The Lard Arms

Coasting

Apologies for the cream tea photo - in case it caused unwanted thoughts!!

Funnily enough, last year was OBVIOUSLY a cream tea-free zone, in spite of three trips - minimum - to Devon.

And I think this trip may well be cream-free too.

And here's why; some friends came to see us - last weekend - bearing gifts - homemade scones (four savoury ones and four plain ones that just HAD to be smothered with the aforementioned and jam). And guess what? Even though all the indvidual elements were a sure-fire winner, it really didn't do that much for me. And THAT was a shock. As I have said on this blog, many times, I'm not really a cake/pudding girl (although I really may have to revise that opinion!) but a cream tea always went down a treat.

I've also had another revelation; I found myself craving healthy food but only after a run of rubbish!

My husband and I have been away for a few days - our very first experience of self-catering - and the complete and utter lack of planning on our part meant we ate quite a lot of rubbish/pub grub. And guess what? I found myself desperately wanting...salad!

And I am feeling really rather lardy at the moment - have not been brave enough to step on my mother's scales - but I know it's only a matter of time. The day of reckoning fast approaches - either here or at home.

Food has definitely taken a backseat for a while. The blog has suffered, my attention has just been on what can I eat with absolutely NO thought to what the consequences of eating that food will be and even though I have been to class, the focus has very much been on OTHER STUFF.

But this coasting is definitely NOT sustainable. I'll be giving this some thought. Soon!

Interval

Apologies for the silence. I have run away! Literally!

Normal blogging will resume shortly; in the meantime, I have come to Devon - home of you know what - for a few days to reconnect with the dog. I am missing her very much!

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - Wedding Countdown

It's summer. And summer means...weddings!

There is just one wedding on the horizon for me this year - in August. I don't think it's Slimmer Bridezilla's wedding - but, who knows? Stranger things have happened in cyberspace!

Anyway, Lesley has been to a wedding - and posted some fabby pics - and, somehow, somewhere, in the deep, dark depths of my brain is a little alarm bell, getting louder and louder. It's called Wedding Outfit Countdown. And for every wedding I have attended in my life - yes, every single one, including my own, Wedding Outfit Countdown has proved to be a massive, crushing blow to any self-esteem I may have had at the time.

You know the score - the fat person's ultimate nightmare - what to wear when there's not much you can wear? And when you wear just what you could find rather than what you wanted to wear, well, you just feel even worse.

Since losing the weight, I haven't been to a wedding with people I know. I'll be honest; if this wedding were one of my friend's, I wouldn't worry SO much. But when it's one of my husband's friends who are getting hitched, I really do panic. When we went to the wedding in January, I literally knew two people - and one of those was my husband. So, in my mind, THAT wedding doesn't count!

I've always felt like the fat frumpy wife and have often fantasised about rocking up at a wedding with my husband's friends and just looking fabulous. Well. slim! Or pregnant. Actually, what I have really wanted to do is just NOT feel ashamed or apologetic (about myself) and feel comfortable in my own skin! Aha!

Anyway, this wedding is the last chance for me to have the fantasy moment when my husband's friends see my potential. It's not a vanity thing; I really had hoped to have been pregnant at this wedding but it was not to be. It's a self-preservation thing; I want to feel as if I have done my husband proud. All the wives are quite opinionated, to be honest.

It's a wedding in the North East again and it's going to be a very stylish wedding. All the others have been big but down to earth affairs. This one will be all about making a statement (this wedding is SOOO dictated by the bride!). But then, what wedding isn't?!

I will want to wear something understated. Less is more and all that. I could, in theory, get away with wearing the same outfit as I wore for the winter wedding. I would just need to lose 21lbs. Yes, that's one and a half stone. The wedding is in less than six weeks' time. Actually, it's in five weeks' time as I have just checked the calendar.

It's do-able. It's TOTALLY do-able. BUT as we all know, actually doing it is a different matter altogether! Inwardly, I am groaning. Yet ANOTHER weight-loss target. There's also a huge part of me that's saying, for goodness sake, get over yourself and go as you are. There will still be noticeable differences to the last time I saw all these people. There's another part of me that says I am DONE with dieting!

But do you know what? I would really like to have some lovely photos of me and my husband together. It will be around the time of our anniversary (of starting to date!!!). I would also like to get this weight stuff nailed!

So, somehow, somewhere, I want to find the strength to give it the final push! It won't be abstinence. It won't be any particular thing - in fact, I don't know what it will be. Yet.

