The Lard Arms

Another New Year? Already?

Hello.  Anybody there?  Well, in case you are, Happy New Year.

So...the no-blogging thing didn't work.  Imagine!  Staying away from all the fat chat did not make me thin. When I wrote the last post, I was in a very dark place. I really was.  And I just couldn't face writing about the slog - and that's what it felt like, the slog of losing weight, trying not to get bigger, blah, blah, blah.

And I was abs0lutely consumed with grief.  No two ways about it.

So...what happened to the waistband?  Because that's what you really want to know.  Well, it got bigger.  A lot bigger.  WTF.  How did that happen?  I so wish I could say it was because I got pregnant.  But I didn't. And I didn't get another doggy, either, to get me walking.  (But I'm working on it.)

Instead, I basically stopped making any attempt to lose weight.  I swtiched off, zoned out and moaned about it, from time to time.  There were lots of half hearted flurries of activity - going back on VLCD-type regimes, shakes for breakfast, lunch and...well, you know the drill.  Or I'd just constantly graze and pay zero attention (well, not quite zero - the voice of the food police in the head never goes away) to calories, fat content, etc.  

And then very, very recently, I read an interview - I think but I cannot find it anywhere - with a supermarket CEO.  And there was a throwaway comment about how saying no to one biscuit was saying no to a-not -insignificant weight gain ie just an extra (not planned for) biscuit a day leads to something insane like 10lbs a year.  Just for one biscuit.  I was surprised by two things - a) the level of detail that the supermarket big cheese could recite - he totally had the information nailed and b) the complete acknowledgement that sometimes you just have to say no.  Even if you're mega successful.

Aha!

So with me feeling very much like a Christmas bauble after a lot of festive feasting, not unlike the one above (!), I felt compelled to get back to blogging.  Do I have a grand plan to slim down? No. Not. Yet.  

Do I think I will have to...shock, horror...diet?  Probably.  Even though, I really, really, really don't want to.

Part of me really wants to live the Geneen (Roth) way  - the way of no diet!  But only when...yep, you guessed it, I'm smaller.  

Anyway, this wouldn't be The Lard Arms if I didn't recommend something to do, read, watch or listen to. So, whatever your plans for 2011, whatever your resolutions - hey, even if you don't have any and that's a deliberate decision, I really can recommend Women, Food and God. (I will find a link tomorrow for it.)

Blogging, I am hoping, is going to be like getting back on the bike again.  There will be lots of wobbling along, maybe a crash or two but let's see what happens. I've been away so long, I've even forgotten how to compose a post. Where are all the shortcuts and instructions? This has taken me far too long; in the old days, I could have rattled this off in five mins.  And then have time for exercise...of course! Or some other lard-busting activity. Well, in theory.  Instead, while getting this 'out there' I've had a cup of tea and a handful of peanuts. Dry roasted if you're interested.

So...Happy New Year.  Who knows what 2011 holds for us all?

PS A massive, massive thank you to all of you who kept coming back to check if I was ok/still here/still writing.  Sorry it's taken me so long to get back in the saddle...

Abstinence The Sequel - Two weeks in

So, I have now completed two weeks in abstinence with the past four days at 98% (still having milk in tea).

Of course, weight loss IS a goal but it is not THE ONLY goal.  This stint of abstinence is to help me get back in touch with how I am going to manage, long term, in the world of food where than can be no 'all or nothing' thinking.

This is also the longest period of abstinence since 2007.  I am properly in ketosis, which is giving me the opportunity to spot some emotional hunger going on.  And deal with it.  Boy it feels like physical hunger but if I am honest, I realise that there is an emotional driver sitting underneath it!

I haven't blogged since Friday because there have been all sorts of challenges (I won't say dramas, even though that's what it feels like) but I have amazed myself and stayed...abstinent.  There were a zillion opportunities to eat and even more moments when I just wanted to.  But I didn't.  I have been to A&E (I am fine) and had a root canal on one of my back teeth - the third time on the same tooth but this time by a specialist.  The dentist found a third nerve, which in typical fashion only occurs in 1% of the population! Hence the pain I have had for years; a conventional dentist would never have found this mystery nerve - it requires microscopes and specialist training!  Aha!

