The Lard Arms

Practising Resistance. In the Extreme!

For obvious reasons, the progress with Dr Beck has stalled.  What I mean is that I have read it through once, in its entirety but now I must start actually doing it ie working through the exercises for the part BEFORE the dieting starts!  Aha.

I am still in abstinence.  Can you believe it?  I definitely can't.  There have been a couple of incidents, shall we say, when my husband was still here - a slice of bread and some chicken soup (so that was the weekend before last).  And some cottage cheese - consumed, shock horror, standing up!!! (This would be a cardinal sin for Dr Beck!)  There has also been some serious pacing in the kitchen, looking for something, anything but sadly, the cupboards are bare (of treats!).  My mother hid the bread from me, which was the only way she got to eat what she needed but I searched high and low for it.  On more than one occasion.  And usually at night!

Anyway, the point I wanted to make was not, hey, wow, look at me, still on the space food but instead to say that even in abstinence, Beck has much to teach me.  The second point is that I find myself having to constantly distract my attention away from food.  Each day, every day, all day.  And it's exhausting.  And each day I worry that I won't last.

Today was a breakthrough.  We had to vacate the house because the builder is here - nothing like major work to stop grief in its tracks.  At one point, we were going to be near a Waitrose and my thinking was, well, if we're out all day, I can't possibly make up any packs (no bars left) so if necessary, I'll get some pure protein.  Of course, you could argue that's sensible planning.  In one way it is but it is breaking my diet. The diet that I am following, right now.  That is NOT the way of Dr Beck.  You plan your food, in advance, and you stick to it.  No matter what.  In theory!

So, then I had a moment of anxiety and then thought, well, I'll just have to go hungry; it won't kill me. Hello??????  This is unheard of behaviour.  This is new thinking.  Remember, I am the girl who can't even do a train ride for an hour without thinking "but what about the food and/or is there a buffet on board...or a trolley"!  And I just have to log this new thought here because I am sure, later on, I will find a zillion reasons why I cannot follow the rules because they are just too hard! I also am acutely aware that if I do go AWOL now on the diet, the mind games will be horrendous. Tomorrow I am going back to a big city where food is everywhere.  If I broke today, tomorrow will be even harder.  Even I have to accept that.

So, I left, empty handed and we went out for five hours.  We stopped twice and I stuck to cups of tea.  I realised that this is how it's got to be.  I can drive myself crazy with it or I can just keep practising.  The dogs had ice creams.  I had none!

I wish I could say this is fun but it isn't.  It's a slog BUT I absolutely do not want to be in a position where I am repeating 2008's behaviour of adding 42 lbs back on my body.  Not when it took me so much effort to lose them in 2007.

The other important fact to note is that this time last year I definitely would have been resistant to every single suggestion that Dr Beck makes.  So maybe we learn this stuff when we're ready?  Who knows.  But I just keep hearing Lesley's words in my head about flexing my resistance muscle.  So that is what I keep doing.  And I know the hard part hasn't even started yet...

(Right, I agree I said no more dog stuff but tomorrow I bid them farewell for a while...)

The future visit to a tea shop will look like this...bare!!!

Life's ALWAYS good when there is ice cream...

On the beach...

The builder's car...genius, I thought!

My gorgeous girl deciding that the only place to lay is in the dust...

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 33

The camera never lies!

At last week's meeting, several of us thumbed through our LLC's collection of success stories - of those who have passed through Foundation, Development and even Route to Management.

It was really good to see how people have shrunk but flourished. BUT, even more important, it was really helpful to see the photos of the regulars of our Management group. There is, also, without doubt, a direct correlation between those who keep it off and those who come to class - regularly.

It was such a great motivator. My own photos just make me ashamed but those of others were fantastic.

Definitely to be recommended - look at success stories - with photos!

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 32

At my class this week I heard two great phrases:

alcohol = liquid cake (the sugar can do very strange things to us post-abstinence)

cheese = salted lard.

