 3 stone by the end of Foundation. So, not only have I done that, I have exceeded that figure. And that is really uncomfortable.

I know you may be thinking, for goodness sake, get over yourself. You've done really well. But the most enormous self-doubt is kicking in. And it really is overwhelming. I've been blown away by something and .... that something is me!

I didn't even write up the notes from the session on the way home; I just sat on the train and stared out of the window. The other thought that crossed my mind was this has happened at just the right time; it's just the boost I need. For once, I have exceeded my own expectations - an unheard of event!

Tomorrow, I am going to Harley Street for a scan to see if I am a suitable candidate for IVF. I am going by myself and I suddenly realised earlier today that I may not be able to cope with the outcome. If the cupboard is bare, as it were, there will be no IVF decisions to make. It will be closed door; our own biological children won't be an option. SO, in my new way of embracing mastery by getting the right support, I tried to think about how I could spend the couple of hours I have between appointments. I remembered that a friend works very close by (to Harley Street) so asked her if she could escape work for a coffee and she sent me such a lovely response. So, I have back up tomorrow and won't have to be on my own after the appointment. This is progress! The old me would have thought, "I HAVE to be by myself at such an important appointment and where can I eat lunch by myself?!" You have to laugh.

Anyway, I want to end on a positive note. My husband had planned to try to get the same train home as me tonight but he missed it. I forgot to take his supper out of the freezer and so he asked me to get him a pizza. Yes, a pizza! Of all the things he could have requested...and of all the nights he chose to eat it! He asked for a pepperoni pizza because "then you won't be tempted to eat it" but, quick as you like, my crooked thinking kicked in and I talked myself into buying him a vegetarian pizza that I could have a sliver of. As I said, this thought was so fast and I was still on the phone to my husband!!

By the time I got home and into our Sainsbury's Local, I headed for the pizzas and thought, if I get a vegetarian pizza, I am not sure I can trust myself. (We'd spent a part of the session talking about the importance of delayed gratification...so it seemed ironic that, here I was, contemplating doing the complete opposite.) BUT I also thought, am I being kind to myself by buying a pizza when that is not what I need right now? That's the first time I have had a "what's good for me" thought.

In the end, I bought the most luxurious pizza - with fancy ham and salami - and bought myself a bottle of sparkling water.

As I walked home, it struck me what the problem was. I wanted to celebrate but, in the past, I would have celebrated...with a drink and/or with some food. And that food - for a true celebration - would have been pizza. NOT Pizza Hut pizza but a wood-fired pizza with aubergine, rocket, chilli oil and the usual tomato base with fresh buffalo mozzarella. Hands up, I am a pizza snob but it's only through extensive research! But now I can't celebrate in that way. Yes, I know with my adult head on, I would be better to say I choose NOT to celebrate in that way but I feel a bit lost and deflated. Even my favourite "pleasures" - reading, having a bath, walking the dog, watching the Sopranos - seemed inadequate ways to celebrate this milestone.

So, the question is - how does an addict celebrate, when their addiction of choice is no longer an option?

Answers please...

Mastery and a Lightbulb Moment

Session 12 also deals with mastery - or mastering delayed gratification when you've probably been operating with instant gratification uppermost in your mind. You know the sort of thing, "I want it now. NOW!". If you have ever eaten in a hurry (regardless of whether you are hungry), with a determination that seemed unstoppable, you'll know what I mean by instant gratification. You may not have enjoyed what you stuffed down (literally) BUT you will have put a stop to whatever feeling you were experiencing and that you didn't like. Eating was a better way to suppress that discomfort and pain than to face up to what was really going on.

One of the exercises was to look at what we had mastered in our own lives ie what had we learnt to do (and were proud of)?

Well, I just sat there and felt uncomfortable. Our LLC talked about learning to walk, talk, drive, etc ie by the time we're adults we've usually mastered lots of things. Rationally, I knew this to be the case but I couldn't write anything down. Emotionally I just felt...crap. And this was in a totally safe environment.

In the end, the woman next to me started to write things down and I copied hers! We even laughed about it and said that I had mastered...copying. But the sad fact of the matter is that I struggled to do this exercise, which shows that I must (no, want to!) work on this area.

