The Lard Arms

The First Year is the Hardest

I made it to class this week.

This was a good thing, even though every fibre of my being didn't want to go.

The night before, I stayed with the Expert Friend so got reunited with the scales. I was well into the 11 stones bracket. Not a cheeky pound or two over. Not at all.

I knew it. I really did know it. Deep down. My clothes don't fit. The food is out of control. The exercise has stopped. I am drinking.

11 stone was my non-negotiable. And I had sailed past, thanks to a carb-fuelled eatathon.

One of my Management Group members was there - at class - one of the first people I met. She said that the first year of eating food (she had had her one year eating food anniversary ie Route to Management started) had been really hard. Not impossible but she was just acknowledging it had been hard. Co-incidentally, she ate a food (on the anniversary) that she had not eaten for about 18 months. It could have been a trigger but it wasn't; she was able to savour it. And move on.

And then Lesley's been writing about saving up treats and...savouring them.

These are all tricks of the trade, as it were.

In the meantime, I am going to have a good talk to myself this weekend; I need a plan now. Urgently. Not sure when this reality check chat is going to happen, since the weekend's going to be full-on.

I'll get back to you!

Have a great weekend.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dress Down Day Dilemma

Friday is dress down day at work. It was also dress down day on Thursday but the email went round after I had left for the day on Wednesday so I felt like a pillock all suited and booted and probably seemed like a tightwad, too, since it was for charity!!

Anyway, the skinny jeans (size 12 from M&S - the ONLY M&S jeans I could find that fitted me) have bitten the dust. The thigh area had worn thin and then, the last time I wore them, they became very distressed ie when I sat down, they ripped! I kid you not.

So, I am jean-less. Well, I still have the cut-off jeans but they are not suitable for the office - even on dress down day.

So....since I have no other clothes, I had to raid my old supply of big jeans. I have given away all my fat clothes bar one Evans top that I loved and every single pair of jeans - five in total I think - that I possessed before, during and after LighterLife. I bought a pair from Sainsbury's - size 14s - that were an in-between pair. So they have hardly been worn. But they fit now. They are packed with lycra - so stretch - and the legs are roomy but there is no space in the waist area.

It really was a good wake up call; I am going backwards. I bought those jeans months and months ago. So, in my mind, the eatathon plus has just - essentially - undone months of hard work. Obviously, the inner-skinflint is glad to be able to have some more wear out of these jeans but they remind me of being like an American Tourist on vacation. They are roomy jeans. They are not flattering. They are not particuarly stylish. They are middle-aged jeans. They are make-do jeans; you know the score, when you go into a shop, as a bigger person, it's not about choice. It's about making do with what's on offer.

Anyway, those jeans did me a favour because yesterday it was someone's 21st birthday in the office and birthdays, as with leaving days mean one thing only. Food. Cakes, biscuits, sweets. For the first time in three weeks I did not have one single morsel. I just zoned out. I had a pack during my mid-morning break, a bar at lunchtime, a pack when I got home and then a normal-ish meal later on. Still heavy on the carbs (pasta) but stacked up with salad.

When my husband came back I had half a wholemeal muffin - toasted - simply because I was making it for him and was too tired to argue myself out of it.

Anyway, Lesley's efforts are really hitting home right now. It's like last year all over again; Lesley had started earlier and I was massively motivated by her success (and efforts).

I have another LighterLife friend who is going for gold with Route to Management and I have been toying with the idea of doing that. But, at the end of the day, what I really need to do is get to a weight that I am happy with and can get closure on, if that makes sense. I am still hung up by not making it to 5 stone (which would mean a total weight loss of 7 stone). Ridiculous, I know. But maybe that's just what I need to do. For me.

Full-on abstinence is not going to work for me again. But Lesley's solution seems workable, which of course is like the early weeks of Route to Management!