I must admit that there is a part of me that is still resistant to the idea that being slim comes at a price - of selective eating and much exercise - while the other part thinks, well, it's a small price to pay.

Today, I HAVE had both and I registered the choices I was making. I just haven't reconciled the consequences (of such food decisions). Yet!

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 31

I have definitely noticed that there is a cut-off point when I stop feeling the pounds going back on. It's as if the alarm clock in my body has been switched off. Completely.

I remember writing somewhere in this blog that I hadn't felt the difference between a couple of stone (ie being two stone heavier) but that I could definitely feel 2lbs on the scale. That was a BIG moment; to have that body awareness.

I thought, like the Spice Girls (ha!), it would last forever. But it hasn't. I am now over a stone heavier than when I finished Development. I was very conscious of any extra weight - 1lbs, 2lbs, 3lbs, even 4 or 5lbs on the scales - and I could feel it. I knew where those pounds were distributed on my body.

Now, however, the situation is back to how it was pre-LighterLife. I definitely feel lard-ier and while I think most of the weight has gone back around my mid-section (tummy), it clearly has gone elsewhere too. I feel bigger but can't quantify how much bigger. The defining moments will be my clothes but since I have been wearing thermals and my cut-off jeans, I don't get that daily reminder of how loose or tight my 'new' clothes are.

With my own alarm system now set to silent, I wonder if this was how I was able to be several stones heavier yet not really feel the difference? Throughout LighterLife Foundation I kept saying how I didn't really notice the difference, physically; maybe this was why? Hmmmm.

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 30

Going to the Gym - Take 2

OK, so it was a replay of Tuesday morning - wake up far too early (and last night I went to sleep at 2am) with the phone alarm, hit snooze five times through sheer exhaustion, blah blah blah BUT with one MAJOR difference. When I played the movie in my head - yes, that's what I do automatically - of me going to the gym (and feeling miserable), I remembered how good I felt afterwards on Tuesday. It was crooked thinking, interrupted. Wow!

This event, I have no doubt, was aided and abetted by the fact that I have met someone also on the lard busting journey who has embraced the gym wholeheartedly. Their body is simply amazing. Soooo toned. And so I have that association, too. The gym really can tone up someone carrying the extra weight. I have never had that association because...I have never seen it in the flesh, as it were. And this is someone who has been on a long, hard journey so their muscles are hard won (and therefore even more impressive).

So, it's off to the gym and I am excited. Blimey! I wish I could convey what a turnaround (and massive shift in thinking) that is! I just wish, as I have done before but this time, with conviction, that I had embraced the gym a whole lot earlier.

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 29

The relentless urge to binge anything 'naughty' or off-piste is diminishing. It definitely comes in waves - some days good, some days bad - but the fact that there are definite waves means that the compulsion to eat is - therefore - not relentless.

This is important to note - particularly for those of you in the early stages of any stage of the LighterLife programme - Foundation, Development or Route to Management. I remember thinking in those early days of LighterLife that once I started eating again, I might never be able to stop. Food frightened me. And in Route to Management, the urge to eat sugar was overwhelming. There is still a cake from The Hummingbird Cafe in the fridge. There are still LighterLife peanut bars in the cupboard. They have not been demolished in a moment of madness.

These are foods that I didn't think I would be able to have in the house. So this is progress.

I am still VERY much influenced by the see food, eat it urge - that comes on so fast that, before you know it, you've eaten the viewed object! But NOT every minute of the day!

So, this is a post full of hope - there are distinct improvements.

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 28

Something incredible happened last night. I turned down the opportunity to eat!

Some friends had come from London to experience a night out in our little town, the lodger joined us and then, in the pub, we happened to meet some more people we knew and suddenly there was a group of us in a corner and it felt fantastic.