We also had to look at HOW we learn to do things ie master them? When I looked at the things that I had mastered (one of them was being a dog owner!), I realised that some things were instinctive but the most successful areas were achieved through practice, practice, practice and....SUPPORT ie not doing something on my own.

This was my lightbulb moment. Why?

Well, at the moment, LighterLife is feeling like one of the best things I have ever done. Yes, I have thrown myself into it (who doesn't?) - I've followed the diet (not 100% but more than ever before), I did a lot of research before I started, I blog, I belong to an online forum - I do all of these things. But why is LighterLife working for me this time in a way that no other diet has? It is, quite simply, down to practice and SUPPORT because I've done lots of different food diets but not lost as much as this. And the online support has made ALL the difference (thank you girls, you know who you are). I am not doing this on my own.

When I do look at the achievements in my life, most of them have not been done in isolation. But before I started LighterLife, I saw having to lose weight as me being on my own, having to deal with it by myself and even if I joined a slimming club (whatever the brand), I'd still be on my own. Even with a class. And since I didn't have any real faith in myself and my ability to lose weight, the weight loss never happened on a sustained basis. Yes, I have lost a couple of stones - through a lot of hard work and pain - but they came back again. Several times over.

So, the upshot of all this navel gazing, is that if I want to master things in the future, I need to practise, practise, practise but I also need to find the right support. In all sorts of contexts, I realise, this can be applied and it's SO liberating. I cried at the end of our session this week because that is how I feel - finally free.

For the majority of my life (yes, food has been an issue since I was very young ie 6 years old), I have been obsessed by food. The emotions may be mixed - happy, sad, indifferent - but it always came back to food. Cutting it out. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating the wrong type. Eating the right type. Eating alone. Eating with others. Every time I ate something, my mind was going into overdrive - even if it was to suppress the volcano of feelings that could erupt at any moment. I just didn't know how to get a handle on it.

But I now realise that a mixture of using and trusting my instinct, practising/repeating what I need to learn and finding the right support is what I have done THIS time and what I will need to do in the future to make things happen, in the right way, for me.

I don't for one minute think that my issues with food have gone away but I do feel a few steps closer to finding a way of existing, without being tormented and tortured by crooked thinking about food.

What weight should I be?

In sessions 11 and 12, the question of "what next?" came up. For me, I know I am going to continue into Development - don't even need to think about it that much.

But the question of what we should weigh (whoops, shouldn't say should!)...try again, the question of what our ideal weight may be depends on a few things.

Our LLC talked about two thresholds - one is looking good to everyone else and the second is the "bath test" ie how you feel about yourself in the bath. I would add that clothes are also a good indicator.

When you are losing weight this fast, people (friends, family, colleagues, etc) can see a difference - it's that much more noticeable. So they comment, positively, because chances are they haven't seen you at this weight for a long time, if at all (as in my husband's case). For some LighterLifers, this may be where they end up.

The bath test is trickier, I believe, because it's not just about how you feel about your weight but it's how you feel about yourself as a person. For me, the bath test is a self-worth test and I wonder if, having lost all the weight, will you see the new you and not like it? I will have stretched skin on my stomach; it's already apparent. I can exercise all I like but stretched skin is stretched skin. Just look at Melanie Griffiths' knees although I think that is more about a woman in denial about her age and poor surgery decisions as a result, to be honest.

Anyway, all of these thoughts just prove how much more of the journey we have to do but I feel upbeat and positive about it, even if I don't yet know which weight will be my bath test weight.

Week 12 Session (PART ONE) and DVD - A Clean Slate with Food

I can't believe we have already had our week 12 session! As I have probably said several times in this blog, whenever I used to read that sort of comment, I used to wonder how it was possible but here I am...feeling exactly the same way.

What is also interesting (I think) is that our group is now down to four women. Four out of...11! And all four of us were there from the beginning. I mention this because it reminds me of when we first started; I did wonder who would last the course and who wouldn't. And I was not certain whether I, myself, would last the distance.

Life happens, of course, which is why our group is diminishing. One person was away for a funeral, one person is having timetable issues, one person had to help a friend (abroad and last minute) and one person is having financial pressures (she texted me afterwards). I wonder if this means they will come back/carry on/give up - who knows? I really, really hope that - having come so far - they will succeed, even if it's not with LighterLife. I've also been in that position where, somehow, one event seems to stop you in your tracks and suddenly losing weight seems far too difficult and complicated. In fact, I have done that more times that I care to remember, particularly with Weight Watchers.