Anyway, the other thing I want to say here is that I have noticed I have started dressing to disguise the fat; it is basically in one place - my trunk. But I am wearing big floaty scarves, etc. Yesterday, to hide the cottage loaf effect from the jeans, I wore a zip-up top and subsequently roasted. It's just another reminder of all the things I used to do. All the time. And how self-conscious I felt. All the time.

And when I feel that uncomfortable in myself, I can't be myself. I am too busy trying to disguise what is obvious to everyone else!

So, ironically, the dress down day dilemma - the what can I wear panic(?!) - has done me a massive favour. It's the first time I have had to resort to fat-ter clothes, which really isn't the same as being squeezed into new clothes! It really did spark off something inside that said, last year can't have all been for nothing.

I've talked about the slippery slope, I written about it but I haven't really felt it deeply until now. Losing weight, particularly towards the end, was all about two step forwards, one back, maybe even two back but there were always more steps forward - on the horizon. Right now, unless I take action, there will just be more steps back. Whatever happens, however much I am driven to eat for whatever reason, I cannot let that happen.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I am hitting the allotment later, even though the forecast is heavy rain! At least the soil will be easier to work!

Still Here

OK. This is going to be a short post. I've written a few things but not posted because...well, I wasn't ready. Usually, I just write stream of consciousness stuff and then press save.

I've tried to be a bit more circumspect because I need a break from myself, to be honest!

Anyway, I'm still here. Just.

I read Lesley's latest post and well, it was just great. There was something so upbeat about it, so sorted and sussed. And then I read Peridot's and she's all in the zone with the new regime.

The old me would have just used it as an opportunity to berate myself further because I am not there. At all. But hell, I don't need to do that anymore!

I managed to wake up very, very yesterday morning so put on the Oprah/Eckhart Tolle lecture. There's a lot to take in but one of the things that I have consciously tried to do today is stop and breathe, every so often.

Anyway, that classic phrase "what you resist, persists" came up and I heard it. Loud and clear. I really am resisting all things diet-related, right now. I won't say food-related because obviously I am still chomping away. Of course, I've also missed class so I've got no idea what I weigh. And boy, am I resisting all of that. My classes used to be my amazing treat; now they just seem to be a painful reminder of where I am NOT. I can't believe it but I am scared to step on any scales. But denial can only last for so long. So, if I cannot get my scales repaired (it's not the battery - I managed to check that on Monday), I must order some more.

In the meantime, I've been feeling down about work. Ironically, not so much the call centre (more later) but just what am I going to do. I've been feeling trapped and scared and totally without direction. I spoke to Porkchop tonight and since what she does is careers-related, she knows what she's talking about! I had found a temporary job that I could apply for and that paid the same day rate as I am earning all week!!! It's been a bit of a wake up call, all round!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we came up with a plan. Porkchop gave me some very sound advice and I felt genuinely excited. And then the Expert Friend, who happens to know a lot about this area, rang me tonight, too so something is happening!!!

I do feel very blessed to have access to such amazing people. Next week I am going to stay with the Expert Friend and I am v.excited. It will be a double whammy of London (glamorous part of town) and girly catch ups!

Porkchop and I used to work together and even though we are SOOOO different, we make each other laugh a lot. Of late, we haven't managed to but, overall, there is a very strong bond there. Of course, I had to concede - again - that the advice she was giving me tonight, she has given me before. But do you know what? I always used my weight as an excuse. To NOT do so many things. I did, often, utter the immortal words to her, "But I am too fat to work in an office" (even though I had client meetings..in offices!) , as she begged me to reconsider working on my own!

As Porkchop would say herself, "well, really"!

So, the food thing isn't great but it's definitely more under control compared with a week ago. I feel I have a better focus for work and job hunting, which is flexible enough to fit around my husband's plans, which change daily and have a masssively unsettling effect on me.

I guess what I really need to do is what my LighterLife Counsellor advised three, possibly four weeks ago; she told me focus on the life I wanted, not the life I didn't want! She's so wise. I heard her, I acknowledged what she said, I probably even blogged about it but I didn't do it!

