The Lard Arms

Insanity and Crooked Thinking - For Peridot

There's a quote attributed to Einstein that says something like insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again but expecting different results.

Last week I mentioned my one pound loss and my end of Route to Management session. Now, given that I had been feeling lardy and the last couple of sessions I had attended had equalled a weight gain of several pounds, you would think that I would behave in a different way. And so did I when I left class.

I got to the mainline station early (I left class early so I wouldn't miss my train and my husband- we were travelling back together). I wanted to eat but when I did a mini-thought record in my head, I realised I just wanted the equivalent of a hug and to be warm and cosy. So I managed to buy myself some chicken and vegetable soup, no bread (v.good) and, for the first time ever, a non-food reward - a magazine. That should have been enough.

But being 'good' felt odd. I was at odds with myself. I had also already texted my husband to ask him to get me a chicken wrap, just in case. So when we boarded the train, I didn't need the wrap. But guess what? I ate it anyway. And then later, when we stopped for petrol, I think I ate some crisps. Hello?!?!

Now that IS insane behaviour, all things (including the weight loss) considered. Of course, one chicken wrap is NOT going to equal a weight gain of five stone and that is EXTREME crooked thinking.

But what about all the other times when I have legitimised my food choices, particularly during Route to Management? I wanted to LOSE more weight in Route to Management, not gain it! To me, it's all crooked thinking; I want to lose weight yet I eat food that is not supporting that desire.

Sometimes it's an overwhelming compulsion to eat, sometimes it's a whim. And sometimes, I think, we give ourselves excuses why we must eat a particular meal. It could be social pressure, it could be frustration - you know the voicce that goes...I haven't been out, I deserve a treat, it could be any number of reasons. I remember feeling quite a lot of pressure to eat out in the evening of my birthday - because it WAS my birthday. It was expected. I didn't need that meal, not at all. I realise, with the benefit of hindsight (ha!) that abstinence taught me a very valuable lesson - you can go out and lead a "normal" life - but you have to be prepared for the (social) pressure - well-meaning or otherwise. And you have to prepare yourself mentally to do the right thing for YOU. That takes some resolve, I must say and I didn't have it.

I avoided going out, whenever possible, because I couldn't face the aggravation of explaining my diet (particuarly if it didn't work) and the subsequent spotlight on me. It was too much pressure.

But here's the irony - on Saturday, at the christening, I realised I could have done the whole day in abstinence. It would not have made any difference to my enjoyment of it nor my participation. I was there and that was enough.

When I first contemplated LighterLife, I asked the LLC (whose classes I didn't join) what she would do about eating out. Her response was something like "you have to ask yourself how much you want to lose the weight". At the time, I remember thinking that that was all very well for her etc etc but what about the social stigma of being the lardiest person at the table, presenting a sachet for lunch?!

Perhaps that was my crooked thinking; I don't know. But what I do know - now - is that she was probably right! And it pains me to say it.

Sometimes, however hard we say we WANT to do something, crooked thinking DOES get in the way. And it seems so rational, so logical that we argue ourselves out of doing what we really want to do. I know it sounds mad to say that I didn't want to eat that chicken wrap last week but it's true. I didn't. But there was some part of my brain that convinced me I did.

For those of you who are still in abstinence and are wondering which meals you should have over Christmas, ask yourself are they really worth it? Really and truly? What's more important? Getting yourself to the weight you want to be or the enjoyment of a meal and the mental toture that goes with it, before and afterwards?

And that leads me to another thought....

Creep

"You know, from reading your posts one might think that you'd slapped a load of weight on during RTM..."

That was part of one of Lesley's comments (along with very very encouraging words so it wasn't negative!) to a recent post about my vital statistics after 13 weeks on Route to Management (done my way, of course). Funnily enough, I had felt the same; I thought I had put on MUCH more weight, too. I certainly felt it physically.

Since Wednesday the scales are showing a 3lb gain so it's either creeping on or it's a seasonal fluctuation!