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - Ouch!

So, apologies for the silence.

I spent all morning and a big chunk of the afternoon at the Apple ER, hoping for a miracle. And the prayers and stroking of the computer paid off! So far. Yes, I was literally stroking it as the specialist started his tests on the machine!

I was a pathetic figure, sitting at the Genius bar (where they repair broken products in any Apple store) with my vintage goods. My husband had driven me there because he thought I would struggle on the train and the Tube (!) but he was not in a happy mood. I can't blame him; he needed a lie in and I think he had a real sense that this could be it (curtains time!) with the computer. We really do row a lot over technology; I remain technically challenged whilst he can talk the techno geek language with the best of them.

In fact, my husband played a few blinders today and we came out with both machines still functioning. The challenge will be to set up the desktop get it to work here, at home.

I've also done something to my shoulder so I can't turn properly. In fact, there are many things I can't do properly. I'm also pretty annoyed with myself because I really needed to thank my husband for being so thoughtful but because we had lots of mini rows throughout the morning, my attitude of gratitude had run off.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, there has been A LOT going on this week and I'll update you all later. Suffice to say that this week, I told my group that the food wasn't working for me at the moment. I was too stressed to binge. But I had started drinking! I had also lost a pound.

But, after class, I stayed out far too late (NOT drinking though), came home shattered and ate too much - even if it was "healthy"! This morning, as we were both so tired, the eating choices were poor - very poor - and even though I have had a power nap late this afternoon, I am still tired. And ready to eat the world. Because tiredness means resistance is futile.

So, I am going to reproduce a message I left on Peridot's blog, as much as a reminder to myself as a tool to share. Here goes...

"Hello, it's me, checking in from the Mac hospital!!!

There's so much going on here so I am going to just add what I can and hope that it makes sense, based on the sessions we have with my LLC. There are several things that keep coming up for our Management group:

Boundaries - this seems to be the cornerstone of so much. By placing boundaries around us, IN THEORY, we make certain things non-negotiable like the smack table (we don't go there), like the way people treat us (they KNOW not to go there), etc etc. The hardest thing seems to be imposing our own boundaries - my own non-negotiables get regularly blown out of the water.

Thought records - more and more and more I am realising that I don't want to do thought records because I just can't face what I am feeling. But, ironically, by just spending a few mins on the REAL problem, we can avert the vicious cycle of eating something we don't REALLY want, feeling bad about what we've eaten and then, later, feeling bad about the results of eating off piste. Does that make sense?

I love Lesley's idea of rules but the word rules makes me feel very very rebellious!

Lol Mrs Lxxxxxx"

So, it's time to get some serious sleeping done and get back to basics. I am afraid to admit there have been some Drama Queen moments this week, which have worn me out (and my nearest and dearest) . Sometimes, I just need a proper reality check, I really do!

PS - hello to 'J' who posts comments on Lesley's blog and Peridot's blog. Check out her Slimmer Bridezilla blog Good luck with the wedding countdown!! xxx

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - The iMac is Dead, Long Live the iMac

Disaster!

As regular readers will know, I'm an apple (as in Mac) girl. I am in the very fortunate position (thanks to hard work!) of owning an iMac and an iBook. Well, the iMac was a work purchase and the iBook was a gift from my husband from those long-lost days of free-flowing cash. Both (the Mac equipment, not the husband!) are considered vintage by the company that created them. Hmmmm.

Today, I was innocently updating the iMac, not really paying attention to the software update whilst also on the phone. BIG mistake. Whatever was UPloaded has rendered my beautiful iMac incapable of even starting up again.

It is stuck in the limbo land. I texted my husband who texted his techno geek friend, who is our Mac guru. And the verdict? It could be terminal, according to my husband. I do not use these words lightly.

On that computer are all our photographs - from 2001 onwards, including our engagement and wedding. And every single photo that we have taken since we embraced digital photography. The dog. Our life in London. Our leaving our life in London. The housebuild. Our holidays. Our friends. Our diminished families. The emails we first sent to each other (yes, I did save them before!). The novels I started but never finished. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, we have backed up but not recently and it's on a separate drive that we cannot access because...it's linked to the iMac.

We also have apple care (one of those expensive insurance packages that has probably run out) but my husband thinks there is only one solution. A trip to the nearest apple store with both computers so that we can save what we can.

The implications of this innocent software update have not hit me yet but my husband assures me that THIS IS IT.