This weekend, I think it's time, don't you?

Hope you are all rocking! And sorry, not such a short post after all....

Keep up the good work, girls! xxxxxxxxxxx

It's Decision Time

OK, so the mayhem and madness have abated...for now. And more of that later.

I'm still eating too much but have managed to get through today, off-piste-snack free. I've stuck to three meals, had a piece of fruit and copious amounts of tea. This is progress. I am calmer.

I have been very slack on the water front but I can address that tomorrow.

There is no doubt the presence of my mother has been a calming influence, not least because she has been on hand at the house while I have been at work. On Friday we had the flooring guys in to sort out some problems; she was here to keep an eye on things.

Now that I am working away from home, I realise I need a wife!

My husband has not yet fully embraced the new regime; he still asks me to do things - in that boss/secretary kind of way - but, sadly, with no free time during work hours, I cannot perform these administrative tasks! When I worked from home - even when we were in London, I could do all those things because I was my own boss. I could do housework (of a fashion!) in my own time. I could manage our lives, in my own time. Now I work in an office where there is no internet surfing, there are no personal calls or emails. You get the picture. It's targets, targets, targets. So the personal admin' has to be done at home, out of office hours. As does the housework - washing, cleaning, keeping things ticking over because I am not a natural domestic goddess!

This morning, for example, when my husband left at 5.20am, I got up and did some housework (cleaned the bathroom and hoovered - there are three big dogs in the house). It needed to be done because I didn't do any at the weekend. My mother is also walking the dog - with one of her own - which relieves the pressure.

We have also decided (my mother and I) that the dog would be better with her for the next two weeks. This will give me the opportunity to apply for some jobs, catch up with some much-needed house-related activities - you get the picture.

For us (as a couple), it's crunch time. My husband is really keen to leave his job - in spite of arguing incessantly - we do miss each other. He wants something where he can be in one place, Monday-Friday or, at least, most of the time so that he can come home. We had hoped something was in the pipeline; he got a second interview but then the role was put on hold. He wants to work in one industry specifically so we shall have to wait and see.

I have also realised that I need to work with other people; even though I don't like my current job, I do appreciate human contact. So, in the short term, working from home is not an option - even with the dog for company. BUT, and it's a big BUT, I don't want to be doing a two-hour commute each way, which is what would be my reality if I had a big job in London. My dog is a factor in my life and I am really beginning to understand what that means if I want to work for other people; as soon as we moved out of London, I said goodbye to my informal doggy day care arrangements. (Lesley - how do you manage, out of interest?)

And ANOTHER important factor is...exercise! Aha! Yes; this is part of the big reality check going on right now. Last year, I made a big commitment to myself, to my health (and yes, to try to conceive in the last chance saloon) and now I am seeing that the changes I made cannot be sustained without time - time to prepare healthy food so that I am not tempted to sink my face into junk food, time for exercise (with the dog, with the allotment and with some core stability stuff if I am not going to be a member of a gym), time to be with the dog and time to run our home so that I don't/can't use the state of the house as an excuse/don't have it as another trigger. And time to be with my husband; if we are out of sync' - stressed and arguing- I will eat in a self-destructive way. Fact.

I'll be honest; when I embarked on LighterLife, I had no idea of the long-term implications. First, I didn't think I would last the distance. Second, in the early days, I kept thinking about life AFTER LighterLife - and it was very much about the things I would go back to (to eat). Third, as I continued with the programme, I began to see about how and what I would be eating to sustain my weight loss. And I think I was in denial about what that meant. What it really meant - long term. I thought I might shun all unhealthy foods but of course, it isn't like that, is it?!

LighterLife Route to Management is supposedly a 12-week programme, with extra weeks thrown in if you want to repeat any of the foods/triggers. I never gave Route to Management the full attention it deserves and now I realise that whatever I could have learnt during that time, I really haven't.

And, of course, food is only one part of finding a new way of living, of operating, at peace with food and in control of my emotions.