The reason that I feel, very strongly, that LighterLife Route to Management and I are not done are definitely because I didn't do it "perfectly" (just like Lesley) BUT, also, because I am so conscious that some habits just have not gone away at all. They have been hibernating nicely and are now wide awake.

Yesterday was a reallly good example because there was very little that I ate and actually enjoyed. Yet, intake-wise, I know it would have been high on fat, sugar and calories. I am not calorie counting - maybe I should?

I still don't know what I need to eat to maintain the weight loss and I don't know how far I can push the boundaries. I am not doing any exercise at the moment (apart from the walking) because of my back. But thank goodness the urge to move has returned; I was worried I had become exercise-phobic again....

I don't know if it helps but I am going to write down what I ate and why - I never did the mood and food diary on RtM.

Highlights include:

Fried egg sandwich (well, soft bap) - this was about 10am. Yesterday, we went to a christening; a very special christening because the baby is a miracle. I can't deny I was very conscious of not having a baby but that's just a feeling. My husband and I were running late, were not organised and panic set in. So while my husband was out getting last-minute things (including some tights for me!), I asked him to get me an egg sarnie. I wasn't hungry. And my skirt (the one I bought from M&S in the summer) was snug, snug, snug - not in a Tom Kitten way ie bursting at the seams - but tighter than when I bought it. So, just as I ate when I had indigestion, I ate because my clothes were tight. Now that's what I call fat logic (as opposed to bird logic).

Car sweets - easily half a packet of Cadbury's Eclairs (purchased by my husband). We thought we might be almost an hour late, we were bickering and I felt anxious. So...I ate sweets. I didn't even enjoy them and worried about what they were doing to my teeth (which cost money to fix!).

Buffet food - the ONE good thing I did was make my husband go to the buffet table. After the anniversary experience (buffet breakfast), I remembered my LLC's strategy of sending someone else to get your food and to get one plate only. My husband brought back one plate to share and I didn't eat much - two deep-fried prawns and two slices of garlic bread (the thin baguette type). I had one glass of champagne and then had diet coke.

Post-event amuse-bouche (!) - I really wanted a cup of tea and something hot so we stopped off at Costa and I had a toasted panini. Looking back, what I really wanted was a cup of tea and a sleep. I didn't need the panini, I didn't enjoy it that much (I know, I know, I used to fantasise about them during abstinence!).

Home - we went out for a drink, which I didn't really enjoy (I had a Peroni). My husband had cooked an amazing curry but since I had sampled it on Friday night (I'd gone out with the lodger), I wanted something else. So I bought Pizza Express dough balls; not exactly healthy but that was what I wanted. I also bought a salad.

I ate the dough balls (90%) by myself and even though they were a disappointment, I carried on eating them. Just because. My husband and the lodger were drinking but I decided to stick to water. At least that was something!

This is all old behaviour; carbs during the evening to pep me up, very little in the way of fresh fruit and veg', ignoring my body's signals (go to bed!) and overriding them with food.

I've woken up today and thought, all those calories for what? All that food, for what? I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I didn't really savour or enjoy anything I ate yesterday.

Not good, not good at all.

Inch Loss Island?

Last night I had my 'end of 12 weeks' photo, which, in theory, would mark the end of Route to Management.

As you know, I don't feel Route to Management and I are done. Yet. Lesley - like you, I feel as I haven't done it perfectly so, in the spirit of Foundation and Development, it must be done to the letter. But maybe it doesn't?

Anyway, I thought you would like some facts and figures:

my total weight loss has slipped down to 4stone6lbs. So my overall gain in the past few months has been 6lbs, as of last night. (Lesley - I am wondering whether the more you lose during Foundation and Development, the more you gain during Route to Management?)

Here are some more stats:

On 21 February, my vital statistics were 45.5 inches (chest), 45 inches (waist) and 46.5 inches (hips).

On 12 September they were 37 inches so an 8.5 inch loss on the bust, 29 inches (waist) so a 16 inch loss and 37.5 inches (hips) so a 9 inch loss.

On 28 November, in theory after Route to Management, they were 37.5 (chest), 29.5 (waist) and 37 (hips).

