The Lard Arms

Potatoes not Prozac

 

Friends, I have been trying to get my house in order.  And myself!  I've been reading the remaining books on my recommended list that I wrote about on this blog (but never got round to starting/finishing).  I've been facing the fact that yet again the weight is creeping back on (because I keep eating!) and I didn't seem to have the capability to get a grip.

I'm working hard to get my driving licence, go to the gym (which involves a temper tantrum each and every time) and think about what is going to work for me in the longer term (food-wise).  

Regular readers will know that depression, feelings of failure, negative self-talk and lots of drama figure quite a lot in my day-to-day existence.  For a really long time now, I've been trying to 'sort myself out'.

And it's a process, it really is.  

Certain things/people have had a profound effect on me along the way.  The moment I started reading Dietgirl's blog, I was a changed person.  Shauna's writing spoke to me.  And, of course, when her book came out, I bought copies for all my friends (who think about weight!) because it was essential reading.  It made me laugh and cry, even though I had been reading the blog for years and sort of knew the story (but the book has so much more!).

Then I found LighterLife.  LighterLife is a controversial VLCD.  But it worked for me.  I had an amazing counsellor (which I think is absolutely critical) and I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  And I began to understand that my behaviour around food had all the hallmarks of an addiction.  I liked the fact that a fundamental part of LighterLife's approach was behaviour change - with lots of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).  LighterLife taught me two things - I could lose weight (so the core belief that I would never be slim got blown out of the water); I experienced being slim.  It also taught me that while food seems to be the culprit, there is much head work to be done, too.  Oh, and one final thing, it taught me (though I consistently chose to ignore it) that sugar is powerful and dangerous to certain individuals.

Through this blog and a forum, I found wonderful companions on this weight loss journey.  Some but not all had also been through LighterLife.

Life then got in the way - as it always seems to - and I lost my way.  I did various attempts at abstinence (going back on a VLCD regime) - lost weight for important things like surgery - but in many ways my behaviour didn't change.  And the negative voices in my head were getting louder, not quieter.

This year I found Beck - as in Beck's Diet Solution and again, recommended it and thought this is it.  I bought copies for friends.  And gorgeous Lesley sent me a copy because she had found it so helpful.  But do you know what?  I didn't see it through.  But it IS worthwhile!

And finally, this summer, perhaps because I was back at home (and had access to the books), I got round to reading.  

Eat, Pray, Love was another important book in the journey.  It really moved me - to tears.  In fact, I cannot wait to read it all over again.  Ditto Thin is the New Happy.  

And then there was a book that I bought more than two years ago called, "Why do you overeat, when all you want to be is slim?" by Zoe Harcombe.  In fact, I read it two years ago and thought it was great.  Now several friends are embracing the author's regime and raving about it.  At the heart of that book is the debate about sugar and the cravings it sets up.  Her book makes perfect sense to me.

I then read Lick the Sugar Habit by Nancy Appleton, which again really spells out the problems with sugar. There is a lot of science in this book but Dr Appleton takes you through gently.  Again, it was another important book.  

But the book that has really spoken to me, no absolutely shouted at me has been Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  I have a feeling that Peridot recommended this to me (Peridot - have you read it?) a long time ago.  Anyway, I finally got it.  And wish I had found it years ago.  There were so many things in this book that answered a lot of questions I still had in my head and it addressed the despair that I feel about food.  It's all about the chemistry; body chemistry.   And sugar sensitivity lies at the heart of the body chemistry situation.  Not all people are sugar sensitive.  But if there is a history of alcoholism in your family (ie parents), chances are you are probably sensitive to sugar.  Of course, I have been saying that sugar is NOT my problem.  My issue is pasta, pizza and bread.  I can go cold turkey on the sweets.  But what are pasta, pizza and bread to the body?  Nothing but sugar (once they've been broken down).  Doh!  Of course, I know this.  I do know it.  But maybe I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it.