Yes, my friends, it's decision time - to establish what's going to work for me - as an employee, not an employer, as someone who has lost weight and wants to maintain that loss, and, of course, as an addict and finally, for us, as a couple with a dog!

Too Busy Eating

This post is short and sweet and a warning to all, including myself. (Apologies for lack of comments - I am going to catch up with everyone's blogs at the weekend.)

Along with all the old behaviours, the old food patterns and old food (I feel as if I have been on a big nostalgic binge lasting several days but without the joy of nostalgia), along came the old symptoms - extreme tiredness, backache and major anxieties. It's been completely extraordinary and NOT GOOD. At least, I WILL be able to take something from the experience; I prefer my post-VLCD way of operating. This continuous eating is not good on any level. Full stop.

My mother is arriving later this evening so that should nip all bad behaviour in the bud!

Over and out for now comrades. Hope you are faring better; I rather suspect you are.

The Vortex

I seem to have got myself into a very strange place of repeating old behaviours - particularly the food ones.

And I am stuck right in the middle of this inner turmoil. There are certain things I AM managing to do - walk the dog, go to work in one piece - and I am slowly getting my act together on the outstanding admin' issues.

BUT there has been a price; food consumption.

I've noticed a pattern now; one area of my life can be going really well so disruption and disharmony appear somewhere else.

And here's the strangest thing; I know what I am doing goes against everything I was working towards last year. Yet I continue.

I also know what I can do to fix things. But I don't. How insane is that?

I can't even bring myself to do a thought record. Maybe I just don't want to see, in black and white, what I already know. I really am NOT coping with everything that's going on around me.

Anyway, that's enough negativity. Two things brought me joy today - first, I finished at 4pm to allow for class but I didn't go because the sesson has been moved. Just having that extra hour and a half at home meant that I got so much admin done, which made me smile. And made me feel more in control. Second, when I walked the dog, the weather was glorious. We managed a good walk, with an abundance of natural light. It was SOOOO beautiful and the dog even managed a swim or two in The Thames. She was so happy.

We are back in the groove together - the dog and me; it's working really well. She seems to love her evening walks more than any others so, with the lighter evenings coming our way, I want to make the most of that time of day. The dog is certainly not an early riser so I am no longer beating myself up if we haven't packed in a super long walk before I leave for work.

While my husband is away, she is my constant companion and it does make a huge difference, having her here. This year she is going to be 12 years old and tonight, as we were walking along, I was thinking about work and the impact of work. Work to live or live to work? If I live to work, the dog is not going to get a look in, realistically. It's time for a rethink. Another one.

Digging for England

Just a little post...

Just had a bath and I really was NOT flexing my non-existent muscles whilst splashing around but, I have to say, I did notice a cheeky little bicep definition!!!! OMG!!!!

I can only put this down to the digging (on the allotment). My ribcage also hurts and I did think...cor' blimey, could this be my core muscles actually responding to something????

Home Alone

(Apologies for the disjointed post...the phone kept ringing!)

For regular readers, you'll remember I used to fantasise about writing the blog (amongst other things) from the loft, looking out of the big window.

Well, the dream has become a reality because the Expert Friend has vacated the space, we have no guests until Thursday night so I can creep up and get writing (and crack on with the long overdue admin!). I feel the room has been in very good hands! I have moved my iMac upstairs now so, from now on, I have no excuses!

It still has a temporary feel to it so I'll save the photos until the bed is made up and it looks a bit more lived in!

It's been a strange day; we were up at 4.50am as my husband had to leave at 5.20am. I spent three hours doing chores, walking the dog (briefly!) and rushing out, worrying about how much more I had to do. There really was a sense of panic - as if I couldn't leave the house without getting more done.

This panic, I realise, continues throughout the day; sometimes I catch it, sometimes I don't. I noticed it on the way home tonight; I thought about what I needed from the supermarket and what I should/could buy, "just in case". Just in case of what? It's my old train journey mentality, which we unpacked during Foundation - just in case I don't have access to food!! Blimey, oh Riley. At least I caught myself this time and managed to laugh at myself, too.