This represents an 8 inch loss on my bust, 15.5 inches on my waist and 9.5 inches on my hips. So I am half an inch bigger on my bust and waist but half an inch smaller on my hips since eating.

Total inch loss = 33 inches = 2ft9inches or 2 and 3/4 feet! Blimey.

I also lost a pound, which was a MASSIVE surprise. My own scales have stopped working so it was hard for me to gauge my real weight, particularly as I missed class last week. And my last weigh in was a 5lbs gain. Now I am using the lodger's scales so at least I know what the differences is between ours at home and my LLC's.

I am going to do a separate blog about what I did afterwards! But I want to say it's proof that even though you think you know what you weigh, you may not realise your TRUE weight (assuming you do the scales thing!). So you may be feeling lardy like me but the scales could be saying something completely different. And if you were to use your lardy feelings as a reason to eat off-piste (ie what the hell?) then you would have tucked in, unnecessarily. And do you know what? That's what I have done; not cared, felt bloated and a failure and then just eaten because...what the hell?! Does that make sense?

If you are reading this, in Foundation or Development or Route to Management, keep the faith. It IS worth it because YOU are worth it.

xxxx

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 24

When I was at my Management group this week, I met someone who has lost six and a half stone. Yep, 90 lbs.

And now she is tiny and looks incredible - not just in a visual sense but in the way she carries herself. She looks comfortable in her skin and conveys that. It was an eye opener, on SO many levels.

In my usual way, I asked her LOTS of questions because, if I am honest, she LOOKS like someone who hasn't had a weight issue although quite what that means, I don't know. I expected her to say that she had lost nearly 3 stone in Foundation and was now moving over. BUT what is interesting is that I was not the only person who felt like that!

She talked about the usual things that certain people doing LighterLife and other VLCDs may recognise - she didn't miss food and all the mental stuff around food. You know the shopping, the choosing, the preparing, the consuming, the clearing up after... I didn't miss all those things, either.

The second thing I noticed was her approach; she had a clear run in Foundation and Development - she just got on with them. She was in the zone.

And because she's in the zone, she has no problem making the programme a priority.

So, going to class is a great boost, a great reminder, a great tonic and antidote to the blues, which have been hitting me thick and fast in recent weeks.

Second, it's about accessing those moments when the programme IS working/has worked, particularly when you feel it's just too much hassle. When the compulsion to eat is SO overwhelming, I am not in the zone. And I'm certainly not feeling in the mood for a thought record. But maybe, what I need to interrupt a binge is to access, somehow, times when I have felt good, when I have believed this programme is worth it.

Spatial Awareness

I haven't been watching, "I'm a Celebrity" http://www.itv.com/Entertainment/reality/iacgmooh/default.html?ps but I understand that Lynne Franks has been in the jungle. Sadly, I have no idea what the reaction to her was or how she came across or operated in the camp.

Anyway, years ago, I cut out an article about Lynne Franks and her beautiful house in Little Venice, London because there was a quote I wanted to keep. Then, I thought I had binned it until more decluttering revealed it and I thought I would share it:

"I thought this was my dream house but, in fact, it was the lack of intimacy that I didn't like. That was a big learning curve because I always thought I needed a big space. I found out that bigger and bigger means there is more space to get lost in. What I was really looking for was space inside me which I didn't have, which I later found through meditation."

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 23

If I eat late at night, I weigh more in the morning. Fact.

I've tried this a few times now and the next day I feel more bloated, more lardy and...weigh more.

I've also noticed that I have stopped savouring my food and have wondered if it's because I am eating too much. I mentioned this to the expert friend and she confirmed that it was a possibility.

I've already forgotten just how little food I need each day - obviously it wasn't a Route to Management phenomenon - and as I have kept overriding my hunger signals, I am not enjoying what I eat and I am putting on weight.

It's incredible how quickly old habits have come rushing back and new habits are too new to have been embedded.