Something really clicked for me this week.  I have been going to the gym.  A lot.  This is major.  Each day my husband has asked me if I feel great.  No, I reply.  A sense of achievement?  Absolutely not.  What about all those good feelings that exercise is supposed to create?  A big fat zero. There is no runner's high for me. Well, after reading Potatoes not Prozac, I am beginning to understand why.

If you think sugar senstivity might be an issue for you, here's some questions taken from the book to help you:

• I really like sweet foods (as I said, I am not crazy about them - I can easily go without desert in a restaurant)
• I eat a lot of sweets (funnily enough, in a car, I can consume far too many sweets, even though I say sugar isn't my thing!)
• I am very fond of bread, cereal, popcorn and/or pasta (yes, yes, yes and I will go to extraordinary lengths to have any and/or all of these)
• I now have or once had a problem with alcohol or drugs (I've always been super paranoid about the former)
• One or both of my parents are/were alcoholic (sadly, yes)
• One or both of my parents are/were especially fond of sugar (yep!)
• I am overweight and don't seem to be able to easily lose the extra pounds (errrrr, yes)
• I continue to be depressed no matter what I do (this was the one that was really important for me)
• I often find myself overreacting to stress (guilty, as charged)
• I have a history of anger that sometimes surprises even me (shamefully, yes).

We all have to find what works for us.  Everyone is different (and several blogging chums have found what does it for them).  This, for me, is where I wish I had been able to go after doing my hardcore VLCD.  But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The next stage is starting the programme.  I like the fact that Kathleen DesMaisons has set up a website - with a forum (I LOVE a forum!) - called Radiant Recovery.  How fantastic is that?

I really, really, really did not want to have to go down the anti-depressant route and maybe, just maybe, I won't have to .  I am going to commit to this programme (oh my goodness, I've said it, on the blog!) because it makes sense.  I have to see if it can work for me.  Essentially, I don't think I am a miserable person but, of late, my bad, sad moods have made me really want to find a solution.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Thin Is The New Happy

I am convinced that somewhere in this blog is a post with the very same title because I was recommending Valerie Frankel's new book, Thin Is The New Happy months and months ago.  Of course, as with Eat, Pray, Love, I hadn't actually read it when passing on the details.  Instead, I had heard about it and thought, 'that sounds interesting' but not actually opened it.

Well, something must have been clicking with me since I returned home - after living away for most of the year - and I am finally reading all the things I recommended.

I have just finished Valerie Frankel's memoir and I can thoroughly, thoroughly recommend it.  There's so much in there - I won't spoil the read for you - but since this blog is about achieving smaller dimensions, there are a couple of paragraphs that jumped out at me.

After years of dieting, the author decides to stop.  To see what happens.

"As far as I was concerned, my theory was now proven fact.  Excess weight was the physical accumulation of past hurts, insults, disappointments, and resentments that, once released from the mind and soul, were freed from the body.  I'd purged big-time.  The ancient anger, blame and shame were out of my system.  In their place was a glut of self-awareness.  I was convinced that any woman - and I do mean any - could melt down to her genetically predetermined true weight by (1) stopping dieting today, (2) silencing her negative inner voice, (3) forgiving everyone who'd contributed to her forming a bad body image, and (4) working out four times a week."

This really chimes with me.  So much of it makes sense.  I am not brave enough to ditch dieting per se. Just yet.  What I do know, however, is that my relationship with food is still pretty unhealthy and I'm eating for all the wrong (emotional) reasons.

Ms Frankel's life experiences mean that she had plenty of reasons (excuses) to comfort eat and/or binge. But she has finally worked out what works for her.

Read the book.  I think you'll like it.  I loved it.  I loved her honesty.  Her humour. And her lust for life.  In spite of what life threw at her.

Enjoy, friends, enjoy.  And you can also check out her website, Valerie Frankel's Palace of Love.

Shrink Yourself - Part Two

So the lovely Tiger Girl is reading Shrink Yourself and has reminded me about putting the work in, to get the desired results.

Aha!