For the Geneen Roth fans amongst you, you know that she has been known to go to places, fully prepared - with little bags of food. Just in case! (And I don't mean that in a mocking way. I have much time for Ms Roth.)

As I was walking home at lunchtime, I was thinking about my food meltdown. I've decided to make a list of triggers but, unlike usual, I am not going to set myself the herculean task of noting down every single trigger from the past year and say I'll have the job done by tomorrow. No, I'm going to start going through my posts (because I don't have any mood/food diaries) and start logging them. From what my LLC says, there are bound to be some favourites. Off the top of my head, I know there are a few hormonal ones - that's for sure!

Because, unless I know what my triggers are, how can I fix/work with them? I have some strategies in place but not enough.

I know it sounds really bizarre but I have noticed that just when I am about to do something good - for me - I do tend to go for a bit of self-sabotaging (with food). Take tonight. I came in, changed, went out with the dog, walked her and then came in. And all I had to do was feed her and get myself up two flights of stairs to the loft where I could write, ie where I could start appreciating part of what I did last year with this house. So, did I? Did I heck! I managed to eat some food (not a foodpack) before removing myself. Literally. And was I hungry? Of course, I wasn't!

This is the first night of a new phase; the house really is empty and I won't speak to another human - face-to-face - until tomorrow morning at work. I may see someone when I walk the dog. I may not. The challenge is going to be to stay on the straight and narrow and keep myself busy. Fortunately, I have more than enough to do - but even that is going to be a balancing act - the moment I feel overwhelmed, I'll want to bury my face in something to eat. Being/feeling overwhelmed is a MASSIVE trigger for me.

Food-wise, today hasn't been brilliant but it hasn't been an unmitigated disaster. Given that I have taken so many painkillers and was absolutely NOT wanting to go to work AND it's a Monday (another trigger!), I've not done too badly - all things considered. But it's not sustainable in the long term and that is the challenge; whatever I decide to do - go back to abstinence, give RtM another go, etc - I am going to have to find a way.

As a complete aside, now that my husband is back on an assignment, he is eating out every night. This time round, his team is predominantly female (last time they were all male and ate together three times a day!) and I said that the fairer sex would definitely NOT want to eat out every night - guaranteed. And I was right. There is, however, one other male team member so, last week, on Valentine's Night when the girls sensibly ordered room service, my husband and his male colleague were dining a deux! He made me laugh tonight because they are having a 'romantic rerun' - same restaurant, blah blah blah. At least one of us is getting spoilt!!!

Can You Dig It?

Good news - I got to the allotment twice. And did a lot of digging.

Good news - I bought two work skirts for under £30 and a dress for £16 (sale).

Not so great - my hormones are playing up. Massively.

Really not so great - I drank quite a lot of alcohol to suppress the physical effects when the painkillers didn't work.

Terrible - in a bad place with food.

Should know better - could not fit into any work trousers when shopping! I can get skinny jeans up my leg but then the stomach has to go somewhere! Hmmmmmmmmm. A size 14 won't fit round the tum but is far too big for my legs......

I was determined to get sorted on the strategy front this weekend; sadly, I have been completely and utterly sidelined by those pesky hormones!

But, as I keep reminding myself, I got digging!

Apologies for brevity. Normal service will be resumed...by Wednesday! And thanks for the messages; I WILL respond!

Well done, Lesley, BTW, fantastic effort!!!!

Lip Service

So, Lesley posed the questions:

"What's your strategy at the moment? Or are you just taking it one step at a time? You are maintaining (broadly) aren't you? Do you want to lose what you gained or are you going to accept a bit of extra weight and buy some more clothes??"