What I really want to do is have a week of cutting back - maybe even abstinence - and just when I started to think about doing it, I gave myself all sorts of reasons why I couldn't - events coming up, etc. And that is, apparently, what Tony Robbins calls rationalisation - giving myself reasons why I can't do something. I believe it's crooked thinking and Peridot that's why I think yours is crooked thinking too.

I have to ask myself, what's more important? To get my weight back to what I am happy with or eating and drinking more than I need? It's a no brainer yet my crooked thinking will make me believe it's anything but!

"People are expecting you to put on weight"

The great thing, I have discovered, about living with an expert is that they are passionate about their subject matter. And they don't mind discussing it - at length, in detail and with more insight than I could ever imagine.

This weekend the lodger (aka expert friend) and I managed two long walks, with the dog, and talked about all sorts of things including matters dietary. We were talking about people's response to me and, how, locally, people will have seen me shrink over time whereas other friends have been shocked because I didn't tell them.

Funnily enough, in the past week, I have seen two women, locally, who both commented on the fact that I was still looking slim and had obviously managed to keep it off. Of course, I haven't; I've put on more than half a stone and compared with my lowest weight, it's easily three quarters. The lack of any meaningful exercise - partly time, partly the damaged back and partly organisation - means that I am just not burning fat in the same way as before because I am not walking up and down the hill several times a day.

Anyway, the point of this post was to say that both women seemed surprised that I had seemingly not put on any weight.

So, apart from feeling that I had to justify my weight gain (no, I have put on weight, honestly!), I think this is something we have to watch out for. "People are expecting you to put on weight," said my expert friend ie people are expecting me to fail.

I want to buck the trend; I want to be in the tiny percentage that manage to keep the weight OFF. If I continue with my current eating habits, it's NOT going to happen.

What I have also noticed is that I need constant reminders about not slipping big time. The possibility IS there. All the time. Sometimes I override the internal dialogue (about slipping) and sometimes I don't. And it's the times that I don't that need attention.

I believe it's going to be quite challenging to a) buck the trend and b) react to people in a positive way, particularly if they are waiting for me to fail.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Christmas Countdown

In a month's time, chances are you won't be working because it will be Boxing Day. Yep! Christmas will soon be upon us.

Christmas seems to be a real dealbreaker for dieters, particularly those in abstinence. When I started LighterLife, I absorbed every blog possible and most of them discussed what would happen on the BIG DAY ie Christmas Day. Some caved in, had a few days off and then got straight back on the wagon, some stayed abstinence (awesome!) and some jumped ship. Permanently.

And now, on the forum, the discussions have started; to eat or not to eat on December 25th. I don't know what I would have done; I think I would have done my damndest to stay clean! I did it at Easter - it was hideous, painful but I had to dig deep and remove myself from the festive meals. I've also sat through a three course meal or two so it IS possible. Of course, the Christmas meal is THE meal of the year for many people.

What I have noticed is that there is a pressure to eat, a pressure to join in and be like everyone else. And then there are our own feelings - feeling deprived, feeling resentful, feeling miserable - if we 'can't' eat what we like.

I am no longer abstinent so, in theory, I shouldn't be agonising but with all this festive chat, it IS on my mind. Last Christmas I put on half a stone - lots of rich meals, cheese straws, champagne and a few cheeky sweet treats. We did a lot of entertaining and I picked my way through everything we served.

What I don't want to do is wake up in January thinking about how much weight I have to lose. I don't want another year of thinking, THIS will be the year I nail it. I've lost the weight but it's creeping back on already.

I haven't learnt yet what is going to work for me in the longer term; I don't know how much I will be able to eat and drink to keep my weight steady, combined with reasonable exercise, etc, etc.

But Christmas is coming and I will need a strategy and so will you!

Ever So Lonely

As if I didn't know now, well, since doing LighterLife, being on my own is a massive trigger for all sorts of negative activity - sad/depressed thoughts, chaotic eating (sporadic rather than hardcore bingeing) and feeling L-O-N-E-L-Y. I feel it would make a great Country and Western song.