So, to kickstart things off again, I thought I would have a reality check with my LighterLife Record Book:

Today I weighed in at 12 stone 5lbs; according to the book, the closest weight registered was 12 stone 3lbs at the end of April 2007. And for an even more shameful note to self, that was at the end of Week 10 of LighterLife Foundation. That means that all my hard work AFTER April 2007 was for nothing! The months of torment...for nothing!

Second, this time last year, I weighed...10 stone 4lbs. I had gained a pound, which was due to water retention, apparently!

Ironically, of course, I would not have been satisfied at 10 stone 4lbs because I didn't stop there, did I?!

Which brings me neatly to a very important observation...this regained weight did not appear by magic. It really didn't. I let it happen. And I have to take responsibility for that. Sigh.

When I was deliberating over the job situation, one of my major concerns (that formed part of my internal dialogue/panic) was how on earth could I possibly fit in going to the gym (or other keep fit activities!) if I am working such ridiculously long hours? Yes, that is what I thought.

But this is where I have to get real and honest with myself. I COULD HAVE been going to the gym all of this year - even if I had had a break after the miscarriage - the opportunity was there. When the lodger lived with us, she used to drive us to the gym. And even then, sometimes, I did not go!

Even when I worked at the call centre - a mere 10 minutes' walk away from the gym - I did not go. I thought about it. A lot. But I didn't actually translate those thoughts into action.

Another fact to face is that this time last year I was extremely physically active - walking everywhere or cycling up and down the hill to the B&B or...even running! I think my bike would collapse in shock now if I sat on it to go anywhere.

My LighterLife Counsellor keeps reminding us that losing weight and keeping it off is a five-year plan - minimum. If you can keep it off for five years, you have a much better chance of keeping the weight at bay for life. Well, so far, NOT so good.

BUT if this is phase two of a five phase project, I need a new plan. But it's going to have to be a plan that's about working smarter not harder.

The job and the commute will impose their own restrictions and it will be up to me to manage myself and my weight in the midst of the chaos!

Aha!

"How to think like a thin person"

The Expert Friend is moving out. This is v.sad but it's the right time for her and the next stage in her life. And ours. I can't deny I've been quite emotional about the whole thing - for all sorts of reasons - but when we all toasted the New Year, we all knew it would be a year of change!

One of the many benefits of the Expert Friend's tenure has been her constant supply of magazines. I have to be honest and say I will MISS them. A lot! It has to be said I do have an unhealthy attachment to magazines, yes, I'd really classify it as an addiction. Fortunately, financial constraints have curtailed my habit and I restrict myself to O Magazine.

Anyway, one of this month's mags, Psychologies, had a feature about emotional eating. It's written by Dr Judith Beck, author of the book, The Beck Diet Solution, which I haven't read and therefore can't recommend. However, based on my Eat, Pray, Love post, someone's bound to have read it and can give their opinion....

Here are the seven key points:

Challenge your thoughts - I loved this - "Often you'll alleviate that tension by deciding to eat. However, just as the decision to eat can reduce tension, the decision not to eat can also reduce tension."

Forget Fairness - "An important concept people have to learn is, 'I can eat what I want when I want, or I can be thinner, but I can't have it both ways'."

Always Eat Sitting Down - "Many of the dieters I counsel have said that this one rule has helped them keep weight off permanently, but you have to make this a life-long habit."

Don't Eat When You Feel Emotional - "The problem with using food as comfort is that you feel better only momentarily. As soon as you finish eating, you still have to deal with the problem that made you upset...You become self-critical, lose confidence and feel even worse." Yep, been there, done that!

Don't Fear Hunger - "They (naturally thin people) know that hunger is normal, that it's uncomfortable, that it comes and goes and that, unless it's a meal time, they shouldn't fix the problem of hunger by eating, they should get inovolved with something else." Dr Beck also recommends a hunger experiment where you don't eat for a day; once you've done a VLCD, you KNOW what real hunger is (as you go into ketosis) and you know just how much (well, how little) we eat out of real hunger!