I'm also curious about why people complain about the cost of the sessions. I know, without even looking at my bank balance, that my expenditure on food has fallen through the floor. And we are getting counselling thrown in. I appreciate that some of the LLCs are not as good as others. I know I am really lucky with mine but if you are carrying at least an extra three stone, don't you have to be buying a lot of food?

Anyway, we were ready for the Week 12 DVD.

One of the success stories (sorry, did not note down her name) was interviewed and asked whether she felt different. She replied, "people treat me differently but I am not different". I guess she means the weight loss didn't change who she was fundamentally but because the external her is so different, people will alter their approach.

She talked about dressing being a necessity rather than a joy. Tick. Definitely agree with that. Just like shopping - when you are big - you are restricted. In a way, it's like being a vegetarian a few years ago (which I was); a menu might have one vegetarian option (cheese omelette, mushroom risotto or pasta) and if you didn't like it, tough. Eating out in a restaurant you didn't know was not a joyful occasion because you always were wondering what you might get. Now it's all so different - people genuinely cater for vegetarians.

One of the LL counsellors (on the DVD) talked about how people (ie LighterLifers!) will get lots of comments along the lines of "Look at the new you" but, she warned, it's not a new you...it's the real you who was hidden, not the old you! Does that make sense?

She also stressed how the work had only just begun and the end of Foundation (which is fast approaching) is not the end. Not at all.

This is, she said, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a clean slate with food. Imagine that!!!

The DVD counsellor also added that we might start to enjoy foods that we once shunned ie healthy ones. Well, I always liked 'healthy' foods but I ate too much of them with some unhealthy ones thrown in for good measure.

Once the DVD was over, we also dealt with some other fairly important issues.

My weight loss has been 2lbs a week for two weeks. And I had made a conscious effort (or so I thought) with the water. I asked my counsellor whether it was slowing down now because I was getting smaller (comparatively) and she said...no! If you go by BMI guides, I am still more than a couple of stones over...at least....so that's my theory out of the window.

Even in Development (when you go as low as you can, weight wise) you should still lose 3lbs a week - IF you drink 4 litres minimum and exercise ie you will average a stone a month.

I talked about how much more vulnerable I am feeling - now that I am "smaller" - and whether my old behaviour patterns would start to kick in (ie stop losing weight). It hasn't happened so far (THANK GOODNESS) but I am aware that this is further than I have ever got before. Our LLC said that crooked thinking is always lurking and if we can be aware, we're already ahead of the game. Of course, there is also the pressure of other people telling you to stop losing weight, even if you are still several stones overweight. It's just that, because there IS less of you - compared with before, people will say enough is enough.

We then went on to discuss instant gratification versus delayed gratification and the happy subject of mastery.

I shall save those for a separate post.

Bunny Hopping

It's been a long day, with our Week 11 session tonight.

I've lost 2lbs and I feel a bit overwhelmed by the content of tonight's session so I'll post what I wrote on the train home tomorrow.

I have to be honest...I was disappointed by this week's loss; on my LL Counsellor's scales, I am 12 stone 1 so I have officially lost 2.5 stone so far (two days into my Week 10). Of course, this IS fantastic...but I was hoping for more this week given that I have drunk so much more water and, on the whole, followed the programme. Apparently, this is very common and I am a "bunny hopper" - my weight losses fluctuate so I should see more off next week and it is TOTM.

I think I've also hit a wall, which is a mental rather than physical one. The food has been very "quiet" of late but this week (eg at the service station) it is SHOUTING at me. I see food everywhere and I want to eat it. I wish I were joking. The journey into London today was really hard. One of the station staff was loading a refreshments trolley onto a train and I just felt such desire to eat its contents. The sheer madness of it!!

I did, however, stick to water and mint tea for both journeys, so that is progress. But, I have to be honest, my crooked thinking/resistance/rebellious child - whatever you want to call it - is operating on overtime and I am having a tough time managing it.

Glad everyone else is making good progress; it's good to read some positive blogs!