Yesterday I stayed in bed, as my back was so sore. I did nothing. But instead of saying, ok, I am having a day off, I felt guilty for being behind with my work (on top of my laptop failing - I lost two days' work), guilty for the house still being in chaos and just generally rubbish. So the day 'off' was wasted - partly because I was incapacitated and partly because I couldn't make the most of it.

The strangest thing is that I used to spend hours and hours on my own, working, living, etc and now I've become almost phobic about it. I must admit it's when the crooked thinking (Peridot - have NOT forgotten you, btw!) comes out to party.

Anyway, last night the lodger aka the expert friend and I had a long chat, later joined by my husband and I now have an action plan to sell/give away (mainly give away) to charity or freecycle all the things that we don't need. I am only selling furniture.

Just like my weight held me back for years, well, decades, I can't let all the stuff from our past hold me/us back in our new house.

I still have many hang ups about (not being able to have) children - haven't given up hope - but the expert friend said something very wise (I wanted her to do a guest appearance here!) - she said, while there is all this stuff, there IS no space for children. And she is right. After my goddaughter visited last week, that was abundantly clear to me.

The other thing that she asked, fellow dieters take note(!), was whether all this stuff (boxes of it!) was making me resort to old eating habits. Was it giving me a reason (ie rationalising and legitimising) for poor eating choices? And, yes, it most definitely is. She said just as old habits will creep back, so will the weight. She was clear to say that five stone won't come back immediately but the pounds will creep back on AND if I am not addressing the causes of those poor eating habits, they will continue. I'm also beginning to understand that eating in this chaotic way is NOT being kind to myself. I may think I am enjoying a packet of crisps or biscuits but the enjoyment is so short-lived while the pain of having to lose those gained-back pounds is going to be much, much greater.

The frenetic bingeing HAS calmed down but rather than be structured about healthy meals, I am eating in an ad hoc basic - almost eating whatever is there.

On the forum, there has been talk of eating when you are full. On Route to Management, it's a tough call for some people. I definitely DON'T feel full after 20 minutes - more like two hours later, which leads to eating more than I need. There is an extremely wise member (Karion Dieting) who said she uses eating until she feels satisified. I keep forgetting this mantra but it is SOOOO useful, I think.

There is a William Morris quote:

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful”. I am really going to apply that now.

But, I also think it applies to weight loss too, particularly once you are out of abstinence. It would be something like, "Have nothing in your fridge that you do not know to be healthy, or believe to be nutritious and tasty".

I remember, in the early days of Route to Management (when I WAS following it) the sheer delight and utter enjoyment of a meal with cottage cheese, rocket and balsamic vinegar. It was a totally satisfying meal. That recognition of taste has gone. I am not savouring my food in the same way. I want to get that back because when you really enjoy your food, you eat less.

I do feel as if I am on the tipping point, again, of life-changing stuff. LighterLife has changed me but I must admit I do recognise the old habits creeping in, with some new unhealthy ones (all things sweet) coming along! What I have to do is ensure that my environment and my personal network (sorry, that sounds a bit OTT) support the work that I have done this year - losing weight et al.

I guess, if I don't love something, I don't need to eat it or have it in my home. Hmmmmm.

Ouch!

I went to see the osteopath yesterday, who was able to see, straightaway, what was wrong with my back. I've got a problem with my sacroiliac joint (it is out and inflamed), which sits next to the sciatic nerve and accounts for the shooting pains down my leg.

It's much more painful now but heat/ice have been prescribed, as has rest (coupled with specific stretches). I have to go back on Monday.

I am feeling very sorry for myself, I must say. This has affected how I feel about food; I want comfort. But the bingeing has stopped. I have also noticed that when I have a foodpack, it really doesn't feel 'enough'. (I am only having one a day, if that.)

I feel very disconnected from LighterLife right now; I didn't make class because of work commitments.

I am hoping to get a bit straighter this weekend so we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I haven't caught up with other people's blogs but I will this weekend. Peridot - I glanced at yours and will reply properly. I would suggest it IS our friend, crooked thinking and/or you need to think where you want to be. Perhaps the 80:20 rule might work for you?

Have a great weekend, everyone.