I just don't know what to say. Literally.

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - The Comedown

OK, so the second interview happened. I was SOOOOOO nervous; I met a very good friend at the London mainline station for a quick coffee before legging it across London. I think even she was alarmed at my manic state!

THIS interview was the complete opposite to the last. So, we'll see. Post-grilling, the adrenalin was literally pouring out of my body and I had to (obviously!) have yet another Starbucks coffee light frappuccino. I am totally addicted to this drink. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I then had to cross London to meet my other half.

I spent Friday getting gemmed up on the organisation. Tomorrow, I shall be finding out all about something COMPLETELY different so that I can do the prepare, practise and perform routine all over again. In the meantime, my husband is resigning from his job tomorrow and I've got another interview on Tuesday. He got offered something this week and he's going to take it. He's not overly happy with the new job - not such a prestigious firm - but he'll be hands on from day one. This means he really will be away - Monday-Friday - for the next 12 months. Hmmmm.

After my own interview, I had a massive comedown. And I've been eating ever since. It's partly hormonal - I am taking heavy-duty painkillers, which aren't working, it's partly emotional and partly physical. I have spent this weekend either at the allotment doing my green gym activities or in the garden, digging for England!

And when I say eat, I mean anything and everything. From ultra-UNhealthy to raw food fresh (gifts from fellow allotmenteers)! This is no way to live. You know it. I know it.

Tomorrow, as ever, is another day!

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - Prepare, Practise and Perform

Sorry for not posting!

Even though I am now officially unemployed, I have been super busy. Porkchop told me to focus very carefully on what I really want in the longer term - work-wise - and how I am going to achieve that. She is right. The great news is that there is freelance work out there - of course, a job is not a job until you walk into the office on the first day but there is definitely a chance of earning more (phew!).

Today is the second interview and although, at this stage, I definitely don't want the job, I still want to perform well, do myself justice and feel that I did my best. The irony is the job is potentially fantastic but the organisation is...well, let's just say it doesn't strike me as a happy, healthy place to work!

Apparently, the keys to successful interviews are the three Ps - prepare, practise and perform! I am still at the preparation stage, I'll practise on the train and then, bingo, let the performance begin!

I do feel sick with nerves but not too sick that I can't eat!!

PS sorry for not posting more pertinent comments on everyone's blogs - Peridot - just keep going. Do NOT get sidetracked by apparently small losses. Lesley - at least you are running!!!! V.good. I will catch up at the weekend. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - "Tragedy"

Well, lovely friends, what a day it was. And not one I would want to repeat for a LONG, LONG time.

The work thing happened - and Lesley was spot on in anticipating that it might affect me more than I think, even though I was thoroughly fed up there! So true!

What shocked me the most was how so many people avoided eye contact with us all - my five comrades who had been 'let go'! It made the whole morning really quite depressing and as they had already sacked one of my team members who left last week and the other one is on sick leave, I felt rather lonely. Fortunately, my husband was texting me throughout, updating me on the job hunts and references. Former clients are happy to endorse me! Phew! And that helped a lot - just getting positive feedback.

Back at the call centre, there are still many temps in the building - from the same agency - who just looked away when I walked past. We sent out group emails, saying goodbye and how great it was to work with everyone. How many people responded? Less than five. No goodbye cards, no thank yous. Nothing! Well, that's not strictly true; one of my special project managers wrote me a lovely email, as did her colleague. It was tear-jerking stuff - they said they would miss my sunny nature!! At work, I am super friendly, super sunny, super...professional.

And then I got a call from my husband, asking me if I had heard the news. What news? And then he told me - one of his closest friends from his last job - had just lost his wife. She had had a massive heart attack last night. In spite of the paramedics doing all they could, by the time they got her to hospital, it was too late.

They have a nine year old son and no family here because they are from the other side of the world. Literally.

I had to remove myself from the office and go to the loo to cry. This is the second heart attack news I have heard in a week. Porkchop's father-in-law had one last week but survived. He faces a triple bypass any day now.

I don't know who I was crying for the most - the friend who is now a widower, his wife who won't see her son grow up or their little boy whose whole life will have been inexorably changed by what has just happened. I offered to pick him up this afternoon (he went to school, I guess to keep things normal) - it's the practical things that make all the difference at this time. Fortunately, the friend has an amazing boss who has stepped in and is making lots of arrangements.