And here are the answers, being scrupulously honest as I always aim to be:

Strategy? What strategy? I have no strategy at all; it's chaos, chaos, choas. I'm operating from one extreme to the other - ramrading through the non negotiables! This week I've gone from making up a muffin at work in the microwave to buying a packet of McCoys from the vending machine and having sugar in my tea and coffee (I almost made it to two weeks without coffee). I'm here, there and everywhere. And nowhere. My eating has been like those two extremes this week but on a much bigger scale.

Sadly, since just before Christmas, I have been gaining, creeping upwards - sometimes in big steps, sometimes in little steps. But it's not downward and I don't even look at my numbers in my little white book because I think I would be so angry with myself.

I think I am just shy of 11 stone now; I want to be 10 stone if toned, 9 and a half if not. I definitely want to be able to fit into size 12 trousers easily. I am not a pear so my frame is really rather small; if the trousers ain't doing up, it's because I've got the swiss ball tum thing going on! I am never going to be a 12 on top and I don't worry about that in the slightest - I am happy to buy size 14 tops. If I was super toned, I might even be able to get into a size 10 pair of trousers. But that would be the result of serious gym work.

And here's the thing - nothing I do is consistent. I joined the gym because the Expert Friend paid. As soon as she stopped going, I stopped, even though I was seeing results! It just wasn't enough.

I'm also nervous of the gym; I spend two weeks out of every four wondering if, this time, I might be pregnant so I am too scared to do anything strenuous. After five years of operating like this (bar the time of abstinence), you'd think I'd realise I'm wasting my time being so ridiculously cautious. I've seen so many fertility experts who make it clear that only gentle exercise should be considered if you are trying for a baby. And that has stayed with me.

And then there is all the external stuff; I've really begun to understand just how much of my life is dominated by external events - however big or small. And with that external-centric mindset, comes huge internal turbulence. I then try to calm that turbulence with food.

I need to do several things because the food thing is getting out of hand again. Old habits are coming back - tonight I've eaten, pretty much, non-stop since walking in the door at 6pm (with the exception of walking the dog for 45 minutes). And it's random stuff that I am eating.

Right now, I think I am just paying lip service to the programme. Even the water consumption has dropped again. Sometimes I have a pack, sometimes I don't. I still go to class but not always with a good heart.

I really have lost my way and I don't know how to get back again. Did you know that there is a new Management book? Well, it's for the people who have done Route to Management. I started reading it and it made me feel so inadequate, which then translated into how much can I eat? It was a MASSIVE trigger - the biggest in a long, long time. Now what's THAT all about?

So that's where I am. The hormones are really playing havoc with my body and, once again, I am in a lot of pain and certainly don't have the patience of a saint. I've become exhausted, moody and uptight. All within a couple of days. That's nice!

It's not right but I just don't know what to do. One thing's for sure, I am NOT behaving like a slim person nor am I looking like one. Sometimes, I find myself wondering whether I actually did a VLCD or, more usually, knowing that I did but believing, somehow, that it is totally not connected to who I am now. Errr. Wrong.

So, lovely Lesley, something has to give; whatever I have done to date, I can tell you that it is not compelling enough to make me want to keep the faith. I like walking. I love the allotment. I like eating fresh fruit over chocolate biscuits. All these things, in isolation, make me feel good - but not in a sustained way - and I haven't found a way of stringing them together so that the gaps between them don't become filled with food. Does that make sense?

Yes, there is much physical work to do but there is even more head stuff to do (which I am resenting right now) to ensure I can talk myself out of/round sticky situations. Tonight I zoned out when I ate; it really was as if I wasn't there. It's those moments I need to tackle because it's not as if I had a couple of cheeky carrots. I consumed a lot of food and I didn't even feel full! Well, of course, I wouldn't; I'm trying to fill an emotional chasm with food, not nourishing myself with what I really need. And I don't know what that is anymore.

Yes, a radical rethink is needed but I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I thought losing weight would genuinely make me feel better but I have been astounded, at times, at how little an impact it seems to have had. And with that in mind, where's the motivation to continue?!