So many of us know that in times of stress, food SEEMS like the answer but it rarely is.  Actually, I need to qualify that - comfort eating food seems like the answer but it rarely is.

If I have learnt anything during the past two years it's that self medicating (with food) is not the answer, however overwhelming the feelings in a specific moment may appear.  I can honestly say that I probably could not put that into practice AT ALL last year, certainly not after my miscarriage.  I wanted to but it just seemed too hard and pointless.

I haven't found a new Zen-like calm BUT I have - somehow - managed to hold it together this time, particularly since travelling on Friday.  I am seriously worried about writing that sentence because, usually, such situations then send me bonkers afterwards.  It's as if my brain says, aagghhh, you've had a good day.  Panic!

I have said no to myself lots of times during the past two weeks, I have distracted myself at others.  I've been in a lot of pain (physical and emotional) and I've come out the other side.  I am writing this NOT to say, hey, look at me, but to record the fact that I can do this.  Last year, I had given up believing I could ever maintain my weight loss.  Deep down inside, I thought it was game over and so I ate accordingly.  Not all the time because there was a part of me, still fighting, still determined to hang on, somehow.

I guess, this time, I've also realised that if I did break abstinence, it would introduce a whole new level of drama.  This is a new revelation to me - just HOW much drama I create around what I eat, don't eat, should eat, shouldn't have eaten blah blah blah.

I only need an inch to berate myself for a mile!

However hard abstinence is - and believe me it IS - sometimes it's easier than negotiating the minefield of food.  That sounds so OTT but if you are grappling with comfort eating/a food addiction/compulsive eating, you'll know what I mean.

It reminds me of an interview I read with Marian Keyes; she is an alcoholic (now sober) and has been cutting out sugar.  She said that giving up sugar was much harder.  She made a throwaway comment about having the devil on your back (when sugar/booze/whatever is in the mix) and it jumped out of the page.  A few days later, Julia included the full quote:

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
~ George Carlin

Absolutely!

I feel as if I am back in rehab (metaphorically!) and the really tough stuff starts when I am back with food. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

My lesson learnt THIS past weeks is that I can say no.  To myself.  Without falling apart! LOL!

Sweet treats we can all enjoy!

Hurrah!  I am back at home - but just for two days - so I thought I'd end this week with some pics and then update the blog properly on Sunday.  I visited Birmingham recently and found these gems in Selfridges (which is part of the Bullring).

They just made me smile.

Satin (or should that be sateen?) pillows...

Chocolate teddy bears, chocolate t-shirts, bags and more...pillows!

Peanut and chocolate... bags and pencil cases.  No pillows...

A bull made of jelly beans - he was so magnificent - I had to photograph him from every angle...oh, and yes, more pillows.  Buggle gum style.

A Nice Cup of Tea

Even abstinence didn't stop me drinking tea (with milk).  It's my one habit I would really, really, really struggle to break.

Well, the same habit has cost me my laptop.  To cut a very sorry tale short, a cup of tea got knocked over, all over the laptop and it has stopped working.  Completely.  I got this confirmed by the experts at the Genius Bar.

So now it's time to go via our insurers and consequently I could be without my own computer for two, possibly three weeks.  It will either get repaired or replaced.  I don't know.  The experts say it will cost more to repair.

I will also have severely restricted access to ANY computer for personal use for the next week.

So apologies, fellow bloggers, not sure how much I can comment!  I am sending everyone lots of positive thoughts.

I had high hopes for today - day one of the crawl back to my January 2008 weight - but I had a very late deadline and got no sleep.  My old nemesis, extreme tiredness, has meant ketosis will not come calling yet!

I am feeling pretty jumbo-sized, to be honest.  But I am trying to be kind to myself - aha - and just ride it out rather than beat myself up mentally.  Blah blah blah.

Happy January; with the economic and global news, it's not a happy world right now.   Hope you are all safe, warm and dry.