It has made today's office nonsense pale into insignificance, it really has. And as I said to my lovely neighbour, this is a wake up call. Life is precious. Life is short. We have to live it as positively and as healthily as we can.

I spent the evening on the allotment and just felt very, very sad.

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - "You're Fired!"

Well, the credit crunch has hit the call centre and I am 99% sure we will get our marching orders today. There simply isn't enough work to keep us there. I have never been made redundant before and, of course, as a temp', it's not redundancy in its purest sense - and there's no pay off! My husband, however, has faced the axe three times.

There has been a bit more to this story than I have time to include right now but I'll do a full update later.

In the meantime, I have been going back to former employers and clients to ask for references. This has induced such levels of fear and panic that I have eaten and drunk (yes!) my way through the process. It's clearly an area that needs work - the feelings, whatever they are, felt far too scary and uncomfortable to experience at the time. I just want for blanket suppression.

One of my good friends texted me to say it's networking, not begging (asking for references).

Anyway, between us, my husband and I are having four, possibly five interviews for jobs this week. Blimey!

So, during this time of turbulence, what have I done? Sadly, I have broken all my own non-negotiables and eaten so much junk.

Anxiety - real or perceived - just seems to mean that boundaries (around food) get thrown out of the window. It's not quite back to square one but it's time to rethink the strategies!!! Or, maybe not so much a rethink as a concrete implementation! Aha!

Day XXX - LighterLife The Sequel - Recovery

Well, the good news is the dog is out of the vet's. Phew. She had something called HAEMORRHAGIC GASTROENTERITIS (HGE) , which can be life threatening.

It was only AFTER she came back from the vet that my mother told me how unwell she had been!

Today was so strange, as was yesterday, to be honest.

My visit to London was certainly beneficial and a massive confidence booster but I am still left with the question - what the f**k was I doing for all that time (before I started losing weight)? I guess there is nothing like an interview or two - however informal - to test you. And the awful thing is, I realise eating too much and depression figure fairly heavily in the past few years. When I saw one of my former colleagues, she said, "you are literally half the woman you were!".

So, first things first. I got a second interview! This made me laugh at first and now I am just full of fear. I have also convinced myself that it's a mercy interview and that they are not really serious. It's bananas, I know but that's how I feel.

Second, ages ago, when I started working at the call centre, I found a job that paid the same day rate that I was earning in a week! Well, the same organisation, is looking for someone else on a temp-to-perm' basis - same rate and so my name has been put forward. I am one of two candidates and I am desperately trying to get an interview before the second interview so that I can compare and contrast. This job is closer to home - in the nearest big town - and it looks like a reputable organisation.

And third, today they offered me a job at the call centre! Again! Last time they were sounding me out just as I was in the middle of the miscarriage. This time it was a different manager and a different role and I have not dismissed it because that would be stupid.

I also sat down with the new CEO (she approached me) and I talked her through the processes that we use. I guess because I am temporary, because I am not scared of her (or scared about losing my job - which I would have been as a permanent member of staff), I was able to be honest and direct but with humour. I hope for my colleagues' sakes that some of my suggestions will be taken further. It's such an unhappy organisation - with 60% of staff either miserable or uncertain about how they feel at work. Only 40% were happy and I reckon that's a generous interpretation! At least I made her laugh and I really did feel that she was a manager who led by example, which is extremely refreshing!

So my greatest fear about being unemployable may not come true BUT the offer has to be on the table - getting an interview is not getting a job. And with freelance work it's not guaranteed.

So, I am a real mixture of optimism, fear and regret right now and my food is all over the place. Over the past few days, I have been looking at my remaining foodpacks and thinking, I'm not sure I want to buy any more. Foodpacks unless - like Peridot - you are doing hardcore abstinence - don't seem to be the answer for me. And try, try, try as I might to do full abstinence, I just can't get my act together. The merest hint of a change in routine (ha, what routine you might ask?!), the slightest change and boom, my resolve is out of the window. I am still using food to cope with everyday life.

My lovely LLC would say that thought records and the food diaries are the answer (or at least part of the solution).

I am not back to square one but I am still lurching towards 12 stone again. I think Lesley is feeling the same thing - a quick fix is not the answer for us at this stage. But this is not to dismiss Peridot's efforts!

More than ever, I am fantasising about holidays and a lie in! I am fantasising about eating in nice restaurants (!) and relaxing, without being tormented by food. I am STILL fantasising about a tidy house (sad but true) and wondering since this IS my life, why don't I feel in charge, even a teeny tiny bit?