The Lard Arms

Week One...Done!

So, I did it - a whole week at the business park! Thanks to my husband, Porkchop and the Expert Friend, Friday afternoon didn't drag as much because they sent me encouraging texts...to keep going! I don't remember ever watching the clock so closely; two hours seem an eternity in that place.

I finally worked out why I hate this job; there is minimal job satisfaction. In essence, I am chasing information, which forms part of a bigger picture. There are several stages in this process of information gathering (which leads to a report) and I am in the middle stage - part one would be keying in all the basic information - and part three would be writing the report. Now, it just so happens that my area of work - which has an international feel - is fairly repetitive but extremely time consuming; getting the bits of information requires phoning/faxing/emailing the same people, over and over again until you obtain the critical piece, which may take days, weeks or months. And this particular client will not accept "could not find information" as an answer!

(Reader, is this as boring to read as it is to write?! If so, apologies.)

I tried to find out if the report writing - which seems more interesting - is either better paid or more senior but the temps have only advised me that it's not as interesting as it appears and that being on the phone is better. At least you get to talk to people, they said! If the rate of pay is higher (no one will discuss the cash!), I'd like to upgrade!!

Anyway, the other temps have told me that we are entitled to a 15 minute break in the morning and a 15 minute break in the afternoon. So, IF there were tea and coffee provided in the kitchen, that"s where we would go. As it is, on Friday, the company had run out of coffee. (The tea supply was long gone!) Incredible! I have never worked in a place like this. I got the lowdown on the beverage situation; our company was recently bought out (by a FTSE 100 company, according to my husband!) and whereas it used to be a petty cash item, the new owners are clamping down. Second, the person in charge of the temps ie 75% of the workforce, does not drink tea or coffee so doesn't understand their importance!

Aha!

This week I haven't been taking these 15 minute breaks but I think I will next week; yesterday, I went for a walk in the glorious sunshine with a lovely Algerian girl. We have clicked since day one and we sit near each other. She is super bright, super chatty and rather frustrated that she cannot use her translation skills in a way that she was promised! We discussed the monotony of the work and the very strange work culture; she agreed it isn't a friendly place at all. And there are definite divisions; the permanent British staff really don't mix with the permanent foreign staff (which I find shocking)! The temps don't mix with the permanent staff either and then each division keeps itself to itself. Everyone is very territorial, which is insane in an open-plan office! I just keep smiling at everyone and try to be happy at work, even though, sometimes I want to scream.

My favourite moment was being told on Thursday that the parent company's MD was visiting on Friday so we couldn't, therefore, have dress-down Friday. The management team spent the whole afternoon clearing and cleaning the office (which doesn't have much stuff in it anyway) - well, correction, telling us to tidy the office environment. We were told we couldn't have anything on the desks and nothing on the backs of our chairs like coats or cardigans. We were also given name badges (to be put on the computers) so that the management team could, obviously, pretend they knew who we were! I wish I were joking. We also had to disguise all the computer wires, destroy any bits of paper lying around and, to my mind, pretend we weren't really there at all!!! I guess they wanted to create the impression of a lean, mean and super efficient working environment. I think I mentioned that I did a post-grad course; I studied the wonderful world of work (oh yes!) and this organisation is anything BUT efficient! There is so much duplication of effort, which a simple training manual would sort out.

I really do need to stop taking this all so seriously but the perfectionist inside me likes to do a good job! And the inner pedant in me has to ensure that any communication sent from me (generated from the system) is grammatically correct. It's not healthy, is it?!!!! Even my Algerian friend told me to stop caring so much because no one else does!!! I think it's a combination of having worked for myself for so long - where these things really DID matter and running a team, where the buck stopped with me. Now, I am a lowly worker bee and, it seems, my co-workers are very obviously disengaged from their jobs. Hmmmmm.

On Friday, the MD did indeed visit. He turned up in jeans! How I laughed (to myself, obviously)! He didn't speak to any staff - he just went to his meetings.