Give Yourself Credit - "Each time you eat something you're not supposed to, you're building up your tendency to give in. And each time you refrain from eating the foods you're not supposed to, you're strengthening your self-control muscle. Each time you resist temptation, give yourself credit for your decision." There is a lot more to say about this but I like this approach. I need to find ways of rewarding my good decisions so that they become more compelling than bad ones! Hmmmm!

Change For Good - "You may think you can lose weight and then return to the way you ate before, but people who maintain a weight they are happy with do so because they've changed what they do and how they think about weight and eating. These changes are hardest at the beginning, but they get easier over time until they become automatic."

I thought these were good, simple and straightforward yet very helpful pointers.

Some New Blogs...

I think you might enjoy these...

Losing The Lard

See Glam Diet

A Sense of Scale

Half of Me

"Eat, Pray, Love"

In spite of the financial meltdown after the housebuild, we did manage to get Sky + (a TV package that means no video recorder is needed). This has revolutionised our TV habits in two ways; first, we have Sky! Just to have SOOO many channels is incredible (most of them are absolute rubbish, but hey!) and second, it means we always have a stash of stuff to watch when we do sit down in front of the big screen!

It won't come as any surprise that, for me, the BIGGEST joy is being able to access Oprah's daytime show; it is broadcast on Diva TV at 12 midday, everyday (FYI!). I don't need to be here; I just need to press the button to ensure it is taped. In fact, now I have discovered the 'series link' button, which means every show is taped. This is fantastic! It also means I can delete any Oprah shows that don't interest me - and there are, amazingly, more than a few.

So, yesterday, I was trying to embrace domestic chores (always a struggle) and do the ironing. I like to iron when there is something I specifically want to watch. (I'm beginning to think this all sounds boring - sorry. I'll cut to the chase!)

Oprah did a show about a book called, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The sub-title is "A Woman's Search for Everything", which certainly caught my attention.

I have not read this book yet so I'm not recommending it directly but in the same programme, Oprah was talking about Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, which is one of my all time favourites. So, it's something you might want to look at although the reviews on Amazon UK aren't 100% fantastic. The author spends four months in India, praying, after being in Italy for four months (eating). Italy is my favourite country and my mother is about to go to India for the very first time on Sunday. This is a big deal - even though she was a hippy chick, she never made it there. She's going to meet a friend who is already travelling in India and I think she's going to LOVE it.

Anyway, the reason I decided to include Eat, Pray, Love was that the author and Oprah had a chat about the "Eat" section of the book. Lesley is fresh from reading Dietgirl's book and knows that abstinence is not the answer, so I thought this might be of interest for her. Elizabeth Gilbert talked about eating food, appreciating it - for what it is - and savouring every moment and mouthful. Oprah was, of course, incredulous that anyone could live and eat in Italy, with abandon, without putting on loads of weight. (Because, let's face it, if you have little or no control over certain foods, pasta is likely to be one of them and something you would struggle to eat in moderation. I speak from experience!) And the author replied it was about honouring yourself and food; eating a plate of pasta is joyful, eating six bags of "potato chips" on the sofa is not. That struck a chord. It struck a massive chord.

What abstinence has given me, this time round, is a sense of genuine hunger. Real, gurgling tummy, physical hunger. Second, it has made me realise how little of the food that I ate was savoured and/or enjoyed. When food is in the mix, I zone out. I remember a meal from Route to Management that was so pleasurable - cottage cheese and salad - because I was aware of EVERYTHING - taste, texture, etc. I sat down to eat the meal and was focused on it. I'll be honest, that behaviour stopped a long time short of the end of Route to Management.

Last night one of my class members and I had a chat about abstinence. She wanted to ensure I wasn't doing abstinence to counteract the weight gain (and thus get into a destructive cycle). Absolutely not, I reassured her. "You're doing it for the control, aren't you?", she said. And she was spot on. In a very short space of time, I was out of control with food. Not in the scary way of before but certainly eating too much, not noticing it, not paying attention to what I was eating, not enjoying it and knowing that I was putting on weight but not seeming to care. Or, more appropriately, not being able to get a grip.