The lodger and I had been to the gym to get our Power Plate training session before we met up with everyone. Our friends from London, quite rightly, were hungry (I had offered to make food in advance) and my husband wanted to eat too but the lodger and I weren't really that bothered. This is alien behaviour and I asked my friends if they thought I was being rude if I didn't join them but remained in the pub. They were fine about it (and I am really grateful they were understanding). It just felt right to ask (apart from the social anxiety, obviously) but going for a curry was ALL wrong. I just didn't want to eat it. My husband said was it was because I was having too much fun...

The old me would have gone along regardless, ordered whether I was hungry or not and then eaten food I wasn't particularly bothered about

So I was assertive and it was just what I needed and I do feel proud of myself for saying what I needed. It's new behaviour, it's scary and my crooked thinking has been in overdrive today to ensure that I don't get ahead of myself. I've managed to convince myself that it was really rude and wrong but I did keep checking with my friends.

In spite of all this anxiety, it was very liberating to say no (to food)!

PS when we eventually got home at 1.30pm, I did have toast and cakes from The Hummingbird Cafe!

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 27

For the past few days something amazing has been happening.

I've had tiny moments - fleeting - when I have been really enjoying the here and now. This has been extraordinary because these are new feelings. They are fast and sporadic; blink and I miss them. But I AM aware of them.

I'm massively hung up about not being a mother. The enormous sense of failure and deep sadness don't seem to go away. But when I went to the gym tonight, I thought well, ok, I haven't got children but I can enjoy this.

It was the same with the London thing (yes, Lesley, I know we'll never agree on this one!). I'm beginning to appreciate what's here rather than what's not (ie what's in London).

I'm not at the stage where I automatically think I am almost 7 stones lighter than I was two years ago and, I can, therefore, do anything I put my mind to. But I am getting snatches of feelings of inner calm, acceptance and gratitude. It's good. The depressive feelings haven't gone away but now I have something else to compare them with. And I like the happier ones more!!

In spite of doing NLP and Tony Robbins, my automatic habit is NOT to access good states, to re-run successful/happy/enjoyable moments in my life. Instead, it's to say how utterly crap I am, how hard everything is and how I don't deserve success or happiness. That's crooked thinking - living and breathing.

So, I need to amplify the good and turn down the bad. I think it will also help with my food management. Today, when I contemplated eating, I thought about The Spice Girls. And I was motivated. Sadly, the girls were far from my mind when tucking into the honey roasted pecan nuts!!

But there is definite progress, tangible progress!

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 26

Letting Go.

Today I put my wedding corset (ha!) in the textiles recycling unit, together with some old T-shirts and my battered and worn out MBTs.

I never liked the corset; I had to go to Rigby and Peller to buy it and it never fitted properly. Of course, in typical fashion, I bought the wedding lingerie far too late, hoping against hope that I would miraculously lose three stone in the three weeks before getting hitched.

I don't know why I kept it either; every time I looked at it, I felt depressed. Not at the thought of my wedding but at the lardy state I was in when I said my vows.

So, five years on, it has gone to charity. Apparently, they sell the good stuff first and then send on anything else. I hope it goes to a lovely "larger lady" with an ample bosom and I hope she has some fun with it.

I think this is progress. And now, I really do have a capsule wardrobe.

Mrs Lard's Observations - no. 25

Welcome back to the wonderful world of ...tights!

Yesterday I wore a pair of tights for the first time in years - a cotton/wool mix.

They felt amazing and even though I didn't have a good eating day, I kept noticing the fact that my thighs did NOT rub together like two sumo wrestlers colliding. Yes, the thighs caught each other - hell, I am not Victoria Beckham - but it was a totally different experience.

And a good one! I wore them with high heeled boots (black, M&S, stretchy fabric) and I felt that I had entered a whole new world. Of foxiness!

I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs all day, as I sat down in church and in the reception.

It was a surreal experience but totally fun! And one I definitely want to repeat. I can't walk far in those boots but for sitting down and admiring them, it felt fab.

Tights and boots? Yes, yes, yes!