What a farce!

Anyway, I digress from the wonderful world of...food! There is a vending machine in the office and, this week, I have purchased two bags of coated peanuts, one tracker bar (just HOW many calories in one of those?!?!?!?) and one can of diet coke. On Friday, I was getting into the swing of things - I had fruit (apples) to hand for moments of hunger. I had my own tea and coffee supplies. I drank four litres of water - the first time I have done that in months so that was a major milestone. And when I didn't have time to buy a sandwich, I asked my colleague to get me one but it had bacon in it so I couldn't eat it. Next week I am going to try to be organised and have lunch that I can take with me. Although I come home at lunchtime, by the time I have walked the dog, it's time to go back again. My challenge, next week, is to have breakfast sorted out too. Yesterday morning I really fancied porridge but I didn't have time so I had two chocolate biscuits instead. I know, I know - these are bad habits that are creeping in everywhere!

Yes, lovely readers, the worker bee must be SUPER organised, which will be a challenge. It's funny; I always ensure the dog has everything she needs (sometimes it's last minute but she is never without her supplements, food, etc), I ensure my husband has what he needs (clean clothes, ironed shirts) but I leave myself to chance. As Mrs Jupiter reminded me, if a baby is to come along, I have to get myself sorted, too. And that's what our LLC says - in an aeroplane, we would always put our own oxygen masks on first. Yes!

Right, it's 7am and I want to catch up with everyone's blogs! Have a great weekend everyone! xxxxx

Done In

The worker bee is KNACKERED. Came home last night and briefly spoke to my husband and said...I might not talk to anyone now, until tomorrow morning when I get to work. That was a bit of a reality check, I must say. And made me feel thoroughly low. Now don't get scared but, for some reason, I keep thinking about death. It's not good. I keep thinking about being old and isolated and lonely. Believe me, I am not seeking these thoughts out - they are just coming, thick and fast, on the walks between home and the business park!

I think there is something about this job, surrounded by temps (graduates paying off debts before going travelling) that makes me feel my life is over. It's totally irrational, I know. My brain, this week, has gone into overdrive with fearful thoughts dominating my mind when I am not doing the job (which is SOOOO boring).

Yesterday, the food thing was really quite bad - (not bingeing furtively - no, in fact it was quite open - just eating crap) but definitely escaping from the reality of the business park world!

I came home last night via Waitrose and walked up and down the aisles looking for inspiration; I had no inclination to cook and was looking for...comfort. I worked it out (hardly complicated!).

I also had a massive moment of clarity; the kind and loving thing (as my LLC would say) to do for myself would be a healthy meal. But given that what I really wanted last night was love and TLC (yep, worked that one out), a salad wasn't really going to do it for me. I managed to see my mother briefly on Wednesday night after her return from India (we met at the London station!) and when I was in the supermarket last night, I thought, what I really want is someone to care for me. (A very close friend is going through the same thing right now so if you're reading....!!!!) And that's what I wanted the food to do for me - give me the equivalent of TLC - a hug, listen to me talk about my day and reassure me that all was good in the world. And, of course, that's how I used food for years - for decades, particularly when I lived on my own.

I don't associate a salad with mother-love and TLC, which is ironic now because my own mother is super healthy! I think of pasta and toast and comforting foods!

It was weird; I know all this stuff but it's still taking me by surprise. In the end. I bought one of those layered salads (probably incredibly UNHEALTHY - cheese, mayo and lots of grated carrots - you know the ones) and went home. I was going to cook something out of the freezer but, in the end, I had a glass of wine, watched a bit of Oprah on Sky+ and then had a bath and went to bed. I was in bed for 7.30pm. Porkchop rang me at 9pm and we had a brief chat.

I tried to explain how I feel - mentally - right now - ie all over the place. I am longing for London, I am longing for a 'big job', I am longing for a baby, I am desperate for some love. Porkchop said she felt I was in freefall right now. I think she's right.