So, I already know that abstinence is not the answer in the long term either BUT for short bursts, it's working for me. The challenge will be to get it right (food wise) in a way that works for me. And that's where short-term thinking is NOT the answer. It's something that Tiger Girl and I have been corresponding about and I'll share some of our thoughts in the next post.

Have a great day, everyone, and whether you are abstaining, half abstaining, eating well or whatever, make sure you do what's right for you. And, as my LLC likes to remind us, ask yourself "What's the most loving and kind thing I can do for myself? Right now?".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Now you may be thinking...how can Mrs Lard recommend a book that isn't even published yet but...bear with me!

Dietgirl aka Shauna Reid is a heroine of mine (yes, she is!) but, and I hope she won't mind me presuming this...she's also an online mentor/friend. We haven't met but Dietgirl has been at the end of an email for longer than I've been writing this blog.

I wish I could claim the credit for finding Dietgirl's blog but, in fact, it was my expert friend who pointed me in DG's direction.

Well, from the onset, I was hooked. I really urge each and every one of you to read her blog. It's simply wonderful.

I am so thrilled for Shauna; she's a fabulous writer and I want to do all I can to spread the word.

Even without reading this mighty tome, I can guarantee it will be a corker!

And yes, you can pre-order it direct from this blog (or hers!) - just click on the link.

Enjoy!

Sounds Familiar?

I'll be honest - again (!) - I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and I've started loads of posts but can't get them finished. A bit like LighterLife Route to Management.

Anyway, while I summon up the energy and courage to finish them, I thought I would recommend something that I have been reading in The Sunday Times for the past three weeks. It's Eric Clapton's autobiography and his descriptions of being in the depths of addiction are well, really resonant in a bizarre kind of way. What struck me most about his story was the fact that his childhood experiences had left an indelible stamp on his adult life and addictions had taken away the pain.

I wonder, when you read some of his words, what will resonate for you?

Here's a taster of what he's written:

"Over the next two years, my drinking brought me to rock bottom. I was drinking at least two bottles a day of anything I could get my hands on. My normal day became just sitting in front of the TV, and responding very aggressively to anybody who came to the door or who wanted me to do any work. I just wanted to stay at home and get drunk, with Pattie as a slave-cum-partner.

Roger (his manager, I think) warned me repeatedly: “You’re an alcoholic.” Of course, I refused to accept it.

"...on Christmas Eve, after everyone was asleep, I decided to open my presents. There I was, blind drunk, in the middle of the night, sitting under the tree opening parcels, the kind of thing I would have done when I was five.

"That was it for me. The last vestige of my self-respect had been ripped away. Being a good fisherman was the one place where I still had some self-esteem. I called Roger and told him: “You’re right. I’m in trouble. I need help.”

"He had already booked me into Hazelden, a clinic in Minnesota that was said to be the best treatment centre for alcoholics in the world. On the flight over with him, I drank the plane dry, so terrified was I that I might never be able to drink again.

"In the lowest moments of my life, the only reason that I didn’t commit suicide was the fact that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. It was the only thing that I thought was worth living for, and the idea that people were about to try to remove me from alcohol was really terrible. I drank and drank and drank, and they had to practically carry me into the clinic.

"I had to practise abstinence, and for me sobriety was becoming a drudge. I missed drinking and was jealous of her for being able to do all that stuff in moderation. I had not really accepted the truth about myself.

"On my return home, I hid my relapse by not drinking. Fishing helped to keep me calm, but one evening as I was driving home from the river I saw a pub. It was just getting dark and I could see through the windows a throng of people drinking and having fun. I had no resistance.

"My selective memory of what drinking was like told me that standing at the bar in a pub, on a summer’s evening with a long, tall glass of lager and lime was heaven, and I chose not to remember the nights on which I had sat with a bottle of vodka, a gram of coke and a shotgun, contemplating suicide.

"Suddenly I was at the bar ordering a beer. It would be another five years before I at last stopped drinking."

© Eric Clapton 2007

Calling in the Experts

I know I have mentioned that I did a couple of training courses with Mr Paul McKenna; not THE weight-loss day (I did a similar one with someone...well, similar!) but the big NLP stuff.