In the meantime, Mrs Jupiter (yes, I got your emails!) is being super vigilant from a distance and she has given me a stern talking to about food. She has reminded me why I started all of this in the first place - because it was now or never on the baby front. But guess what? I lost sight of that a LONG time ago and now my husband isn't even here!

This weekend I am going to apply for a 'big' job! Incredible but true; it would take me back to London. It's an amazing opportunity but I just don't know if they will write me off at the first hurdle. It's a one-off job and it would take up every ounce of energy for a while but it would be something I am passionate about.

We shall see - if it's meant to be, it will happen.

Must dash - and now SO late and need to juggle getting myself out of the house, suited and booted and the dog walked!

As I keep saying to Porkchop, I really don't know how she does it with two kids, a building project, a tenant and a job, as well as a husband who is also away a lot.

And, lovely readers, I don't know how YOU have done this dieting malarkey in an office. It's temptation, temptation, temptation and triggers like I've never known. SO many other workers are doing the same thing - eating and drinking to escape.

I have nothing but complete and utter respect for you all.

Day 2 At The Business Park

So, Day 2 as a worker bee in the Business Park passed...slowly. And, sadly, I ate my way through today. I ate before I left for work - wasn't going to make that mistake again - but, by 12.30pm, my stomach was rumbling and I was desperate to eat.

I'm getting into the swing of things - the work is BEYOND tedious but I did manage to speak to Italy (in Italian) for two minutes so that cheered me up!

I spoke to my team mates and made a massive effort; I make tea, I'm friendly, I'm helpful. But the world of temps is a transient place so while I am all with the questions, most people aren't interested back. Never mind. At least I felt marginally less stupid today.

The lunchtime rush is...not working. By the time I leg it home for lunch, I have to take the dog out and by then, it's time to run back to work. So it's indigestion or...an alternative solution.

This morning I forgot the tea bags (doh!) and it's still a tea-free zone. Shocking!!! But, by the afternoon, I was sorted! I will get into the groove on the organisation front. I will!

Food-wise, it's bad. It's not horrendous - no mini-Aeros to sneakily eat today - but it's all about distracting myself with food. At 5pm, half an hour before I was due to leave, I ate a Mexican Bean Wrap from M&S because... well, it killed some time. Hello?!?!?!?!?! And then, on the way home, I went to M&S for all the other things I forgot and ate a bar of chocolate. I can honestly say I haven't done that for more than a year!!!

And tonight, because I am full of cold (blocked ears and nose), I am turning to the red wine. This really isn't good on so many levels, not least the Mastocytosis but I just can't face it and zoning out, right now, is easier.

I forgot to say that I went to the GP this morning (before work) - about a number of things - and our nearest centre for IVF (the type I may be able to have) got the thumbs down. She advised me that they (the clinic) are "very gloomy" about age, even when you are paying and she also advised me, in no uncertain terms, to go to London - but only after studying the stats and really doing my homework. OK then! I went to my appointment with a shopping list of things - I need an epi-pen and, it turns out, a training session! I need different pain killers - apparently, she can sort me out. PHEW! And so on, and so on. But she was super helpful and I was grateful for that.

Tomorrow is a BIG day; the Building Control inspection is happening (the culmination of all the work - will we pass or not?!) and I am meeting my mother at a London station (after her Indian escape!) after I've popped in to class to be weighed. The Expert Friend has very kindly offered to be here, ensuring tea and chat are on tap for the inspector (!), which makes things much, much easier.

I've found out that a friend of mine is playing a gig in London this weekend - right near to another friend's house; normally, I wouldn't go but I have decided that, in spite of having commitments here, a night in London (with the dog staying at my friends, too) could be just what the doctor ordered. Yes, I will drink. Yes, I will probably eat too much. But I want to have FUN! If I stay at home, the evening will go by, unremembered. If I make the effort to get us all to London, my friends will appreciate it! One thing's for sure, I can't continue with this eating 'strategy'!