NLP can provide a fantastic framework for your life with a suitcase full of techniques that, when you put your mind to it, do work.

(Sarah - I know Mr McK's crisp thing worked for you!)

Anyway, of course, I have bought all the books, including the number one bestseller "I Can Make You Thin" and I tried it for a few days then...well, gave up. But I didn't give up on Paul completely because I then purchased the "I Can Make You Thin 90 Day Success Journal", which I was using 20 months ago. I even started writing in it so I know I was serious (wouldn't normally write in a book unless I knew I was going to keep it).

Each day you have to tick off eight things and comment on them; for example:

1. I ate when I was hungry (and you and your own comment, as appropriate ie was it hard/easy, whatever).

2. I ate what I really wanted

3. I ate consciously

4. I stopped when full

5. I drank water

6. I moved my body

7. I listened to the CD (the one that goes with the book, I Can Make You Thin)

8. I did the mirror exercise

You are also advised to note down one POSITIVE THING that happened today and

What you are LOOKING FORWARD to tomorrow.

Looking through the book, I got as far as Day 6! My weight was hovering between 13'13 and 14'2, which I helpfully noted. That was the first winter after the Bodydoctor summer when I was going to the gym five if not six times a week (!) and doing my own version of LighterLife ie with protein shakes. That summer was LONG before I had even heard of LighterLife. I was also reading The Hungry Years so I wonder if that was why I stopped.

In the meantime, I brought the book (the journal) down to Devon with me so it's been on my mind for a while - to use Paul McKenna's materials, somehow. Like Tony Robbins and the other motivational speakers, the I Can Make You Thin book will have been based on one principle - modelling. The idea is you find out what works and then you break it down, bit by bit, to 'model' it ie replicate the thinking behind the process and hopefully, help others. I know Mr McKenna will have done exhaustive research and scoured the earth to find out what makes people stay slim (or dare I say...thin). Whatever the thousands of different people said, I can tell you that there will have been some commonalities, which is probably how the list of numbers 1 - 8 got made. If I am to stay slim (or thin), this is what I will need to do. Every day.

Since I was finding Route to Management so spectacularly awful, I decided to try the easier route. And the easier route means getting as much back up as possible and getting myself to feel a bit more in control of things. I will still follow the RtM rules, obviously - blood sugar levels permitting. (Sarah - just HOW much fruit are you having, exactly?!)

And since, in theory, Route to Management lasts 12 weeks, this success journal should see me through untilt the end or as near as. Watch this space!

Book Recommendations - Master List - as at 26 August

Updated as at 26 August 2007 (some books recommendations come with comments and/or weblinks):

The Little Saboteur: Get Things Done in Life by Conquering Your Weaker Self
by Marco von Munchhausen

Overcoming weight problems - Jeremy Gauntlett-Gilbert and Clare Grace - this
builds in more detail on the CBT approach we use and helps you get yourself
through negative road-blocks.

The Addictive Personality - Craig Nakken

Overcoming Binge Eating: Dr Christopher Fairburn (THE manual on binge eating - the RtM manual refers to it and also draws on the execises)

The No Diet Diet: Do Something Different (Paperback)
by Professor Ben Fletcher (Author), Dr Karen Pine (Author), Dr Danny Penman (Author)

www.nodietdietway.com

Thin Secrets: How to be Slim without Dieting (details to follow)

Susie Orbach 'On Eating' - pub by Penquin in 2002 -

Eating Less (Say Goodbye to Overeating) by Gillian Riley -
www.eatingless.com/help.html

and this one (LL recommend her stuff in the Route to Management (stage 3 - foods get introduced) materials.

When Food is Love by Geneen Roth
www.geneenroth.com/books.php.

Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen R. Koenig, LICSW, M.Ed.
Full Title: Rules of Normal Eating: A Commonsense Approach for Dieters, Overeaters, Undereaters, Emotional Eaters, and Everyone in Between!

www.eatingnormal.com/book_information/